Should he have invited them?

AnotherCountryMummy · 2023-09-10T03:41:09+00:00

I'm laying here stewing at 4.30am over this and I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so please give me perspective. I went out for dinner last night with a friend, so DH was due to have a rare night alone with DS, 2 years old. DS is currently in a big 'I want mummy' phase and I'm pretty sure it's because he doesn't get enough quality alone time with his dad. And this morning (Sunday), I'm also out for the morning. Sidenote - I never normally go out like this at the weekends. It's a rare treat. Usually, we have family days out, or I look after DS and DH takes my DSDs to sports. I was really looking forward to my son having an evening and then a morning alone with his father, completely one-on-one. I cannot remember the last time this happened and I think their relationship needs it. At 4pm yesterday, DH announced that he's asked for his 2 daughters to come back to us and stay. They only left yesterday morning, and DH spent the morning taking them to their separate sports, so was out of the house. They've been with us since Thursday. We have them around 40% of the the and last night was meant to be their mum's time. For the record, I have no issues with them staying with us and I am in no way trying to reduce their contact with their Dad. But I'm fuming that he chose to opt out of special time alone with his son, so he can spend time with his daughters. I'm livid and I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being irrational.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/09/2023 04:43

I think it's nice he invited them over. It's probably nice for your son as well to spend time with his sisters.

ShippingNews · 10/09/2023 04:44

I think you are being unreasonable. He wasn't trying to get out of spending time with DS, he was just adding two more kids. I'm sure he had a good time with all three of them, and you had some time away so everyone wins.

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 04:46

Thank you. My son get tonnes of time with his sisters, which he loves and so do they. We are lucky they get on so well.

I guess I'm just sad that my son doesn't get the 1-1 time with his dad, but his sisters do.

OP posts:

BeeEyeEnGeeOh · 10/09/2023 04:48

ShippingNews · 10/09/2023 04:44

I think you are being unreasonable. He wasn't trying to get out of spending time with DS, he was just adding two more kids. I'm sure he had a good time with all three of them, and you had some time away so everyone wins.

This.

Surely being a good dad is wanting to spend as much time as possible with all his children?

If you don't want him to spend time with his other kids you should have chosen someone who didn't already have children when you met. If all three were yours your DH wouldn't be having very much one on one time with your son and it would be fine!

Dontsparethehorses · 10/09/2023 04:50

It’s probably more their ages and when ds is at an age of going to sports clubs etc dh will take him and have 1:1 time then. To be honest I’m not sure taking and watching at sports clubs counts as quality time like an eve in would. From his perspective they are all his children and he’s enjoying time with them all together. I might suggest to him he’s made it harder for himself rather than just having ds but that’s his choice?

WtfHormones · 10/09/2023 04:51

Does he really have one on one time with his daughters? As in separately? How does that work?

I think it's lovely that your child would have had attention from 3 family members instead of one.

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 04:52

BeeEyeEnGeeOh · 10/09/2023 04:48

This.

Surely being a good dad is wanting to spend as much time as possible with all his children?

If you don't want him to spend time with his other kids you should have chosen someone who didn't already have children when you met. If all three were yours your DH wouldn't be having very much one on one time with your son and it would be fine!

Show quote history

Thank you, the latter half of your comment about if all three of them were mine makes sense and gives me perspective.

The first half of your comment stung and was hurtful. I specifically said in my post that I'm not trying to limit contact between my DH and my DSDs. I didn't make the decision to marry someone with kids lightly.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 04:53

ShippingNews · 10/09/2023 04:44

I think you are being unreasonable. He wasn't trying to get out of spending time with DS, he was just adding two more kids. I'm sure he had a good time with all three of them, and you had some time away so everyone wins.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 04:57

Dontsparethehorses · 10/09/2023 04:50

It’s probably more their ages and when ds is at an age of going to sports clubs etc dh will take him and have 1:1 time then. To be honest I’m not sure taking and watching at sports clubs counts as quality time like an eve in would. From his perspective they are all his children and he’s enjoying time with them all together. I might suggest to him he’s made it harder for himself rather than just having ds but that’s his choice?

Yes, this is very true, thank you. I guess DS's time will come as he gets older. And you're also right, maybe sports aren't quality time after all.

Thank you, I feel a little better.

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 10/09/2023 04:59

Personally I'm not convinced that a 2 year old enjoys 1:1 time with their parents. They live in little bubbles and enjoy the moment, whoever they are with. I bet he had a blast with his two sisters and his dad !

EsteeFodder · 10/09/2023 04:59

I'd feel the same as you OP. He probably didn't invite the girls as a way of getting out of 1-2-1 time with your son. He maybe thought they could help entertain him? I get it though.

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:00

WtfHormones · 10/09/2023 04:51

Does he really have one on one time with his daughters? As in separately? How does that work?

I think it's lovely that your child would have had attention from 3 family members instead of one.

Yes, but probably more with one daughter who does a sport several times a week, which the other doesn't.

Thanks though, I think I'm starting to look at this a bit differently now.

OP posts:

Adreno · 10/09/2023 05:00

I assume you’re not planning on having any more children with him as that will also further limit your son’s 1-on-1 opportunities?

onthenightfeed · 10/09/2023 05:02

if your DS Is at an 'I want mummy' stage, DP might have felt that the distraction of extra people would be better for making the time they spend together quality time (having lots of fun together) rather than just feeling like second best and spending the evening consoling DS who would really prefer you.

I think in the same situation my DP would do the same. We're first time parents and the first time I went out for the evening, he took our DS to his fellow Dad friend's house for moral support. I was totally ok with that because the more relaxed and confident he was, the better it would be for DS.

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:03

EsteeFodder · 10/09/2023 04:59

I'd feel the same as you OP. He probably didn't invite the girls as a way of getting out of 1-2-1 time with your son. He maybe thought they could help entertain him? I get it though.

Thank you! I was starting to feel like a right cow! Yes, I don't think he did it to get out of 1-2-1 time. I guess I'm just a bit hurt that he wasn't looking forward to alone time with his DS. But maybe I'm projecting something there.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:05

ShippingNews · 10/09/2023 04:59

Personally I'm not convinced that a 2 year old enjoys 1:1 time with their parents. They live in little bubbles and enjoy the moment, whoever they are with. I bet he had a blast with his two sisters and his dad !

Thank you!

I'm thinking I've been projecting some other feelings on to this situation.

OP posts:

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 10/09/2023 05:05

It's not as if he invited his mates round, he chose to spend time with all of his children. There are men who do not see any of their kids at all through choice. You need to get a bit of perspective and choose your battles.

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:06

Adreno · 10/09/2023 05:00

I assume you’re not planning on having any more children with him as that will also further limit your son’s 1-on-1 opportunities?

Yes that is exactly right. We are having no more children.

Point taken, though. This place is good for a head wobble.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:09

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 10/09/2023 05:05

It's not as if he invited his mates round, he chose to spend time with all of his children. There are men who do not see any of their kids at all through choice. You need to get a bit of perspective and choose your battles.

Thank you. I'm getting the perspective I needed!

OP posts:

onthenightfeed · 10/09/2023 05:13

I've seen some of your replies, please don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Dad's do just think differently than us and sometimes it can feel so alien to ua that they don't feel the same. I think we have to just accept that 😅

I just like to have a little rant to my mum friends who no doubt have DP's who have done the same thing, and then all is right in the world again. (MN can be a little harsher than friends)

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:17

onthenightfeed · 10/09/2023 05:13

I've seen some of your replies, please don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Dad's do just think differently than us and sometimes it can feel so alien to ua that they don't feel the same. I think we have to just accept that 😅

I just like to have a little rant to my mum friends who no doubt have DP's who have done the same thing, and then all is right in the world again. (MN can be a little harsher than friends)

Thank you, that brought a little tear to my eye 🥲 I think I'm tired, too hot and overthinking it all. I'm sure my son had a great night and will have a fun morning with his family. And I'll feel right again after a morning away from it all 😅

OP posts:

Dontsparethehorses · 10/09/2023 05:29

Enjoy your morning and I recommend getting away more often so ds and dh get plenty more opportunities to bond and enjoy quality time together 😉

Seashellies · 10/09/2023 05:34

I can see why you feel that way but it sounds nice for him to have time alone with all 3 of his children.

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:44

Dontsparethehorses · 10/09/2023 05:29

Enjoy your morning and I recommend getting away more often so ds and dh get plenty more opportunities to bond and enjoy quality time together 😉

Bloody great idea, thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:45

Seashellies · 10/09/2023 05:34

I can see why you feel that way but it sounds nice for him to have time alone with all 3 of his children.

Thank you 🙂

OP posts: