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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I hormonal and extra sensitive or…?

24 replies

WhatttDoIDo · 10/09/2023 11:29

I have a 18month old. DH looked after her from two months until now. I’m also pregnant with second child.

I understand people have different parenting styles and we definitely disagree on number of approaches. In general his approach is a lot of no you can’t do that, no leave that rather than try to get her attention with something else. He takes her out to play groups, swimming, to the park pretty much every day. When at home he resorts to TV. She also always eats her meals with TV on.

My main issue is, as she is getting older little tantrums and fights are starting. His approach to deal with that is to get angry, sometimes he will shake her (never hit her), shout at her ‘you must do that’ and after sort of keeps giving her a narrative as this is not good behaviour, you must do it etc.

I told him this is not really working and it’s not good for her to be witnessing as well as that she learns from our behaviour. His response in general is either; ‘you deal with that then’, ‘or how else are you going to do it’, ‘she needs to learn’.

Also not sure whether need to read something into this or not or it just is what happens depending on child but even though he looked after her for good 16months she never really seems to want to be around him too much, if I’m around always goes to me, if I leave she might cry, if he leaves she never does. If I come from somewhere she runs to me, if he does she hardly ever does. Then he seems to be somewhat upset and hurt by it a bit.

Now, last few time I got really angry and upset about him getting angry with her and actually burst into tears. Doesn’t help that I still do most of the work even though he is looking after her and not working (cooking, bedtime, bath time, nights if she wakes up)

When I did burst into tears and try to explain through the tears what bothers me the last few times he started saying stop it and arguing more. I say stop, it’s not good for her and this last time she went from crying to be all quiet. I say to him we need to stop this it’s not good for her and he says look she is fine, she is quite, nothing wrong with her. I say, yes, because she is shocked….

As I’m typing this I keep on and off bursting into tears, it feels like anger tears, feels like something is not right and I’m not sure what is the right thing to do. Basically, thinking is separation the right thing to do…

In general he can have short temper but never violent and we never really argued before but I know he can argue with other people and in general I believe he never sees the other person’s point of view.

I’m the higher earner and not financially dependent on him, but obviously things would become much tighter, but then that should never be the reason for decisions like this…

I’m potentially going to get lot of unhelpful advice but bring it on.

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2023 12:15

Shaking her ?! That's awful! If he's doing this it's still physical and just as bad as hitting.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 10/09/2023 12:17

But he is violent. He is shaking your baby.

misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2023 12:18

Is he a SAHD? Is that why he's been looking after her all the time.
He takes her to lots of activities and I don't think her having her tea in front of the TV is an issue.
Will he be SAHD to this baby too?

His physical reaction to an 18 month old is massively problematic. This is only going to escalate with a baby too

pilates · 10/09/2023 12:20

He shouldn’t be shaking her.

Are you working full time and he is the main carer?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/09/2023 12:23

There is never a good reason to shake a child. He is abusive. Get it on record and leave.

GalileoHumpkins · 10/09/2023 12:26

He IS violent, shaking a small child is violence. You need to accept that and decide what to do next.

RantyAnty · 10/09/2023 12:34

Well he is violent and abusive.

ZekeZeke · 10/09/2023 12:36

What the actual Fcuk.
He is shaking your child.
I would kick his abusive arse out the door and call the police.

Janieforever · 10/09/2023 12:44

I’m also shocked at this he’s violent and aggressive, no child should be alone with him, what am I reading. Wtf shakes an infant?

reallyunderstandsometimes · 10/09/2023 12:50

I think you've answered your own question, the tears the anger are because what he is doing is wrong.

Your body is giving you all the warning signs here and deep down you know he's not the right person to raise your children.

That's maybe a bit of shock as well, but I suspect you may have normalised his approach, but shaking a toddler and shouting isn't right or fair and I'm not surprised your dd runs to you.

My concern from your post is that these are the actions he's doing in front of you, but what is he doing alone, at play parks etc? That would be my major worry is he loosing it during other parts of the day and you aren't seeing it?

misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2023 12:51

@reallyunderstandsometimes is totally right.
Are you not absolutely terrified at what he's doing when your not there?
How do you know he's not abusing your child when he loses it and you are at work?

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 12:52

YANBU, he clearly can't control himself. Get it on record and get him away from your family.

Original poster

WhatttDoIDo · 10/09/2023 13:36

Thanks all. This is very useful. It made me thinking in the last hour how to tackle this in the most efficient and effective way.

I’m working from home so apart from trips out I’m pretty much always there. I’ll be at home with the next baby until 7 -8 months. The original plan was for him to take over after until nursery but yes, I already now don’t want that to happen.

So I’m thinking I want outside parties to get involved. Is there anywhere I can go? Basically I want to report it as a concern first, someone from the outside to come and explain to him why his behaviour is a problem (when I tried he just thinks I’m criticising him - fair enough sometimes our parenting style differences in opinion are mundane)

Then see what happens and the next step becomes obvious and can’t be argued with if no change.

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2023 13:47

Any outside party getting involved worth their salt will report to social services.

Why do you need to have outside opinions? If he doesn't register that shaking an 18 month old is very very wrong then he's not fit to be around.

You protect your daughter.

How hard is he shaking her? It's awful

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 13:47

You could contact NSPCC for advice. They will probably make a referral to social services. You have nothing to fear if you can demonstrate that you are keeping the children safe by removing him from the home.

ohsuzannah · 10/09/2023 14:24

You can kill a child by shaking it. No way would he lay hands on my LO like this. Phone the NSPCC to get advice if you can't see that this it wrong 😡

Nomad916 · 10/09/2023 14:27

He is verbally and physically abusing your child. Poor girl. Please protect her and keep him away from her.

Nomad916 · 10/09/2023 14:31

Time is not on your side to try the softly approach first. Your daughters neural pathways are forming now and she will suffer the long term mental effects of abuse, such as anxiety, depression, learning difficulties etc.

Excited101 · 10/09/2023 14:31

Normally I’d be fairly aghast at that level of tv for a child of that age. But the rest of your post makes that bit look like fantastic parenting! He’s out of his depth, incapable, abusive and violent. Do not write this off as insignificant, I’m not surprised she never wants to be around him, do you?

Nomad916 · 10/09/2023 14:40

Looking after an infant is bloody hard. There are loads of times one becomes overwhelmed and loses patients. I do not want to imagine what he has done on those occasions because I guarantee it's worse than when you were around. 😔

TLDRfuckers · 10/09/2023 14:45

I had to stop reading when I read he shakes her. Your poor DD.

I wouldn’t leave him alone with her again, she needs to be protected from him.

AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 14:47

misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2023 13:47

Any outside party getting involved worth their salt will report to social services.

Why do you need to have outside opinions? If he doesn't register that shaking an 18 month old is very very wrong then he's not fit to be around.

You protect your daughter.

How hard is he shaking her? It's awful

It's a necessary step to hopefully prevent him getting more than 50:50 access and unsupervised contact.

OP needs to shows these steps to the family court if and when that time comes.

PaminaMozart · 10/09/2023 14:56

@WhatttDoIDo - it's obvious that you need to leave to protect your daughter and the child about to be born.

HOWEVER...!!!

You need to be smart about this. Your husband is the child's main carer, he doesn't work, and you are a high earner. There is thus a very real risk that he could be granted more than 50% custody, and you might have to pay maintenance.

Please seek legal advice as a matter of urgency. This is also why you need to report his actions and get expert opinions. An experienced family solicitor will be able to guide you. This is not a case for an ordinary family solicitor - you need specialist advice.

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 15:16

I don't think the other things he is doing are a problem and he's right. That's his parenting style and he needs to be able to get on with that . But the shaking is a whole different thing.

Is he not coping?

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