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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DP feed 1 bottle of formula a day

50 replies

Al991 · 09/09/2023 16:49

I recently gave birth and had a very traumatic and difficult birth - am still recovering both physically and emotionally from what happened which could have killed me.

My baby is ~2 weeks and we are combination feeding as she has had weight loss issues, partially because of my own health. Obviously trying to prioritise breastfeeding but have been supplementing this to ensure weight gain.

At the moment I am completely exhausted, beside myself with anxiety and tearful from the sleep deprivation, trauma and worry about weight/feeding. I’ve started getting DP to do a formula only feed in the afternoon so I can have a couple of hours extra sleep.

AIBU to do this? Should I feel guilty for not putting my baby first for those few hours a day?

OP posts:
Twizbe · 09/09/2023 17:29

absolutely fine to do this. You can do this from now on if you want, or just do it every few days to allow you to rest, or whatever. Mid afternoon is a good time to do that as it allows you to rest, then to have some bonding time and you can still give the nice sleepy hormone full milk at bedtime in the night.

Having a baby is a huge transition for any woman. If you feel the need to talk to someone, the NCT infant feeding line or any of their in person groups are a great place to start. Their staff and volunteers are trained to listen. Sometimes you just need to talk about what’s happened to help you process it.

Mariposa26 · 09/09/2023 17:35

You are putting your baby first by looking after yourself! You need sleep and recovery time. Please don’t feel guilty, but I know it’s hard in those few weeks. I felt guilty about things like this too, but you really are doing an amazing job and must look after yourself!

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 17:36

Of course it's fine to do it. Formula isn't poison and it's nothing to be ashamed about.

You matter too and what good are you to baby as you currently describe? It will also be a nice bonding moment for dad too.

RackJussells · 09/09/2023 17:40

OP please don’t feel guilty. I had an extremely traumatic birth with my daughter who is now almost 8 years old, I tried to BF, but could barely sit up in bed let alone BF, so I stopped.

I had a son 4m ago and combi fed via pumping and formula. My mental health was declining fast and I stopped pumping at 9 weeks PP, I had that horrid guilty feeling hanging around, but he’s now all FF and just as happy and thriving just as much too :)

Please look after yourself, I realised I’m much “better” to my children when my mental health is taken care of too.

Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best for your baby despite your traumatic birth and I’m sorry you went through this ❤️

DesTeeny · 09/09/2023 17:43

I ended up in a mental health hospital partly from exhaustion (exacerbating PND and huge anxieties). Your baby needs a healthy, rested (as much as possible) Mum more than they need breast milk.

AdoraBell · 09/09/2023 17:44

Sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture. Do whatever you can to get some sleep. Start off with the one bottle feed by your DP.

WaltzingWaters · 09/09/2023 17:46

You’re putting your baby first by ensuring they are fed and ensuring you are getting some rest and therefore able to be awake enough to tend to them the rest of the time. It’s a great bonding time for baby and her dad also.

emmylousings · 09/09/2023 17:49

I bf both my DSs for nearly 2 years. Older DS loved a bottle each day, but always loved Bf. Once bf is established, your milk supply will match perfectly what baby wants. Its amazing! Really nice for dad to get involved. Go for it.

BackOfTheMum5net · 09/09/2023 18:04

It’s so nice that your partner gets to do this for your baby, it’s a great bonding experience and it makes things more flexible for you all in the future - if you have a hospital appointment or any emergency and cannot be there, you know baby will be fed and cared for. Plus it sounds like you deserve the rest! You’ll be able to give baby better quality time for being properly rested yourself, and have a better chance of going the distance with breast feeding which can be utterly draining.

Seize this opportunity and don’t look back!

rwalker · 09/09/2023 18:08

I can’t see a downside baby feed you get rest DP able to feed baby

win win win

FlickyCrumble · 09/09/2023 18:09

Wonderful idea. Get him to do one of the night feeds as well.

JMSA · 09/09/2023 18:11

Oh my goodness, PLEASE do not worry about this! You're amazing.
All the very best with your recovery x

TiptopTommy · 09/09/2023 18:12

Is DP the baby’s father? I don’t suppose it matters much either way, but if he is baby’s dad I don’t understand the drama about a father feeding his child?

Marblessolveeverything · 09/09/2023 18:15

Something that all mother's struggle to learn, myself included, is you have to prioritise yourself for the benefit of your children.

Your recovery, is paramount for your baby. By taking a step that supports that you are making choices to benefit your little one.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Original poster
Al991 · 09/09/2023 20:54

Thank you all for your kindness. It has really helped change my perspective. Even though I’m ok with combination feeding it made me feel like a let down having her only have formula.

I am a bit worried about milk supply, but suppose she could just keep having the formula if needed.

My partner is the baby’s other mum, so it is nice for them to have that bond, though with the number of bottles on our feeding plan I am more just impressed she’s not sick of giving them!

OP posts:
FlyingPandas · 09/09/2023 20:59

Honestly OP just carry on doing what you're doing. What you will most likely find is that your supply will grow and adapt as it needs to, and a daily bottle of formula will not have a negative effect at all.

I did very similar with each of my three DC (an early evening bottle every day from around 2 weeks or so) and it was the best thing I ever did. They breastfed well and were always happy to take a bottle. Combination feeding really can be the best of both worlds.

Good luck with your recovery.

Alwaystired2023 · 09/09/2023 21:01

As everyone said - it's all absolutely fine whatever works for you, in this hard early days I used to remind myself 'no one asks Mike from accounts if he was bottle or breastfed' 🤣

Welcomer · 09/09/2023 21:01

You're doing the right thing for your baby, giving the formula, as it means you get a chance to rest. If possible get DH to give a bottle of formula at night too, then you'll feel even better!

PurpleWhirple · 09/09/2023 21:02

OP I have nothing to add to the support you've had here, but just wanted to say how brilliant it is to see that unanimous support! I opened the thread half expecting to see a whole load of tips from people on how to continue breastfeeding exclusively for your baby's sake but to your own detriment. This thread has revived my faith in Mumsnetters, it has not been a particularly nice place recently

Twizbe · 09/09/2023 21:07

Do speak to some breastfeeding support. If you want to protect your supply, feed from the breast whenever possible. Give in to cluster feeding. If it hasn’t happened already it might come soon. Baby might get very fussy in the evening and want to feed lots. This is normal and ok. If you can lean into it, it will help your supply to establish. Your partner can help by feeding you and dealing with everything else while you feed.

night time is a great time to feed from the breast as it’s quicker, helps baby go back to sleep, and your milk production is at its height.

A bottle in the day though might help you rest a bit. If you wanted you could also express that feed.

ErrolTheDragon · 10/09/2023 08:24

If you wanted you could also express that feed.

I found attempts to express completely exhausting, unproductive and demoralising. Perhaps worth a try but I'm not sure that at this stage it would necessarily help the OP.

IsobelNecessary · 10/09/2023 13:45

If you want to protect your supply, feed from the breast whenever possible. Give in to cluster feeding

Terrible advice for a woman who is already feeling guilty and finding it hard (and who has had the equivalent to a serious car crash in terms of physical and mental recovery).

In some situations, it's good advice. In this situation, it isn't.

Keep on doing what you're doing, OP, and don't ever feel guilty about it.

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2023 13:49

IsobelNecessary · 10/09/2023 13:45

If you want to protect your supply, feed from the breast whenever possible. Give in to cluster feeding

Terrible advice for a woman who is already feeling guilty and finding it hard (and who has had the equivalent to a serious car crash in terms of physical and mental recovery).

In some situations, it's good advice. In this situation, it isn't.

Keep on doing what you're doing, OP, and don't ever feel guilty about it.

Fully agree.

Parker231 · 10/09/2023 16:52

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2023 13:49

Fully agree.

Show quote history

The ‘give in the cluster feeding’ was one of the main reasons I used formula from day one. Best choice I made.

PurpleWhirple · 10/09/2023 22:13

IsobelNecessary · 10/09/2023 13:45

If you want to protect your supply, feed from the breast whenever possible. Give in to cluster feeding

Terrible advice for a woman who is already feeling guilty and finding it hard (and who has had the equivalent to a serious car crash in terms of physical and mental recovery).

In some situations, it's good advice. In this situation, it isn't.

Keep on doing what you're doing, OP, and don't ever feel guilty about it.

I tempted fate here with my comment about how great all the other comments were

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