To cut my sibling off

[Haveanotherdear]

My sibling doesn’t seem interested in a relationship with me. They are very self absorbed, always have been. They never contact me directly and I admit I don’t contact them either because I never felt welcome to. Everything they hear about me and my family is second hand through our parents. If I’m speaking on our wider family messaging app, they mostly ignore my news or comments. They only engage with me if it’s about them. They are not interested in my children or how they’re doing yet expect me to show interest in theirs. I truly think if my parents were not around they’d not speak to me….or perhaps they would if they had no other family left. I don’t know. It makes me sad that they don’t want to bother and I wonder if I should just go no contact to preserve my own mental health. Would that be silly of me? I have no other family and my parents are getting quite old.

How do they 'expect you' to show interest in theirs? What's been said?

In a similar situation OP. I've tried over the years but messages would always be the briefest replies, never asked how I was, how DC were etc. They are similar with other family members as well. I had my first DC a few years before they had children and there was never any interest having a relationship with them. Thought when their own children came along it might change things and they'd want the cousins to know each other but it was still zero effort on their part. We have never even been invited to a DC birthday. So in the end I just stopped bothering. We haven't seen each other for well over a year now. We send each other bday cards and presents for DC and that's all the contact there is. Tbh I'd like to stop the presents as it feels so pointless.

If you don't contact them is it possible they feel the same way as you do?

Slightly different situation, but I have gone none contact with my sister.

I have a physical disability, and whilst she is fine with me one to one, in public she always looks embarassed to be seen with me. The same with my two nieces. It was effecting my mental health, and she was also gaslighting me because if I ever touched on the subject, she told me I was imagining it. There's also other issues with her as well, including that she wasn't nice to my late DM at times, and I genuinely feel much better for going no contact.

I’m a bit unclear how cutting them off would work or how it confers benefits that your current situation doesn’t?

Why can’t you just press on as you do now but accept that your relative isn’t interested in a relationship?

sibling rivalry? Could this be linked to parental favouritism as children? If so it might be worth blaming your parents and building a relationship with sibling.

Is it because they show no interest in your kids?
Do they have kids?
Not everyone gushes over children.

I have siblings who aren't interested in my child. I'm not desperately interested in some of theirs either. I think that's normal.

We have a family facebook group and share news & activities on that. Everyone is included and can join in or not, as they choose.

I don't see a benefit in 'cutting someone off'. How would that help? People go through stages in their lives when they are work-absorbed, or raising toddlers or dealing with difficult relationships etc and you just have to let them get on with it.

Issue general invitations and when they want to take part, they will. When their children are older, maybe they will too.

I bet if you started to show interest in her life, she would do the same . The question is, who is the bigger person?

I don’t particularly like one of my sisters haha but I love her , if that makes sense . She is family and I can’t imagine my life without her.

I wonder if I should just go no contact

You already don't contact each other. What would change if you went no contact, would you remove yourself from the wider family messaging group? Do you want to do that?

You could approach this differently OP. Could you arrange to meet your sibling and spend a little time together? Lunch, a walk, a visit to theatre or cinema then coffee, a sporting event, a visit to a spa or a pleasant location for a few hours - a small town, a zoo, a castle? What could work for you.
you might enjoy it and begin to reconnect.
I have family members who I didn’t see really for years ( both with children to raise, live a distance away) but we reconnected after a family wedding and for the past ten years have had many enjoyable visits and now get on very well.
you could change the relationship with your sibling for the better.

i'm planning to carry on seeing the family on the rare occasion I do, and just speak my mind, or make passive aggressive comments about how 'these are your nieces/nephews, in case you can't remember them'. That's probably the higher ground.

It really isn't @15Lee20 . People very rarely respond well to passive aggression. No wonder they don't go out of their way to see you.

If you want people to show an interest in you and your kids, and to visit, you need to make them want to, by ensuring that they enjoy your company and WANT to see you.

Anyone who spoke to me on the way you do, would not be someone I'd choose to spend time with.

Wowzer! Angry much? It's just a forum

Life is busy/short, just get on with nurturing the relationships that matter to you.
I don’t get the whole thing of whether to go NC for something as insignificant as this.
I really appreciate those relationships which can just pick up from where they left off without the passive aggressiveness that some people seem to use.

I'm a bit further on than you in that now I've lost both my DP and their house is sold.

Relations with my sibling are almost non existent. I prefer that to the years of abuse I have put up with from him. Ironic but it's his loss as we are a family and he's the one on his own and getting older and nobody will notice if anything happens to him.

I suppose to my mind, me making the decision to cut them out is protecting my feelings when they do blank me on the group or they do not acknowledge something to do with my DC. If I’ve cut them off then they don’t get to hurt me.

You're coming over as being judgmental, it's perfectly OK to say you actively don't want children, perfectly OK to say you don't like them. But to be honest if it makes you happy cut her off, it doesn't sound like she'd be particularly bothered.