Thinking of just disappearing

[Hellhathnopuree]

I’m just really unhappy in life. I have worked hard and got great qualifications, I’m in reasonable shape health wise , I’ve got a nice house , beautiful garden… it should be okay.
but it’s not, The truth is I don’t dont have a single friend, I barely leave the house, Other than DS and DH I can go weeks without speaking to another person , I don’t know anyone at all. It doesn’t really bother me except now DH and I don’t share a room or speak often and DS is vile at the moment and just refuses to leave his room.
I have skills and qualifications but I’m too depressed to work since DS came along, I struggle to interact with the outside world ( I was very extrovert before and really bubbly) but since settling down and having him I just feel like I have no brain cells and no energy.
I literally just sit here waiting for DS to shout that he wants something, and daydream about walking off and never coming back.
I keep being promised that this pill and that pill will change me and I’ll somehow be myself again but I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, I can’t imagine ever being happy again.

I'm so sorry that you're going through a difficult time. Being an adult can be really lonely at times💐
Have you been to your GP about how you are feeling? Is there anyone at work that you get along with and could possibly grow a friendship with? What are your hobbies and interests? Would joining a book club, exercise classes, woman's institute group or even volunteering for a charity help?

Your marriage is over and your kid is probably just reacting to/trying to escape the unhappiness of the household. What does your life after divorce look like? What are your dreams? Aim for that. Go out whenever you want, little bits at a time. It can’t be worse than this non-life you’re in at the minute.

@anotherpyjamaday the OP says she’s doesn’t work, and mentions pills, so presumably has seen a doctor.

Oh OP 💐

You sound very depressed and very lonely which is completely understandable given that you are an extrovert with hardly any human interaction. I'm sure anyone similar would feel the same as you in that kind of situation - I'm an extrovert and I'd imagine I'd feel exactly as you do.

I'm a big fan of antidepressants (I'm assuming this is what you mean by pills) but most of the time they're good for taking the edge off so that you can cope and/or giving you enough motivation to sort out the root issue. Perhaps for you you'll need to take action first.

What would be the easiest way for you to gain some connected time with other people? Do you have a local church? Most churches are very welcoming to newcomers. Does your son's school (if he is of school age?) have a PTA? Ours is always very keen for new volunteers. Do you have a local book club? I joined ours as my first foray back into the "adult world" after having my son. Come to think of it, the library itself is community run and they're always glad of help.

Please reach out to someone, anyone in real life. Ring the Samaritans if you feel that would be easiest. Your life is valuable and you matter and have a lot to offer - from your post you are articulate, intelligent and interesting. Get out there in whatever way you feel you can.

@ClementWeatherToday Thanks . I don’t think I really know why I’m the way I am. I could easily begin to do things and there’s huge opportunities here for socialising but the urge is gone. Soon after my pregnancy began I started hiding from people. I didnt want to be seen pregnant ( I can’t explain this) I felt very ugly and horrible and put a complete ban on photos and eventually started refusing to go out. After the birth I was similar it was the summer but I found myself picking walking routes that would avoid bumping into people I knew. By then I’d completely ghosted every single friend I had nobody saw the baby. 7 years on, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to be social, I’m kind of embarrassed to be outside my house even though there’s nothing remarkable about my appearance I just feel ugly and like I want to hide away. DH does 100% of school runs, all the shopping etc I just do all the inside jobs, gardening etc and occasional freelance projects but mentally I struggle with those even because I can be merrily working on something then I just get this crushing feeling and start to cry. The last time I tried to shop in a supermarket it happened and I just had to walk out. That was a few years ago.
I’m pretty hopeless now to be honest. Sort of tried everything but is like something got switched off inside me and it won’t come back on.
i feel like I’m too sad to make friends. Nobody would want to be around me because I’m bloody miserable .

That's hard OP. I could have written your post tbh. That was me a year ago (and to some extent now regarding feeling "who would want to know me"). I know we are all different and sometimes what works for one person is not going to work for another. I used to be bubbly, loads of friends but I had the energy and time for it.

Last year I decided to try go back to uni (despite having lots of qualifications already). I had my children very young and only had support from DH and vice versa. I passed my interview and various tests and start next week and it's a bit daunting. I am chucking myself in the deep end and moving out of my comfort zone. I have zero friends. So I do get what you are saying. I hope you are ok by the way.
Things that help me most are positive thinking, going easy on myself.

Have you had any counselling/therapy for any of this OP?
It sounds like you have a multitude of mental health issues going on.
Any other family other than DH and DS?

Oh how difficult it sounds for you.

I also think maybe counselling, can you afford that? It can be phone or online if going out is hard.

You can rebuild a life from absolutely nothing if you can work out what you want to and how. It takes time but is possible.

This is so unhelpful. OP has basically said she’s suffering from crippling long term depression and is housebound. Her husband is obviously doing every single thing that needs to be done for their family outside of the home and must be dealing with terrible stress himself, and potentially a lot of worry about a wife whose suffering he can’t alleviate. A marriage under this much pressure will understandably be buckling but it’s not automatically “over”.

OP, it sounds like you’ve sought medical help but you’re just not getting what you need. Can you afford to see a specialist who could advise on medication and/or therapy? Please don’t give up hope - there will be a route through this, you just need to find it, but it’s likely you’ll need some outside help if you’re struggling and at such a low ebb.

As someone already said, Samaritans provide a listening ear 24 hrs a day - they can’t actively solve your problems for you, but just picking up the phone and speaking to someone about your situation may relieve some of the pressure and help you think through some small positive changes you could make to start with 💐

It very much does sound that way. My reply was suggesting OP look forward to a happy life and future for herself.

Ah OP, I’m right there with you today! Different reasons but same feeling, it’s awful.

Its helping me to take one decision at a time, trying to make things better bit by bit.

Has your GP recommended any charities/services in your area for people who are struggling with mental health? There’s a couple of drop in places around me, and a place that does workshops to build confidence. Worth a google or look on Facebook.