To pass my pessimism and cynicism on to my DC?

[Glassnearlyempty]

Since my teens I have been a pessimist. Prior, I was a happy, sporty and enthusiastic kid but it’s like all of that disappeared when I hit 15+ and I’ve been cynical, quite self-centred and a pessimist ever since. I have a dry sense of humour and am constantly sarcastic.

I was okay with this and somewhat accepting of my ‘personality’ until I had my DC who is now 1. They are a bundle of happiness, positivity, curiosity and JOY. I’ve started to worry that my own negativity will negatively affect them as they grow. My own DM also told me I need to watch it as it will “really impact DC”. I am very self-deprecating and I have noticed (upon reflection) that I have already begun to turn this onto DC. For example, someone might compliment their hair or their pronunciation of a word and I will respond by brushing it off or making a jokey comment.

I will be the first to admit that I have 0 self esteem. I don’t want this to be passed to DC. But I struggle to be positive at times, my default setting it negative it seems. AIBU to think that DC will be negatively affected by this? Has anyone grown up with a parent like this? What was the impact?

TIA.

Depends what your child's personality is like. You can't change your whole personality tbh, just be nice to them check your negativity and pessimism. You can surely pretend to be optimistic for a bit.

I definitely try to be as positive as possible when I am with DC, but am worried about how they will begin to pick up on more when they are older. I want them to be happy and positive.

Get Help! Yes this negative style will affect your child. My MIL was like you—it has damaged all four of her children. It has taken me 33 years to rewire my dh so that he doesn’t let the automatic wet blanket of negativity descend on him—well 10 years, certainly!

My MIL once spent a half hour discouraging us from taking the children to a zoo—she badmouthed everything—I asked her why she was doing it since we knew the zoo well and had been there before? She stopped in her ranting and sad sincerely “I didn’t want them (dc) to be disappointed.”

Her motives, such as they are, were good but the method was so damaging! She lived in a perpetual state of misery, warding off excitement and joy in her children for fear that they would suffer the greater loss of sadness at unmet expectations. Her father had abandoned her, btw, so this was a child’s resolve not to get taken in again.

I suggest you read “Raising the Optimistic Child” and also try some Mindful Self Compassion as a daily practice. Snd for god’s sake when someone compliments your child just say “Yes, thanks, we love his hair/style/curiosity , gap teeth” or whatever.

The way your dc hear you speak to them will become how they speak to themselves, so yes, I think constant negativity isn't ideal. We ideally want to leave our dc feeling that they are loveable and that the world is a safe place.

Do you get them same urge to bat back compliments about your dc as you do about yourself?

Have you ever thought about therapy to work through why you feel so bad about yourself?

I will definitely be getting a copy of that! Thank you. This is exactly what I don’t my baby to feel as they grow.

Did something formative happen to you at 15? Why do you have no self-esteem?

If you want to change, you can. You might not be able to alter your underlying personality but you can certainly train yourself to recognise negative unhelpful thought patterns and choose positive statements instead. How we talk to ourselves is very powerful.

I had a bout of depression in my teen years that meant I was on tablets to help for a few years, I never had or was offered counselling. I actually thought it was a very ‘American thing’ until recently. My family are very positive and happy people but also believe that you should push through problems with a smile and without complaint. It’s admirable, but I just couldn’t do it. I stopped the tablets around 20 but never recovered the positive outlook I had prior to the depression. I am definitely going to look in to counselling though.

Yes, I am exactly the same if people compliment me. It’s silly but I always worry people may think I’m big-headed if I just accept the compliment and say “thank you”. I want DC to be optimistic and confident as they grow and become an optimistic, confident adult.

@NoSquirrels

Not a particular event. I struggled a lot with puberty and body changes. I was very sporty prior - cross country, swimming and netball. I become very self conscious that I put weight on and stopped taking part in all of my previous hobbies. Most of my friends were through these sports so I sort of drifted away from those groups and became a bit of a loner. I gained more weight from comfort eating and felt like a total failure.

I have a real feeling that I didn’t live up to my potential and am a disappointment. My family have never ever implied this but I can’t shake that feeling no matter how much reassurance I get.

You are your child's inner voice. Parental praise and positivity are so important. Also practising self praise - sounds silly but your child models you.
Have a look at the incredible years book. I'm listening to it again as an audio book and have just finished chapter on praise

You can change! I'm a cynic and so negative about myself but not about Dc.

Let your dc teach you! The world is amazing and young children are fascinated by a stone, a flower, a bird. Find that positivity in yourself. Let her show you and you show her in return too.
Your Dd is wonderful so help her to have good self esteem.
Teach her to achieve things and be proud. Even tidy up her toys and helping with chores is a 'well done! You worked hard at that and now it's much better' moment.
If someone praises her, just smile and say 'Thank you'. Show her how to receive compliments graciously.

Both my parents are like this. I’m a generally positive person but I find there negatively has taken a lifetime to shake off. I also
find it very difficult to be positive around them as they’re not interested in positive conversations. Please don’t pass it on to your children. I value the upbeat people in my life because the shadow of my parents’ negativity is so heavy.

*their negativity

I would recommend Tony Robbins and les brown. They have books but you can listen to them on YouTube as well. Tony Robbins awaken the giant within is really good.

Google brene brown as well—she has lovely youtubes about shame. She is very witty as well. Also Alison Neff’s book on mindful self compassion is quite good. Its not at all goopy or jargony.