to be considering online schooling / home schooling due to this?

[Startingtogetverytired]

My son has ADHD and finds the learning aspect of school very difficult but socially he is funny, kind and when we go out for days or on holiday he easily chats and picks up people to talk and hang out with but at school this just does not happen.
We live in a fairly affluent area and I teach at another local school and I honestly think it’s because the other kids are much more academically able that he just isn’t “ fitting in “
This was the same throughout primary no matter how many kids I took out for the day / had over to the house - the minute they were back in school he would be left alone.
We sent him to another local secondary for this reason and yet he has now started year 8 and is in exactly the same position.
Ive had meetings with he HOY but to no avail - they say he is seen as immature by the other children and that’s basically the reason.
He wont try another secondary and that wouldn’t really be feasible anyway as the other option is not only massively oversubscribed but full of all the other kids from primary school who didn’t bother with him.
I honestly don’t know what more I can do and he’s so lonely - I tracked down some of the mum’s numbers from his form group and over the summer took 5 out all on different days, spent a fortune and yet all this week not one of them even said hello
to him 😢

If you’re working how would it work on a practical note? Home schooling isn’t going to be an answer to social isolation — without a lot of planning it risks making it worse.

does he attend any activities outside of school?

That’s heartbreaking.

How does your son feel about homeschooling? Would you be able to give him opportunities to socialise? If he’s happy with it and you can meet his needs, then yes, I would homeschool.

Is there an alternative provision near you?

II would definitely take him out. Sounds like his mental health is probably going to get to breaking point soon.
But on the condition he attends at least one in-person club, scouts maybe.
And see what’s on for teens in your local home ed community…!

We homeschooled from age 10 going to several local home schl groups. At school dd had very few friends but made lifelong friends I. Her homeschool groups, some younger, some older as you don't get the 'only socialise with your age' thing you get at school. It doesn't work for everyone but if your child has needs school can't meet (my dd is educationally gifted) and they are isolated by lack of friends anyway then it can be a good option. I found the kids at the homeschl groups way more inclusive & kinder than at school.

Maybe check out local groups first, speak to other hs parents, work out how you will handle the logistics. We did a mix of online tutors, in person tutors & a small education hub that did GCSEs in small groups with a tutor. The beauty of homeschooling is you can avoid the pressure of taking 8 GCSEs in one year. Dd did them in batches, on one year courses from 12-15 and has now finished them all a year early. She is very smart but there's lots of less a academics smart kids in the community who've done the same.

I don't think homeschooling is the answer here. He would be even more isolated from his peers..

If he has a hobby that interests him, could he start going to clubs - with more people also interested in the same thing, he might stand a better chance of making friends.

It doesn't sound as if his school is being very proactive unfortunately. They should be trying to help instead of dismissing him as immature. As you said the other children are more academically able, could you get a tutor, to catch him up to the expected levels? This could give him more confidence.

100% take him out. Home ed world is full of diversity and there's so much he can get involved in. Online schooling is a very different prospect and I wouldn't advise this if it's the social aspect you're concerned about. But 'proper' home ed is great if you can afford to quit work. Mine have gone back in now but I have zero regrets.

Is there any other...outside the box..system of Education in the UK that would be easier for a kid with ADHD ? In lreland we have Youth Reach which doesn't have as many rules, more movement, more relaxed etc which becomes a safe place for some. Anything like that?

No amount of tutoring has helped sadly
He is dyslexic as well as ADHD so school work is very hard for him generally even though I’m a teacher and help as much as I possibly can

Hes even asked to try medication for his ADHD recently to see if it makes him “ smarter “

If you can do it and ensure he gets to socialise too then give it a go, assuming he is keen. But socialising "with his peers" is not necessarily the best thing. 30 random kids that happen to be born at the same time. Some stay lifelong friends with school friends, but many dont. DS disliked his peers. He had a sport he was interested in and we made sure he had time for this and he socialised with a range of ages regularly throughout the week.

Look into local colleges, they run courses for 14 - 16 year old (y10 and y11). This is what my son did. He did one day a week doing his course choice and one day a week doing GCSE maths, English and science.

That takes the pressure off you getting him through the basics, and he can chose others and start them early.

I’d be tempted to use tutors over online schooling if you can afford it. 1-to-1 attention that way and possibly better for his disabilities.
I also think that it’s worse being surrounded by people and being an outcast most of the time, than building friendships at a club or two and mixing with other homeschooled kids. I’d argue he’ll be less socially isolated that way than what he is now.

I would probably trial medication before pulling him out of school, especially if he is asking about it. He doesn’t have to stay on it if he doesn’t like it.

A friend uses an online school, it’s not cheap, but it has the same kind of day routine a school has. Then he could socialise with home school groups, clubs like cadets etc

Taking him out and getting involved in local HE meet ups and groups will support his socialisation as he'll gravitate towards others on his wavelength rather than his age.

My ds had no friends in school and while he's still not overly social (he just doesn't like people🤣) he does have friends now.

I would give the medication a try it may be the right time for him to try it. It won’t make him smarter but it may help him focus more and be more able to take in what is happening in class.

Yeah let’s medicate that child. That’ll solve his issues 🙄 Might be more kind to change his environment?

I home ed mine and laugh when I see people saying that it isolates children compared to school. I mean what do people think home ed kids do all day and where do they think they spend a lot of their time….? Erm in the real world. My DC spend a lot of time interacting with other children of all ages and other adults of all kinds day in day out.

Why not try the medication? If his peers regard him as immature, it might adjust things enough to enable him to be less impulsive and help him to develop relationships.

I know that HE has opportunities for meeting up in groups for activities, but I’m not sure that it would be enough to foster more permanent relationships.

Are you intending to stop teaching and teach him yourself?

What is your feeling about medication? Has he ever been offered it?

If he is emotionally immature he'd be better off making friends with younger children or those who have similar SEN as he does. What are his hobbies?

My ds has ADD and started on medication at aged 13. It made all this difference to his ability to build friendships. ADD can make them hugely impulsive and that can impact their ability to have a conversation..which is the building block of most friendships. Kids get frustrated when other kids are talking about this, then jump to that, then throw in a couple of fart noises and then get up to see what is happening over there….they just give up and make friends with kids that can hold a conversation topic about something consistently. The medication damps down the impulsivity and DS now has great friends and is very socially sought after. He did have to adjust to the concept that people would want to hang out with him, so it wasnt 100% straightforward, but he is older now and chooses the days he wishes to be medicated and those he doesnt based on what is scheduled etc.

Meds changed my DS's life. He went from being the pain in the arse who annoyed all his peers to being the sweet funny kid everyone likes, virtually overnight. His marks also shot up because he could actually focus for longer than 20 seconds. But the real benefit was he didn't feel the odd one out as much, he just fits better.
There are downsides of course, but his social functioning improved so drastically , and with it his confidence and self esteem.
Yeah, ideal world, everyone else moulds round him. But that was never going to happen.

I can't help with suggestions about school/homeschooling but if you're worried about his social life, does he have any hobbies/special interests? That might be a way for him to make friends outside of school and build confidence in his abilities.
Joining scouts, a martial arts class, drama club etc.. might help him.

Can I ask why you are resistant to meds .

My D’s started medication end of year 5 .. first term of year 6 he went from below expected to exceeding in maths.

but also he was happier less impulsive and more able to be in the moment .. meds don’t solve everything but do help ..

I always say trial meds they are short acting so - can take them off if necessary.

He was diagnosed end of year 5 and we were offered medication but he’s such a happy child, no behaviour issues really - we didn’t see a need to medicate.
He was always average at primary so wasn’t struggling as much as he did when started secondary last year and the friendship issues there weren’t because of his immaturity - the boys all went to reading clubs / library / kumon maths after school and he didn’t want to do any of these!

I have a meeting to discuss medication with the clinic who assessed him at the end of the month but I do worry even if he could suddenly focus to absorb information and didn’t interrupt others when talking now and again, that won’t be enough to find firm friendship groups.

My husbands brother had a terrible time on ADHD medication growing up and still left school without much of an education so I wanted it to be DS choice if he ever wanted to give it a shot, not ours.

He’s a real homebody and doesn’t like after school clubs - he goes to the gym but with his dad and we swim and play badminton together but clubs such as karate etc he dislikes a lot especially after school when he’s tired

Definitely look into home education. It could be the making of him. You can work it to fit you and your son. And you know what? It is ok to be a homebody. He will find his crowd at some point.

My son missed a lot of school in years 8 and 9 and we began home ed in year 10. He did 5 igcses over 2 sittings to get him onto his chosen level 3 course. We used a mix of online courses and resources as that worked for him and on top he developed a love of art so did that too (without exams) and joined a couple of clubs. I am a single mum and work full time (mostly) from home. We made it work.

Don’t underestimate how much headspace it takes up for both of you if school isn’t working.

There is a fab group on facebook called Home Education for All. Join that and read their guides.