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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone has no affection in their relationship

22 replies

Lockeddownagain · 09/09/2023 07:37

This is the state of things for me qfter 15years od cuddling to sleep ,, kissing on the way out the door etc etc it's qll stopped. It's been a terrible year and if decided I can't leave I can't leave my daughter for 50% of her life but the withdrawn of even a goodnight handhold is literally destroying me.
Does anyone else live like this. How do you manage
No.point in saying leave I can't leave my daughter

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 09/09/2023 07:39

Have you asked why ? Have you discussed marriage counselling ?

DustyLee123 · 09/09/2023 07:41

And I’d suggest you make sure you are ok financially etc if you were to find the relationship ended, as it could be your partner that leaves.

ConnieTucker · 09/09/2023 07:42

My dh has never been affectionate. And yes that is frustrating. BUT with your dh it is a sudden change of behaviour. That’s the issue. That’s what you need to be asking about. Why the sudden change of behaviour?

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 09/09/2023 07:43

Just talk to him about it and tell him how you feel

EverybodyLTB · 09/09/2023 07:45

Are you absolutely sure that separation would mean that you leave? And are you absolutely sure that your child would be with them 50/50? I was in a shitty marriage, and me and my kids are in the family home and do not stay with their dad. It may not be as black and white as you think. You deserve to be loved, and as it’s him that’s withdrawn all affection, you may find yourself with less choice as time goes on.

Original poster

Lockeddownagain · 09/09/2023 07:47

Sudden change is to do with editing he doesn't just want me in his life he's never had friends really and this year he decided he wanted them so he removed me from his what pp pic he stopped.calling at lunch after doing it everyday for 16years so he could hang out with people at lunch he started going out with work people once a wek and stoped going walks with us on Sundays he even thought it was sensible to start texting a single colleague at 11pm.
I didn't change and I got the blame.
Sex.lifes always been crap

OP posts:

Original poster

Lockeddownagain · 09/09/2023 07:48

Editing = deciding sorry.

OP posts:

boobot1 · 09/09/2023 07:50

Is the single colleague hes texting a woman?

Original poster

Lockeddownagain · 09/09/2023 07:52

Of course it is.
Only reason it stopped is cos I told them both I knew about it she was totally surprised that I thought it was a problem

OP posts:

boobot1 · 09/09/2023 08:04

Well, theres your answer! You may have no say in if you split or not. Op this is a terrible way to live, Im so sorry. My advice would be to prepare for the worst and have a plan in place. Protect yourself as much as possible. If you dont have a job, maybe start looking. Have a look at what you are entitled to and what housing options would be available to you. Hes checked out. In my opinion its only a matter of time. Please look after yourself, you deserve so much more.

Original poster

Lockeddownagain · 09/09/2023 08:06

They aren't having an affair. But him doing something like that definitely shows there was an issue
So am I right in thinking you all think I should leave first and become a 50% parent

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 09/09/2023 08:11

It’s not up to faceless people on the internet as to whether you leave or not, you need to decide what you can tolerate in you relationship. But you need to see that you not wanting to leave won’t mean you see your kids 100% of the time, he could leave you so you get 50%. It’s not only your choice.

EverybodyLTB · 09/09/2023 08:12

Again, where are you getting this 50/50 from? My EXH went from demanding I leave the family home and he keep the kids, to me staying in the family home and him not seeing them. What is indicating that your partner would want or be able to facilitate 50/50 childcare? What’s the financial situation re house etc, are you married? Do you work? How old is your child?

Dashel · 09/09/2023 08:13

Are you in a position to leave?

If you aren’t I would concentrate on getting ready to split as it sounds like it’s only a matter of time before he wants a divorce or is having an affair.

I would not tell him but I would see a solicitor for advice and if you have any debt in your name I would get it cleared. Are you working?

Do you have a bank account in your name only?

Can you talk to your parents/ family a friend for support?

Original poster

Lockeddownagain · 09/09/2023 08:14

I've done all of the above 💞

OP posts:

Userengage · 09/09/2023 08:19

50/50 is not guaranteed, not every seemingly hands-on father wants to have their DC half the time, even less so the ones who threaten you with it.

He has checked out, do you really want so little for yourself?

ConnieTucker · 09/09/2023 08:20

he even thought it was sensible to start texting a single colleague at 11pm
So you do know why.

he has switched off from the children too. What makes you think he will want to be responsible for them 50/50?

does he do half the school runs already?

boobot1 · 09/09/2023 08:23

If he starts a new relationship I doubt you will need to worry about 50/50.

AtalantaX · 09/09/2023 08:31

My ex took me to court supposedly attempting to gain full residency of the children, however he actually just enjoyed playing the victim and thinking he was stressing me out as what he actually wanted was one 24hr a fortnight and one 4 hr a fortnight. No extra in holidays etc.
Life is too damn short to put up with unpleasant partners.

NalafromtheLionKing · 09/09/2023 08:35

Sorry OP but his head has been turned even if he isn’t having a full physical affair yet

Polecat07 · 09/09/2023 09:06

So he has completely checked out of the relationship and withdrawn from you and this just happened to occur around the same time he was caught messaging a single female work colleague, you said you've had a crap sex life....but they're not having an affair 🤔 I would bet every penny I have that he's cheated, and that he won't be a 50% custody dad if you split.

Original poster

Lockeddownagain · 09/09/2023 16:24

He definitely will be he is a full on dad which is what worries me so much he dotes on our children so will not want not to see them
sex life is crap for various reasons
He's not cheated he would have told me by now .
Head was definitely turned

OP posts:

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