Looking for some advice/ideas on this situation if anyone has any - thanks in advance.
Mum and Dad divorced over 23 years ago. From my memories of living through it, Dad very much mistreated mum
(stonewalling, gaslighting etc over many years). Despite all this Mum has always wanted to be amicable (e.g. for birthdays, graduations etc) but Dad still to this day can't even bring himself to say hello unless she does first, grinds his teeth in her presence, has a face of thunder etc. That said, when I'm alone with him he uses me to try and find out info about her life. I feel sure he still loves her, despite how badly he treats her when he sees her.
After the divorce, both my sister and I were very equal in how we treated Mum and Dad. It worked well. 14 years ago, though, she married someone who has a very macho approach to life and an approach where everything seems to have to be done his way. I'd describe him as quite domineering/controlling.
Since then, things have totally fallen apart. For me, I just simply haven't been able to get on with who she has become (whilst I recognise people do and must change as life goes on, I just find her utterly unrecognisable /unrelatable) or gel with her husband. Despite attempts to reconcile, none have succeeded, so we have not had any contact for 2 years now. This is sad especially as I have a nephew who I will always love dearly, but I don't want my nephew to be around conflict, so haven't seen him either.
My mum has maintained contact longer than me, but has slowly been forced out, being told that Dad has the priority on seeing my nephew because 'he is the only one who has accepted my sister's husband'. My sister's husband's family are all very involved and they are all of a similar ilk and approach (e.g. my nephew is very much being steered down a route in relation to sport, that aligns with all of their preferred sports. I remember my sister asking my nephew his favourite sport and when he didnt reply what she wanted, she corrected him and told him that it was something different aligned to what her and her husband, her husband's family and my dad want it to be).
For a long while now my sister has taken to repeatedly screaming at mum when they speak, and being generally vile to her (verbally), to the point where mum cannot take any more and they have also banned my mum from seeing her own grandson until 'she changes'! She has also gaslighted her a few times.
Mum is absolutely devastated, really struggling to carry on with the situation as is and cannot see what she has done so wrong to deserve such cruel treatment. Neither can I - mum is one of the kindest, soft-hearted, loving people on this planet and has offered such kindness and support to both my sister and husband over the years, treating him no differently to anyone else.
They simply don't have a lot in common, but she has always been so very kind, fair, respectful and a wonderful mum in law that anyone would be so lucky to have. She has no need to change anything about herself. I am absolutely gutted for her, and continue to support her but am struggling myself as it has been going on for so long and sometimes, I really crave a release from it all.
Throughout all this, the relationship with my dad and I has suffered (he is very much in my sister's camp). I have only seen him once this year and it has now become very 'us' (me, my husband and mum) and 'them' (my sister, her husband, my dad).
I have most recently said to my dad that until my mum is treated better by all of them and she can see her grandson, it doesn't feel right to see him (things had been deteriorating between him and I in any event), and whilst I know this is a very low blow, I just don't know how else to change things for my mum. AIBU or are there any other ways to improve things for my mum?
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