To think she has NO RIGHT to be angry at ME! **content warning: mentions child abuse**

[ChildOfALesserGod]

A few years ago, I called my older sister (by 8 years) out on her then husband’s sexual harassment of me as a young teen - 12-13 years old. He would have been around 13 years old than me.

He was a disgusting letch who would put his hand out on for e.g a car seat or the sofa so he could grab my bum as I sat down, constantly making sexual references (asking I was wet down there) and even said he would like to pop my cherry in a conversation with my stepfather which my stepfather laughed at. I had no idea what that meant at that time but I clearly remember it due to the reference to cherry and popping it as it confused me as to how they can pop. BIL would often insist on giving me lifts and often would be at our house. My parents witnessed this behaviour. Nothing was ever said. BIL came from a very wealthy family, drove a massive posh car and my family were pretty overawed by him and his family,

Sister’s reaction at the time was to say for goods sake leave her alone and get annoyed with him. I don’t remember her ever saying anything to me about it. He later cheated on her and they’ve been divorced for years.

Anyway, I had a very abusive childhood, physical and horrendous psychological abuse mainly perpetrated by my mother, and about 10 years ago I confronted her about it, she admitted it but said I deserved it, refused to speak to me ever again and cut me, DH and my DC off as did siblings. At that time, one of things I brought up was my ex BILs behaviour and why nothing was done about it, having a teenage DD myself at that time it disgusted me. My mother described as harmless banter.

Sister had messaged me a few years ago saying she’ll try to forgive and forget for me upsetting our mother for bringing up the past and what I’d said about her ex. I said to the effect of you’re fucking joking, what do you need to forgive me for, I’m the one that needs to forgive you for letting your husband do what he did to me! She then blocked me.

Adult DD had recently tried to get in contact with her adult cousins, sister’s daughters, who have ignored her so she directly contacted my sister, her aunt, mostly because she was upset at not being invited to cousin’s wedding who she grew up with. Sister, DD’s aunt, ignored then blocked her.

AIBU to think sister is totally wrong to be angry at me, and by extension DD, for bringing up this behaviour which was allowed to go unchecked and my family of origin is completely fucked up?

Title edited by MNHQ to add a content warning

You're better off without them.

Your sister was also raised in an abusive home. She couldn't control her boyfriend or parents and isn't responsible for their behaviour.

She may have suffered repercussions of your argument and be holding that against you, though unfairly.

Be glad you've managed to escape the abusive dynamic, and encourage your DD to keep her distance for her own wellbeing.

No one in that family needs to be confronted with abuse from the past- they need to come to terms with it in their own time.

When your sister reached out to you, she was met with the anger and rage of the past. She wasn't going to be able to manage that.

I'm sorry for what you went through.

Fucking cheek! She's the one who married a nonce! And like hell would my dd be anywhere near any of them.

Is the ex BIL your sister's kids father?

If she's captured by your mother, keeping her sweet and staying on her good side is a survival strategy, not necessarily a deliberate choice.

Your family are horrible. Cut contact. You deserve better than these people.

Well as you say your family of origin is completely fucked up.

Your sister is older than you but for some reason couldn't/wouldn't get away from someone who sexually assaulted her younger sister.

You can't be surprised that she blocked you for blaming her for what her husband did?

You are unreasonable to believe that you can ‘reason with’ unreasonable people.

I wonder if your sister is afraid your DD will bring up your ex-BIL behaviour to their children and she is ‘protecting’ them? Either way you are so much better off without them in your life and so is your DD, she just doesn’t realise it yet.

@ChildOfALesserGod

Of course YANBU! You were a victim and were not protected by those who should have protected you.

But you need to understand that you have absolutely NO control over anyone other than yourself. Your sister and extended family are going to paint this situation in the way that makes them 'blameless' and there is nothing you can do about that.

What you can do something about is the way you react to it. You need to 'rest in your rightness' and let their 'wrongness' go. Don't give it headspace. If you are able to do this you'll find you have much more mental peace in your life. If you can't, remember you aren't hurting them by one jot by feeling as you do, they've already proven they don't give a shit about your feelings. You're only hurting yourself by even thinking about them. That's not to say to 'forgive and forget', not at all. It just means you need to create a 'mental box' in your head in which to put this, then slam the lid shut. Counseling can help if you're open to it.

As far as your DD goes, if she doesn't know the reason why, perhaps it's time to sit her down and explain just why you are NC with your family. You don't have to give the 'gory details', just explain that your family did not protect you from harm when you were young and needed protection. You really don't want her forming a relationship with them anyway, and she needs to know the reason why.

For FUCK'S sake if you are going to go into details of childhood sexual abuse comments made etc the LEAST you could do is add a trigger warning or a title that makes it clear. I didn't want to have to read that and have that in my brain in order to be able to report it. You're not the only one FFS.

DD is an adult and I cannot control who she looks up on SM. I’ve advised her not to but it’s just occasional curiosity I suppose. She doesn’t even live at home anymore. She told me as she was angry and pretty shocked about it which is understandable as they were a part of her life until she was late teens, big family get togethers which were on the surface for her nice memories. This cousin in particular she’d just been on holiday with before they cut us all off.

It’s her cousins, all adults, she wanted to keep contact with, not the rest of them. They’ve done nothing wrong to her, nor she to them.

Doesn’t help that my sisters post on SM family events saying all the family together again, whole family together, so lucky to be part of such a great family who care for each other so much etc. Hilariously delusional.

I don’t need any more therapy. I live with it happily enough and DD is living her life too. It’s still something you never forget though and it raises it’s ugly head at certain times like this which is quite natural.

YANBU X

She told me as she was angry and pretty shocked about it which is understandable as they were a part of her life until she was late teens,

So they are no longer part of her life (for how long?) but she still thought that she'd be invited to their wedding?

I hope rich nonce boy has aged badly, also your sister's sm posts are massively insensitive, yanbu about any if it

She was angry and shocked that my sister blocked her without responding not that she wasn’t invited to the wedding. She wanted an answer as to why her cousins had ignored the occasional messages she’d sent them trying to keep in touch over the years obviously due to sister’s influence.

I’m so sorry you had such an awful family who did nothing to protect you. My mother, on learning I’d been sexually abused by a family member, told me ( aged about 8 or 9 I think) that is was my fault, I’d probably started it. Wtaf. Women like your mother and mine shouldn’t be parents.

It’s awful they continue to discriminate against you and your dd but in all honesty you’re well rid of them. I’d encourage your dd to go no contact and you do the same. I felt it was the only way I escaped my family’s toxicity.

I am completely baffled and perplexed that your adult daughter wishes to have contact with them and is even upset that she’s not been invited to the wedding.

Forget this abusive family

but my goodness - address the issue with your daughter as to WHY she would pursue this

And who the heck pursues contact to find out why the heck they weren’t invited to a wedding. Rude to say the least! People can invite whomever they wish to their own wedding

What is your relationship like with your daughter OP? Honestly

That's awful! I have a daughter that age and can't ever imagine anyone in the family accepting that sort of behaviour towards her.
You were let down by everyone and the they blame you for mentioning it!

Hmm, I wonder if we can only fully understand things and empathise (especially when we are young) when we have lived experience.

My family of origin is a shit show and I am low to no contact. My 2 dd's fully understand, are realists and are protective of me but that could well be down to the fact that they have lived experience of their own as they are no longer in contact with their abusive father.

Had I been able to make the right choices in my life and recognise a decent life partner from a really bad one, and they'd grown up in a happy stable environment, they too might not fully understand me being no contact and may wish, out of curiosity, to have a relationship with cousins etc.

Is your DD aware of what your xBIL did to you? Is he your DDs cousins father?

You're right to be NC with them and DD ought to steer clear as well.

as they were a part of her life until she was late teens, big family get togethers

With your sister and BIL present?

Of course this is unreasonable. There could be all sorts of reasons why - guilt, denial etc - but it's not your job to sort it out. I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience and a shitty family. Understandably hard on your daughter to be disassociated form her family by association too. Be clear to her on the reasons - in this day and age there is absolutely no excuse to condone or dismiss child sexual abuse. Walk away and don't look back.