To wonder what went wrong?

[Razzle39]

I’ve been a lurker on Mumsnet for a while but feel compelled to ask - what went wrong with society that women think it’s ok to put up with what they do?

Every day there seems to be a thread ‘I breathed next to my DH and he called me a fat cu*t - AIBU to need oxygen?’ Or ‘my DP calls my DS a pig, a moron etc - AIBU to not discipline my son more?’

I’m not blaming the women in this situation (I don’t think so most of the time) but society for making us think that this behaviour is ok. When will it stop? If we put up with it our daughters will think it’s the norm and our sons will think it’s acceptable to treat people this way and so it continues.

YABU - this is the norm and stop blaming people.
YANBU - this shouldn’t be happening.

It's an important discussion to be had but it's not really an AIBU. Reducing it to a binary reasonable/unreasonable question is over-simplifying the situation. No one's going to say they think it's okay.

There's a long history of women being painted as hysterical. It wasn't that long ago that men could have their wives admitted to psychiatric facilities simply because they felt like it. Many believe women to be emotional and men to be more logical (I happen to think it's more so the other way around).

For this reason, women often doubt themselves and question whether they're overreacting or being too sensitive. In fact, "Am I overreacting/being too sensitive?" has to be one of the most common thread titles both here and on the relationships board. I don't think men question themselves so much like this.

I can't answer when it started because it's been that way for a long time, but I do think things are in the process of changing. Women are at least asking the question when they post here rather than just accepting that they must be overreacting. On some level they know it's not okay otherwise they wouldn't be posting.

I got myself in to a situation where I put up with this until I could figure out how to get away. I never thought I was a stupid cunt, but I did suffer from the core belief that ''it was different for other people''.

That's why, on threads like the ones you describe, I never try to tell people that all they have to do is leave and that everything will fall in to place instantly and they'll meet a great guy who will value them. That is actually not very likely. you have to do a lot of work on yourself before you're comfortable with being considered, supported and seen. And before you're automatically turned off by manipulations and guilt-tripping et cetera.

Perhaps i'm not the typical survivor of DV (atlhough, I think a lot of us fall in to this camp) if I could have come in to 6 thousand pounds I would have walked away. I could have got a place to live and a job and enough for childcare and I could have clawed my way back up out of financial dependence.

It's the age old story of nowhere to go and no money when I get there.

I would love to see a system where a woman can apply to women's aid for an escape loan. eg, where it's a low interest loan that you can pay back over the course of your life. Very little interest. Women could borrow about 7 grand and pay it back over the rest of their lives, no big debt hanging over them. A fiver per week for ever, I could ahve lived with that to get away.

PS and obviously obviously I should never have got myself in to that situation but if i ever expressed a need or a perspective or tried to call out my parents for their lack of consideration to me, i was met with contempt, coldness and the silent treatment, so I was trained to think that having my own perspective was an act of aggression I perpetrated on another person.

It' snot rocket science but so many seem unable to understand that your parenting can hardwire you to find these controlling, blaming, abusive arseholes normal.