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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel like I’m being judged

17 replies

Yesnoyesnoo · 08/09/2023 21:40

My DD turned 4 recently. I found out I was pregnant with her when I turned 21 and I’m 25 now I but do look younger. I’ve always been told I look younger than my age. She started school recently and I feel like I’m being judged, just feel like I’m getting strange looks by the other mums. I feel quite awkward when dropping her off and picking her up from school, all the other mums seem to be in groups chatting and know each other. I try and smile but nobody seems to smile back at me. I don’t have many friends who are parents and I just feel a bit lonely and don’t have anybody that I relate too

OP posts:

WhateverMate · 08/09/2023 21:42

And you're putting it down to you looking younger than your age?

Look around MN, there are tonnes of threads where mums are saying they feel like they don't fit in at the school gate.

WitteringawayatWestWitteringBay · 08/09/2023 21:49

The school playground can be a very unwelcoming place unfortunately!

Lesina · 08/09/2023 21:50

People are dicks. Don’t let it bother you. Head high, middle finger higher. Stand tall and proud :)

Original poster

Yesnoyesnoo · 08/09/2023 21:51

I’m not sure if it’s because I look younger than my age but most of the mums are older than me and already in groups and seem to know each other, also with older children attending the school

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 08/09/2023 21:52

I was you 25ish years ago, you just have to take deep breaths and say hello to people and concentrate on your dd these things evolve and you will eventually make parent friends or at least a group you can chat to.

Original poster

Yesnoyesnoo · 08/09/2023 21:54

Also I have moved from a different town and haven’t lived here very long

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 08/09/2023 21:55

I'm also 5ft so at 25/6 I .probably looked like a teenager to some of the parents but I did make friends it's early in the term try and nor let it worry you.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2023 21:55

Op, the sooner you embrace not giving a fuck about people who don't matter, the happier you'll be. Sadly, far too many women don't figure this out until their 40's or 50's. These other women just don't matter. If they judge you over essentially nothing, you don't want them as friends anyway.

Original poster

Yesnoyesnoo · 08/09/2023 21:56

@Mrsjayy thank you. I’m sure I will get used to it all. Just feels a bit over whelming in a morning. I do suffer from anxiety too so that doesn’t help. I am also that height!

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 08/09/2023 21:57

You are being judged. Susie Smith the teacher is being judged. The lady with the 4 kids is being judged. The kid with the 145 IQ is being judged. That beautiful woman over there is being judged. That quiet man who brings his kids to school is being judged.

We all judge and get judged. The answer is to not let our imaginations get in our way and get carried away by what we think people are judging us for — they don’t know us and we don’t know them. Yet we all judge.

If you want to be included in a conversation, you’ve got to gather up your courage (and it does take courage) and join in. Just say hello, or g’morning or ask a question. Of course, there will be those who will exclude you — but there will be somebody who’s welcoming and kind. I can just about guarantee it. You just have to try. Those gals in that group can’t read your mind that you want to join in, and who knows? They might be thinking that you’re stand-offish. You don’t know because you don’t know what they’re thinking, either.

Be brave. Say hello. Tell them you’re new and ask about the PTA or pick up or the schedule or anything you might have in common with them.
Good luck - you’ll be grand.

Mrsjayy · 08/09/2023 21:57

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2023 21:55

This just concentrate on your child she will make friends and hopefully you can get on OK with their mums.

Mrsjayy · 08/09/2023 21:59

Yesnoyesnoo · 08/09/2023 21:56

@Mrsjayy thank you. I’m sure I will get used to it all. Just feels a bit over whelming in a morning. I do suffer from anxiety too so that doesn’t help. I am also that height!

Yeah it can all be a bit much deep breaths for Monday say hi to people and just walk on. It's a fake it till you make it thing.

Lapsedvegan · 08/09/2023 21:59

I had DS at 23 and he went to school in what I would consider to be quite an 'aspirational' area as in people moved in to be near the outstanding primary school. Tbh, I did make friends, mainly DS's friends' mums, although I did feel like you at first. Once your DC establishes a friendship group it will break the ice with the other parents. You'll be fine! I actually only felt properly judged by teachers and health care professionals over the years ( although that got better as I got older- maybe I aged really badly lol). DS now 22 and graduated last year (still a little bit defensive...). I still think, in retrospect, that being a younger mum is fab

NamaraMc · 08/09/2023 21:59

Almost everyone has some kind of insecurity.
Lots of mums will be feeling old at the school gate having waited til much later to have a baby.
None of it matters.
We all have a lot more in common than differences really.
Just stand beside anyone on their own and say something generic about how well they are settling in or anything related to schooling to keep it easy.
Ask if it's their first child to go school, if it is share your thoughts/nerves/relief. If they have kids in school already ask a question you are wondering about schooling.
It won't be a deep and meaningful conversation but it's a good start to feeling comfortable.
Then you can work up to more useful conversations.
School gate is a good opportunity to chat, you all have a child same stage in common, regardless of all other perceived differences between you.

mumsofdragons · 08/09/2023 22:03

The same thing thing happened to me about 10 years ago, when my eldest was in nursery. Still does when I take all 4 children out, people always comment 'oh you don't look old enough to have for kids'.

They're the ones with the problem, don't even let it bother you, because now I'm in my 30's and I still get ID'd while their old and wrinkly - I've had the last laugh 🤣👌🏽

Original poster

Yesnoyesnoo · 08/09/2023 22:13

Thank you everyone. I feel as though everybody else is with others and it’s just me stood by myself and I feel like maybe I look awkward. I’m not a very confident person but I am friendly and do try and smile at people in the playground but seems like they look through me.

It just feels so different to nursery drop offs. Some of the mums there were friendly and would chat to me or say hello but none of my daughters friends from nursery have come to this school as there is a school closer to the nursery but it’s not quite in our catchment area so it’s all new. My daughter has been telling me about her new friends so I know that is the most important thing

OP posts:

Mariposista · 08/09/2023 22:13

Seriously OP, the school gate is not the place to make friends. Full of boring, cliquey women who mastermind their kids' friendships and backstab. Drop your kid off, and head off to work with your head high. There are plenty of better ways to make friends in your new town.

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