I am really struggling to leave my baby and don’t know what to do

panIcmodee · 2023-09-10T09:57:00+00:00

I have heard so many horrible stories about nursery. The one we have found is outstanding but then I’ve heard that might mean they are not practically good and are just good at admin? I hear of nappies not being changed and babies being neglected. My child will only be 11 months when they go and I feel sick about it. I am so close to quitting my job but I worked so hard for my career. I don’t want to leave them there, even the thought of someone else changing their nappy makes me sad, what if they are too rough and hurt them or they don’t do it properly etc etc. The stress is really getting to me.

WandaWonder · 10/09/2023 11:02

I just figured they have changed a lot of nappies so would know what they are doing, I was not the first and wont have been the last to have a baby and sent them to nursery

Original poster

panIcmodee · 10/09/2023 11:04

@WandaWonder thanks. I really want to feel comfortable leaving them as I know I need to get back to work etc but I am not coping with the idea of it at all

OP posts:

WooWooWinnie · 10/09/2023 11:04

You can only try it and see how it goes. Will they be going everyday? My dd started nursery a couple of weeks before she was 1 and she LOVES it. I think they are her favourite days of the week and she would happily go everyday (she just does 2 days a week). 😂

Did you look round the nursery? Surely you got a good vibe from the place/staff or you wouldn’t have picked it? Can you ask friends/local mums/Facebook groups how they have found it? Also it is literally the staff’s job to look after your LO, inc nappy changing - they are very likely to do it properly.

icallshade · 10/09/2023 11:04

Felt really anxious too OP but you need you take a step back and think rationally here. A huge percentage of people put their children into nursery, many are younger than your 11 month old. Have a couple of settling in sessions, they are usually only 1-2 hrs so you aren't going to be away from them for too long. Your baby will be fine. Please also remember that you are looking at this with a worst case scenario mindset which isn't healthy for anyone.

NuffSaidSam · 10/09/2023 11:06

Would you be more comfortable with another type of childcare? A childminder? Or a nanny? Those offer more personal relationships and might put your mind at ease.

Original poster

panIcmodee · 10/09/2023 11:08

WooWooWinnie · 10/09/2023 11:04

You can only try it and see how it goes. Will they be going everyday? My dd started nursery a couple of weeks before she was 1 and she LOVES it. I think they are her favourite days of the week and she would happily go everyday (she just does 2 days a week). 😂

Did you look round the nursery? Surely you got a good vibe from the place/staff or you wouldn’t have picked it? Can you ask friends/local mums/Facebook groups how they have found it? Also it is literally the staff’s job to look after your LO, inc nappy changing - they are very likely to do it properly.

Edited

@WooWooWinnie thanks this is nice to read. She will be going four days a week. I am dreading it as I just don’t think she will
be as cared for as she is with me. I haven’t had even an hour away from her yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

panIcmodee · 10/09/2023 11:09

icallshade · 10/09/2023 11:04

Felt really anxious too OP but you need you take a step back and think rationally here. A huge percentage of people put their children into nursery, many are younger than your 11 month old. Have a couple of settling in sessions, they are usually only 1-2 hrs so you aren't going to be away from them for too long. Your baby will be fine. Please also remember that you are looking at this with a worst case scenario mindset which isn't healthy for anyone.

@icallshade thanks. I am trying to go into it positively, I just have these visions of her crying alone and them being over staffed etc.

OP posts:

sunnydayhereandnow · 10/09/2023 11:09

Have you heard any such stories about that particular nursery? If you are worried, ask for numbers of parents you could call and hear about their experiences at the nursery. But in general, as pps have said, nursery carers are hugely experienced. My nearly 4 year old is still in touch via WhatsApp messages with his carer from the baby room at his nursery that he started at 7 months! He absolutely adores her.

Original poster

panIcmodee · 10/09/2023 11:10

sunnydayhereandnow · 10/09/2023 11:09

Have you heard any such stories about that particular nursery? If you are worried, ask for numbers of parents you could call and hear about their experiences at the nursery. But in general, as pps have said, nursery carers are hugely experienced. My nearly 4 year old is still in touch via WhatsApp messages with his carer from the baby room at his nursery that he started at 7 months! He absolutely adores her.

E@sunnydayhereandnow that’s so nice! No not heard anything bad, the opposite really.

OP posts:

sunnydayhereandnow · 10/09/2023 11:11

Just saw your previous message. It's rare not to have had an hour away from your baby when she's already 11 months. Perhaps try to have a few short outings without her so it won't be so new to you to leave her when she starts nursery and so she knows that you will go and then come back - and remember, that the worries are more about you adjusting to leaving her rather than her - at that age most kids are really ready for the social life and wider horizons of nursery.

MintJulia · 10/09/2023 11:11

I wanted to be sure who was looking after my ds so I chose a childminder. I'd met her, checked her references myself, watched her with ds. She was lovely and had 22 yrs experience. Ex-regional supervisor. Kind and jolly.

Might that personal sort of arrangement feel better?

Mischance · 10/09/2023 11:12

Give it a go before you need to go back to work ... an odd half day here and there to see how it goes. If it doesn't suit then a career break is not the end of the world. Forget any "shoulds" and do what is right for you and your child.
I had a career break and it was no problem at all.

WooWooWinnie · 10/09/2023 11:13

This is just my opinion, but she probably won’t be as well looked after as she is with you. You’re her parent! But she will be well enough looked after, and she will do things and socialise and gain experiences that she wouldn’t get with you.

It probably does seem like a massive step if you haven’t even been away from her for an hour. You haven’t said how old dd is now but I’m not sure that’s healthy. Do you have a partner? Haven’t they looked after dd alone for a couple of hours so you can go and meet a friend/have a swim/get a haircut or whatever. Any family to help with childcare on a ad hoc basis? If your baby is stil
tiny it’s fair enough, but if they are approaching 11 months old I think maybe you need to start getting used to small amounts of time without them and build it up.

BridetoBee · 10/09/2023 11:16

@panIcmodee i think you need to think realistically about your options. A nursery would be 1:3 so no realistically she isn’t going to get the same level she gets when she’s 1:1 with you if she’s your first but she will get lots from the other children etc. A childminder would be a more home from home environment but still not 1:1 or if you’re very well paid you could look at a nanny which would offer more of the 1:1 care you’re after.

Echobelly · 10/09/2023 11:17

I agree with @WooWooWinnie - it won't be the same level as being with you, but it will be good enough and that's the important thing. It is healthy for your child to get used to time without you, and vice versa - you don't need to prove to anyone that you are 'a good mum' by never leaving your child's side, in fact the healthiest thing is to be able to have time to yourself and for baby to have time with other people, IMO.

JhsLs · 10/09/2023 11:18

It’s hard and the anxiety when you first leave them is awful. It comes in peaks and troughs. Mine son is 2 and has been going to nursery for over a year and still has to be peeled off me some mornings. However, he will have to start school at some point and nursery is a good transition.

VyeBrator · 10/09/2023 11:19

panIcmodee · 10/09/2023 11:08

@WooWooWinnie thanks this is nice to read. She will be going four days a week. I am dreading it as I just don’t think she will
be as cared for as she is with me. I haven’t had even an hour away from her yet.

Show quote history

She won't be, but that doesn't mean she won't be cared for at all.

It's difficult and there's a hell of a lot of trust involved in handing non verbal DC over to others, to care for them.

But what's the viable alternative really?

Thelnebriati · 10/09/2023 11:30

YANBU to feel this way because no one chooses these kinds of feelings.

But the negative impact here is on you, not your baby. Can you find a CBT therapist who can help you learn to leave her without feeling overwhelmed?

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 10/09/2023 11:40

You are me a year ago - it's so hard when you love them so much, isn't it?

For what it's worth our nursery has been amazing for my little one, they love it and have learnt so much in a year, and also really bonded with the staff there. I wish I haven't stressed so much at the start - but obviously will again when they go to school :)

Perhaps you could speak to the nursery about feeling anxious? They have definitely seen this before and might be able to help and answer any questions you have (e.g. how often do they change nappies).

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 10/09/2023 11:53

Also, not strictly related but I can't get my head around childminders - so in my nursery the ratio for under 2s is 1:3, and each member of staff only looks after the 3 kids with a bit of activity setting/tidying up. They don't cook (kitchen staff do), don't clean (there's a cleaner), don't do any admin beyond taking pictures of kids and uploading info for parents on the app (there is a finance and admin team).

But a childminder will have to do all of that whilst looking after the same 3 kids?

RLmadmum · 10/09/2023 11:58

Aw, OP, YANBU to have these feelings. I would say it's natural to be worried. I would contact the nursery to see if they can placate your worries, I bet they deal with anxious parents every year! The fact that you haven't heard anything negative about this nursery is good, see if you can go have a few show rounds and maybe some settling in sessions before you return to work just so you can ensure this will work out for you? Then if it's not the right place, you have time to make other arrangements? Big hugs x

ZoChan · 10/09/2023 13:42

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 10/09/2023 11:53

Also, not strictly related but I can't get my head around childminders - so in my nursery the ratio for under 2s is 1:3, and each member of staff only looks after the 3 kids with a bit of activity setting/tidying up. They don't cook (kitchen staff do), don't clean (there's a cleaner), don't do any admin beyond taking pictures of kids and uploading info for parents on the app (there is a finance and admin team).

But a childminder will have to do all of that whilst looking after the same 3 kids?

😂 yes that's right. I am superwoman 😂

Mischance · 10/09/2023 20:35

Please do not go for CBT because you are concerned about leaving your baby who has only existed for 11 months! It is not a pathology to care about your own child!!