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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to re-enroll DD in her old school?

54 replies

cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 08:20

I switched DD to a different primary school after reception as it's in a more convenient location - 5 min away vs 30 min - but it's been a week and I'm not so sure!

Her old school was quite small, everyone knew everyone and if there was a new student/parent they would be introduced. Lots of play dates and birthday parties and school events. It was just really welcoming and nice.

This school is very big, DD says she still doesn't know anyone's name because she hasn't been told. Parents are just in and out in a huge crowd to collect their kids and chatting in lots of groups of 2 or 3, not really an easy time to chat or introduce myself. I did ask someone if there was a class messaging group and was told 'I don't know' in not a very friendly way.

I went a bit early and saw some of the parents drinking in the pub next door and tried to kind of smile at them but they blanked me.

DD was crying saying she wanted to go back to her old school, and when I told them she was leaving I got so many messages from parents...I know it's only been a week but WIBU to ignore the 2 hour round trip journey and apply for her to go back after Christmas?

DH thinks now we've moved her she should stay where she is, but I know friends who have employed the same logic and made their kids unnecessarily miserable. But I'm also meant to go back to work and the shorter commute would be really helpful. Gah I don't know.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 09/09/2023 09:31

Good point. If you appealed “until you got it”, there won’t be any chance if her getting back in. So, you should probably just forget it and accept that what’s done is done.

Wallywobbles · 09/09/2023 09:32

I moved DCs from village to one 2 mins from work. Both worked fine.

Then we all moved and we live an hour away from school/work. In terms of friends it's shit for the kids who didn't get a chance to make friends where we actually live.

So I'd say stick with it. And don't throw up the option of moving back to DD as then she'll never settle.

nicknamehelp · 09/09/2023 09:32

I think she's picking up on your feelings. It's been a week give it time how many party/play date invites would you expect in a week....I bet by half term she is fully settled with friends and forgotten old school.
I would also try not to stress about yourself making friends and just let it develop as I'm sure it will. But remember don't rely on school parents to become your social circle

CupOfCoffeePlease · 09/09/2023 09:33
  • we've sat in the pub before. I hardly ever go into pubs but there's one near the school. We all were drinking soft drinks of tea tbh.

However I remember when I had littlies there was a huge double standard about this even on mn. Council house area - men with a beer was A Bad Thing.

Naice NCT Group having a tipple at a birthday party seemed almost normal...

BelindaBears · 09/09/2023 09:36

It’s been a week. The old school is unlikely to still have a place for her. A 30 minute drive is ridiculous for primary school when you have other options, if it was a 30 minute walk that would be fine but the old school is clearly miles away.

Whattodo112222 · 09/09/2023 09:39

I feel after reading this you just moved your DD based on what was best for you. Now you want to move her back! How completely disruptive for her.
It's only been one week.
Maybe just put her needs first before yours!

Original poster
cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 09:44

Whattodo112222 · 09/09/2023 09:39

I feel after reading this you just moved your DD based on what was best for you. Now you want to move her back! How completely disruptive for her.
It's only been one week.
Maybe just put her needs first before yours!

Of course it's for her, I'm not the one going to the school. If it were up to me I would be in and out, but I want her to be part of the community.

OP posts:
Original poster
cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 09:44

BelindaBears · 09/09/2023 09:36

It’s been a week. The old school is unlikely to still have a place for her. A 30 minute drive is ridiculous for primary school when you have other options, if it was a 30 minute walk that would be fine but the old school is clearly miles away.

It is a 30 min walk

OP posts:
Bigbus · 09/09/2023 09:45

My children went to a primary school 30 minutes walk away because there was no space for DD1 in the nearest school and then we just carried on with them all going to the further school. It was a good school but looking back they did suffer a bit from being so far away from the rest of their classmates. Play dates were so much harder and fewer than if they’d been close by. Even things like bumping into classmates at the local park never happened. Luckily it was 30 minutes walk not drive so they were able to come home alone as they got older and they could go and meet friends independently when they were in yr6 but I think friendships for your DD will be much easier if the school is closer.

YourNameGoesHere · 09/09/2023 09:48

cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 09:44

It is a 30 min walk

Show quote history

This makes the whole thing so much more bonkers. A 30 minute walk at 4 isn't even that far away. It seems madness you made such a fuss in appealing and choosing the school to begin with to then move and now want to move back.

LittleMonks11 · 09/09/2023 09:49

I'm sure she (and you) will settle soon. Also think about when it comes to DD walking in to school by herself in around year 5/6 - do you want her walking in her own for 30 mins or 5 mins? Try to find one parent to connect with - scope them out at pick up and drop off - and go from there. I'm sure it'll come right as term progresses. Try to hide your worries from DD so her confidence can build.

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/09/2023 09:52

If it was difficult for you to get her into the other school, it will be difficult, if not impossible now. If you apply for her to go back after Christmas, that’ll be another disruption and although people were sad to see her go, they’ll all have moved on and she’d have to fit in all over again.

You say the move is for her, but it’s also to help you with the travel. It’s been a week, there’s a big difference between a small school where everyone knows each other and a big one. Why not have a word with the teacher and ask for some support in helping her get to know her classmates.

ZadocPDederick · 09/09/2023 09:53

YourNameGoesHere · 09/09/2023 09:48

This makes the whole thing so much more bonkers. A 30 minute walk at 4 isn't even that far away. It seems madness you made such a fuss in appealing and choosing the school to begin with to then move and now want to move back.

Show quote history

This, to be honest.

I certainly wouldn't normally advocate unnecessary driving, but did you look into that as a means of managing the school run together with the journey to work?

Whinge · 09/09/2023 09:53

cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 09:44

Of course it's for her, I'm not the one going to the school. If it were up to me I would be in and out, but I want her to be part of the community.

Show quote history

It's only been a week, she will become part of the community but these things take a little bit of time. Like other posters I think you need to seperate your issues and hers, as your post seems to focus a lot on you and the difference in how you're being treated by the parents at the 2 schools.

not really an easy time to chat or introduce myself

I did ask someone if there was a class messaging group and was told 'I don't know' in not a very friendly way.

I went a bit early and saw some of the parents drinking in the pub next door and tried to kind of smile at them but they blanked me.

when I told them she was leaving I got so many messages from parents

Nottogetapenny · 09/09/2023 09:55

My grandson had to change schools after reception class, due to house move. He loved his old school and had lots of friends. He couldn’t get into first or second choice in new area as it was oversubscribed. He had to take a third choice, and this was a drive of 20 mins. Being in catchment of the first choice school a place became available, after a term, after debating my daughter in law took the decision to move him again. This happened a year ago. He has settled really well, after a few months of being a little unsettled. He loves his new school and has lots of friends.

BrutusMcDogface · 09/09/2023 09:55

Eh? It’s a 30 minute walk? I assumed drive.

Nevermind31 · 09/09/2023 09:59

You need to give it some time. She will make a friend, you will get to know the parent… but it does take time. Wait a few months.
although… why did Ty appeal to get into the other school, only to move her?

EarringsandLipstick · 09/09/2023 09:59

BrutusMcDogface · 09/09/2023 09:55

Eh? It’s a 30 minute walk? I assumed drive.

Same - why did this alone influence your move to such an extent?

Original poster
cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 09:59

Whinge · 09/09/2023 09:53

It's only been a week, she will become part of the community but these things take a little bit of time. Like other posters I think you need to seperate your issues and hers, as your post seems to focus a lot on you and the difference in how you're being treated by the parents at the 2 schools.

not really an easy time to chat or introduce myself

I did ask someone if there was a class messaging group and was told 'I don't know' in not a very friendly way.

I went a bit early and saw some of the parents drinking in the pub next door and tried to kind of smile at them but they blanked me.

when I told them she was leaving I got so many messages from parents

Show quote history

Yeah, these are examples I've experienced of the difference in environment. It doesn't make a difference to me, it's an illustration of the feeling of the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 10:00

Nevermind31 · 09/09/2023 09:59

You need to give it some time. She will make a friend, you will get to know the parent… but it does take time. Wait a few months.
although… why did Ty appeal to get into the other school, only to move her?

Thanks, we'll wait a few months and I'll see how it goes with her in terms of friends, teacher etc.

OP posts:
NoAprilFool · 09/09/2023 10:02

FromEden · 09/09/2023 09:28

Am I the only one who is bit 😱 about the parents drinking in the pub before pick up? I mean, I'm hardly teetotal but that seems a bit weird. Or maybe it's just that I live in the US and if I was seen doing that some busy body parent would probably call CPS.

But I wouldn't stress OP, it's the first week. Shes 5 and will make friends and then you'll be invited to all sorts of things.

I would be a bit 😱 too, but we don’t know what they were drinking. Might have been coffee!

Whinge · 09/09/2023 10:08

Yeah, these are examples I've experienced of the difference in environment. It doesn't make a difference to me, it's an illustration of the feeling of the school.

It's ok that you're missing the friendships of the previous parents and wish the new parents would include you in their chats, but the parent's behaviour doesnt affect your daughter and isn't a reflection of the school. She will make friends, be invited to parties and have lots of lovely school experiences but these don't happen in the first week. I think you need to forget about moving her back, although it doesn't actually sound like it would be possible even if you wanted to. Going forward you need to accept that this is her school now, and stop comparing it to the previous one.

DixonD · 09/09/2023 10:09

I chose a school five miles away over one just up the road for the same reasons as you - it’s a small rural school and there’s only 12 children in my child’s class. It’s really lovely. The drive is about 15 minutes each way but I don’t give it a second thought - her happiness is paramount and she is absolutely happy there. She’s in her third year now and she has never once said she doesn’t want to go in.

In your position, I wouldn’t have moved her in the first place. I think now you’ll have to give it some time, although I know how you feel as I would want to move her back too!

FUPAgirl · 09/09/2023 10:15

Gosh no way would I have moved her. I cannot believe that you fought so hard for her place in the first school, only to move her a year later. Madness! I am sure the school staff couldn't believe it. Obviously you won't ever get her back in there so you need to just give it time and focus on the reasons you had for moving her in the first place.

Original poster
cadburytiffin · 09/09/2023 10:16

DixonD · 09/09/2023 10:09

I chose a school five miles away over one just up the road for the same reasons as you - it’s a small rural school and there’s only 12 children in my child’s class. It’s really lovely. The drive is about 15 minutes each way but I don’t give it a second thought - her happiness is paramount and she is absolutely happy there. She’s in her third year now and she has never once said she doesn’t want to go in.

In your position, I wouldn’t have moved her in the first place. I think now you’ll have to give it some time, although I know how you feel as I would want to move her back too!

I really feel like an idiot moving her! I think it was just all the conversations I was having with people around me, oh you're going back to work how will you be able to do the drop-offs, the local school would be so much easier and she'll have friends down the road as opposed to further away, the local school has bigger premises and a bigger playground...it all just seemed like a good idea at the time. It's not like DD is desperately unhappy, she was really hysterical going in yesterday but I know it'll pass. It's more just that I feel I've made the wrong decision for her. We'll wait and see how it goes.

OP posts: