To think that we should stop prioritizing attractiveness?

[oganesson]

I was working last week and overheard my colleague saying how she rarely compliments her teenage daughter on her appearance but accomplishments (e.g you're smart, hardworking, nice). She says that she wants her daughter to know that even if she's not considered conventionally attractive, she still has worth.

It sounds a bit mean at first but I'd agree with it. I generally don't like people criticizing others for being snowflakes but in this case I agree. I find the phrase "everyone is attractive" to be ridiculous. If everyone was then no one would be but more importantly, even if a person is not blessed with the best facial features, that doesn't stop them from leading a happy life.

As someone who is very unattractive, I completely agree. However humans are visual creatures. It's so 'hard-wired' in our brain to prefer attractive people that nothing will change.

I don't really like 'body positivity' and prefer 'body neutrality'. I'll say stuff to my DD like 'I'm glad my arms are big and strong so I can give you big hugs' or 'my tummy is soft for you to lie on' etc. I tend not to focus on looks and focus on function if that makes sense. If someone is differently abled then I'll say things like 'they use a wheelchair to move around, that's smart isn't it?'

I don't think we will ever move away form valuing attractiveness as a society - we are animals after all - but I'll try to focus more on other attributes with my children in hopes that they will see themselves for more than their looks.

Women who consider themselves unattractive are far more likely in my experience to end up with crappy partners because they think no one else will want them. So actually I don't think there's anything wrong with building up self esteem in terms of looks, as long as you don't make it the be all and end all.

Attractiveness and regular facial features are not the same thing. Some people have very average faces but exude sex appeal. Other people are not facially attractive but personality or sense of humour make them so.

With others, just having a happy, optimistic, cheerful persona can be very attractive.

I prefer to be honest with my teen ds. I compliment him on hard work, on achievement, and yes, when he makes the effort and turns himself out with a decent haircut, well pressed clothes, clear skin because he's takes the trouble to wash his face properly every day for a week, I will tell him he looks good.

Everyone needs a bit of a confidence boost now and then. I think balance is what matters.

But, and I speak from a place of knowing about this, nobody else does want us, and if we try and approach attractive men then we end up the subject of ridicule. My lived experience only but I was only thinking to myself today how much easier slim blonde women find life rather than lipoedema ridden heffalumps like me! I had a crappy partner, nobody else did want me and when I was speaking to someone who was on the scene in my 20s, he said 'I've always liked you but I'd never have got your size past my friends.' This conversation took place about 5 years ago so 20 years after the event, but please note that 20 years ago my measurements were 36d-27-36! He actually said to me 'my friends said I got slim and blonde, I'd made it, so I went for slim and blonde' and that's the attitude that needs changing.

Agree withh PP, it's a nice thing to say 'you look great' etc. But like all things, there's balance needed. It shouldn't be the only thing you're complimenting a child for. Behaviour and achievements (big or small) should be far more important.

People will always subconsciously treat attractive people better and it will therefore always be something that many parents hope for their DC. So, I don't think it's wrong to encourage children to be aware of the way they are presenting themselves.

If I end up with very average looking children then I'll still shower them in compliments and ensure they feel attractive. You don't need to be an absolute stunner, but it does help to look after yourself and have a basic level of awareness of your appearance.

Of course it is very important to encourage and praise other characteristics too.

I tell my daughter she's beautiful because she smiles and she's happy.

I mean... you've stated the obvious really... has this literally just occurred to you?! Or presumably you've never complimented anyone because of a quality or character trait?!

Regardless of all of this, which does sounds horrific, would it not still have meant something to think that your own mum and dad found you to be one of the most beautiful people they'd ever seen?

I've told my daughter all her life that I think she is beautiful, because it's true. I look at her and all I can see is her shining beauty. It's in the curl of her dark hair and the sparkle of her green eyes. It's in the smile that hasn't changed since she was a little girl and in the gentleness of her hands that have held mine since the minute she was born.

She knows that whatever other people think of her, I look at her and truly see how beautiful she is.

Coincidentally she has found a partner who also tells her all the time how beautiful she is to him.

Yes but they didn't, and they wouldn't lie. In fact where as every body else's daddy referred to them as 'my little princess', my dad called me his little elephant. I have working eyeballs and a mirror!

We have always tried to compliment accomplishment and effort over appearance with our child. She gets enough messaging about the value of appearance from the rest of society. We want her to know that what we value is on the inside.

Attractiveness and regular facial features are not the same thing.

I agree. I associate beauty solely with facial features. Attractiveness encompasses a much wider range of attributes.

Poppycock.

I was raised as “the smart one” and my sister as “the beautiful one”. Both are crap extremes - middle ground is best.

If you want to know how we turned out - my sister has literally no self-esteem aside from her looks, and has been in denial about ageing since she was 30.

I turned out rather arrogant and believing I’m always right and everyone should do as I say, on account of my smartness. Cringing at myself.

We have the opposite issue to your friend although the solution is the same. My DD is beautiful (I have never, in my life, looked as good as she does). People only seem to talk about her looks. We recently went to a funeral with about 60 people there. Nearly every single person came up to tell my DD how beautiful she is. Several people told her she should model.
Don't get me wrong. I genuinely appreciate the compliments and admittedly I do feel a little proud that everyone thinks she's beautiful.
However, I worry about the message this is sending to my daughter - that she's valued primarily for her looks. That her looks deserve so much praise and attention. I worry about her becoming conceited. In my mind, if you're beautiful it's just some kind of genetic fluke (neither me nor DH are exceptionally good looking) and therefore not really worthy of so much praise. I admire so many things about my daughter - personal qualities such as kindness, humour, the fact she works so hard at school. I always praise these things and try not to make a big deal about her appearance.

I was like that after leaving school. I got a job in a supermarket (p/t cos i was in college) and was brought down to earth like lightning! That job was the best thing i ever did!

I always thought we were just programmed to think our children are beautiful. I never lied to my children I just could only see their beautiful souls shining out of them.

I always knew my parents thought I was beautiful too. I sort of took it for granted, it seems ...

I'm trying to think of a polite way to say this, but it's hot and late and I can't, sorry 😐 but I've never heard of anything so daft. Fortunately I have two sons and they are really good looking, but if they weren't I wouldn't be telling them they were beautiful, it just sets them up to make a fool of themselves. I also agree with complimenting achievements rather than looks. They've done all sorts and know I'm really proud of them. My self worth comes from Mt achievements and not the way I look. I know my limitations in that department!

How do you know you're not the only one who finds them attractive? No one is going to tell you your kid is ugly and you probably see them as handsome because you made them. I think my kids are gorgeous but I also know that possibly others don't and it could just be that I love them so much they look perfect to me

Well, the amount of people that have mentioned it since they were babies, the fact one was used as a model fpr the cover of his school prospectus and the fact they have a waiting list for girlfriends kind of gives the game away rather.

It’s important not to lie, specially to the girls.
Looks matter, a lot.
If you’re ugly girl/woman, no ine wants you.
No man will date you (I know from personal expirience) and girls/women will bully/use you.

Don’t be those people who lie and gaslight with the ’it’s what’s on the inside that counts’ etc.

Looks matter, more than anything, no one cares about ’personality’ (so many mean people who are liked, have big friendship groups, are in relationships….).
It’s not fair. But it’s true.