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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or am I being a bitch??

31 replies

VanillaPumpkin · 03/03/2008 13:56

DFIL has pissed my off over the last year. He lives overseas and we went to visit him last year and we all had a great time and he went on and on about how much he misses us and the dd's. So when he was back in the UK for three months this summer I reasoned he might come to visit. I was wrong. This made me and . The dd's are perfectly well spoilt by their other grandparents and so they are not missing out, but he is and is full of sadness and regrets when we do meet up . (He has acted in this way since he went overseas 6 years ago).
So I made a decision to not make as much effort with him now. We sent him a photo of the girls for Christmas. (He sent us a card asnd some money for the dd's). I then emailed the other sets of grandparents (all divorced) to see if they wanted dd's school photo as they had had one at Christmas. I did not email him and decided that if we got the others one we would get him one too. They all said yes so I have ordered them all one (inc him). MIL (divorced for 5 years now, separated from him for 8) replied to me yes please on the photo and that FIL will want one too .
I then sent some photos of the dd's to the UK gp's. I then got an email from FIL saying what nice photos they were and that he would be over in the UK in the next two months. I am a bit annoyed as DMIL (his ex) has obviously forwarded the photos. I am not going to mention it to anyone in RL as I am aware I am being a bit silly, but am I just being a total bitch. DFIL has disappointed me SOOO much since he moved. His own sons don't get birthday presents from him any more and DH doesn't either (though the other son DBIL does get a cheque for the same amount he sends for the dd's) Makes DH feel great and while I won't be overtly difficult I don't see why I should go out of my way to contact him and send him pictures and I am annoyed that DMIL has seen fit to get involved!
I am a bitch aren't I??? .

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/03/2008 13:58

No.

Chequers · 03/03/2008 14:03

Message withdrawn

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 03/03/2008 14:04

I meant no birthday presents and no Christmas present for DH either, though other child free son gets a cheque for amount our dd's get........

OP posts:
WelliesAndPyjamas · 03/03/2008 14:05

He sounds an awful awful awful lot like my FIL, all good intentions when we are face to face and smitten with DS but the rest of the time is difficult to get any reaction from. His OH's kids get more time and attention from him, and once they start having kids I know they will have more of a relationship with him than DS.

I know that it is very sad and enfuriating for you. But you are doing the right thing by letting him get on with it in his own way. If there is one thing I have learnt since DS came along is that I can't change the behaviour and attitude of my FIL. Treat him nicely when he visits/you visit but let him do all the chasing if you have got tired of doing it ourself.

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 03/03/2008 14:10

Chequers - You made me LOL! You have read me perfectly. I actually will have it out with him when I see him . I am the only one who ever says anything to his face even though the rest of the family bitch more than I do. You are right about dmil too. I have shared my disappointments with her before when she was singing his praises (couldn't help myself) and I am sure she realises that if I stop making the effort then the boys won't fill that gap. And that would make her sad actually.
I think I am sharing on here because actually I will feel like I have told someone and got it out of my system a bit.
I don't think I made a hugely conscious decision not to send the photos, I just didn't think of him and figured he wouldn't know any better........now he does maybe he will step up a bit. IOn fact maybe it has worked and that is the reason for the rare email??? .
I am very forgiving usually and this is unlike me so that is the reason for interest in your opinions too.....

OP posts:
Chequers · 03/03/2008 15:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 03/03/2008 17:00

Thanks Chequers .
I think he is coming to the UK in April so hopefully we shall see him then. Both his sons live in this part of the world. He only saw them once in the three months over the summer, at the dd's Christening, which was very busy, so he had no real time with any of us. Just enough time for me to make my point that it was a shame we hadn't seen him, to which he said dh could have called him, to which I pointed out he had and had to walk away as I didn't want the girls day spoilt . Pah men!

OP posts:
Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 11:24

Ooh another email. Perhaps he has taken the hint after all. I have invited him to stay when he is over (I would hope he knows he doesn't have to be asked, but who knows?). We will see if they can fit us in this time . Hope so for everyone's sake....

OP posts:
lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 11:39

Surely if your husband is hurt by not receiving a present he should speak with him rather than you not sending a photo as punishment. My dad doesn't get anything from his mum but he doesn't mind, he knows she's old and has better things to spend her money on, like her grandkids (and it sounds like he still sends yours money).

Some people are useless at keeping in touch, the old 'ohhh I really miss you, we really should keep in touch more' is either true but they're not very good at actually doing it, or it's an overexageration and they've said it because they feel they should do. Either way witholding a photo isn't going to make him change his ways, you'll either have to say that you were disappointed at him not coming round (did you invite him??) or I would just leave it. Certainly the MIL has nothing to do with it, she just didn't want him to miss out, I expect she knows more than anyone how useless he is!!

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 11:49

Oh DH would never say anything.
I didn't punish him by not emailing him the photos. I just couldn't be bothered at the time as I felt that was how he had been.
We did specifically invite him up over the summer. DH rang him directly to ask. That is why I was angry when he said we hadn't called at the Christening, and is why I have issued such a specific invite this time.
I was annoyed with MIL for getting involved as I didn't feel it was any of her business. I now think I was wrong to think this as it is her son and her grandchildren at the end of the day. Anyway I think her forwarding the email has reminded him that he should make an effort as well as me so I guess it has worked after all.

OP posts:
lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 11:50

Does your DH mind at not getting a present?

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 11:51

He knows I am upset he didn't visit over the summer. I did tell him that. I am quite honest with him really.

OP posts:
lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 11:56

That's all you can do Vanilla, if he knows you were upset because you told him so then you did the right thing.

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 11:56

No, but he is upset that his brother and his wife still get a present.
DH and dbil didn't get a birthday card for four years. Poor dbil was even out there visiting on his birthday and still nothing . He is spectacularly thoughtless sometimes.
We are very well spoilt by my family who are thoughtful with their gifts. It is not about the presents. They are an example of his thought process though....

OP posts:
lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 11:59

Some people are thoughtless by nature. I forgot to send my mother her mother's day card a couple of years back (left it in the glove box and went on holiday, oppps!) and she was really pissed off. Personally I thought it was pathetic but seeing all the threads on here about how people's husband's haven't got them a mother's day card and how they're really pissed off puts it in perspective I suppose.

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 12:01

Oh yes. I don't bitch just behind his back . When he came to see us two years ago I mentioned the lack of cards and he said he couldn't buy them so I said 'come on' and took him to my friend who sells Phoenix cards and he bought a family pack . I am bossy aren't I? We have had cards ever since so actually I suppose I am being a bit unfair now I have remembered that. He did make an effort there and programmed all the birthdays into his computer so he would remember. I guess I just hope for more....
Baby steps then....I just took this summer as a big step backwards .

OP posts:
Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 12:04

Lol at you forgetting to post your Mothers Day card and going on holiday . I hope my Mum would have seen the funny side.
I suppose somethings really matter to some and not to others. Like the old thank you letter debate. As you might imagine I am a sender of thank you letters......

OP posts:
Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 12:05

Anyway, you weren't thoughtless there. You had bought the card. That is a simple mistake!

OP posts:
lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 12:05

Yeah I know what you mean about the summer, but I am really bad at that sort of thing, my best friend moved miles away a couple of years ago and she comes down to mine regularly because she drives the country for her work, and I always say I'll come to see her, and I just don't, it's bad that I don't, but it doesn't mean I don't like her, it just means I'm a useless toe-rag!

lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 12:07

I do somewhat overcompensate since making that slip up now I have to admit, she gets flowers, a card, AND a meal at her favourite (not cheap in the slightest) restaurant! She has me round her little finger, I just can't be arsed with a fight (hangover from when I used to live under the same roof!).

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 12:46

No not useless. It is difficult, and more so with friends in a way. Plus you have children in tow. And she moved away. We are the ones that moved away with dh's job and I certainly feel it is my responsibility to get back rather than others to visit me...
My other friend nearly always comes to me because her parents live this way.
I do think family should make more effort though esp a fit and able man with no children to haul along....We will see. I am hopeful for April...
And I am glad I am no longer miffed with MIL. It took this thread to make me realise that and actually she was being nice and thoughtful making up for my pettiness / laziness .

OP posts:
SueW · 04/03/2008 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

Original poster
VanillaPumpkin · 04/03/2008 13:58

Yes. FIL def thinks he is doing the fair thing. I guess it is just I wouldn't do that. BIL doesn't buy for us, just for the girls and I see this as completely fair . I think a parent though should still buy for his child I suppose....

FIL was invited up over the summer. We didn't assume he knew he was welcome. I think it is fair to agree there are some crossed wires though. I suppose I should mind my own business and let DH sort it but then FIL would really never get any photos, but nor would anyone else....

OP posts:
Soph73 · 04/03/2008 14:11

Sounds just like my father. We live abroad and he visits us every now & then. We have a DS and another on the way but he´s really not that bothered. I don´t even ask if he´s going to visit any more because DS's other grandparents more than make up for my Dad's lack of enthusiasm, although it is a shame.

themildmanneredjanitor · 04/03/2008 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.