Am I a needy loser? Chronically ill, and disabled sibling

[notasimportant]

Not sure quite how to word it. Overshadow isn't really the right term, but I had health issues that were overshadowed by my sibling's disability. To an extent I do totally understand how the more urgently needy child is going to get the parental focus.

My illness was type 1 diabetes and I was very lucky as a child that another relative who lived with me looked after me as my mum and stepfather focused on sibling who is very bright but has very challenging learning disabilities.

My health started breaking down in my 20's from diabetes and I had quite a lot of medical issues to cope with and then I became depressed and anxious. Sometimes my mum was great at emotional support down the phone a few times a week. Other times she was quite cold and dismissive, at one point telling me I needed to get married instead of expecting her to chat with me so often. I was then diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago.

My mum died recently and explained to me that she couldn't cope with my health on top of everything. I feel weird about this and a bit sad and also guilty for having put pressure on her when I was young and not coping.

I feel a bit of a loser that I couldn't just cope independently and needed a lot of parental support in my 20's I didn't get tbh.

Was it just me being rather shit at life as a young person? How do I let go of the guilt?

The guilt from my poor mum having such a lot on her plate I mean. I think she desperately hoped I'd be the high flying one!

I should add my life is perfectly ok now I'm much older. Still not a high flyer though!

You've nothing to feel guilty about. It was a bad situation to be in and such a shame that your mum didn't have the emotional bandwidth for you both.

It can happen in a home where a child has disabilities. 💐

I think what is needed is some counselling to come to terms with your needs not having been met. It sounds like your parents had a lot on their plate but I’m sure that doesn’t salve the hurt of your inner child.

It is totally normal for people in their early 20s to need support from their parents, especially if they are experiencing health issues.

Your mothers inability to have the emotional capacity for the children she had, is not something that is your fault. She was the mother and you were the child in this situation. You weren’t too much, she was not enough.

From what you have said about when you were young, she clearly wasn’t able to handle it from a younger age than you being in your 20s. This is not your fault.

I had many difficult traumas in my family whilst growing up, my father was absent and my mother was very emotionally unavailable which meant many things were missed. One of the best things I’ve ever learnt is the phrase ‘everyone is guilt, no one is to blame’. Which for me means that I see my parents parts in what happened whilst I was growing up and their inabilities but I don’t have to spend my life being angry and bitter.

I also spent a long time in therapy learning to stop blaming myself for everyone else’s shortcomings. It is a completely normal thing to rely on family in your times of need regardless of age. Please do not put the blame on yourself. I would really urge you, if you are financially able to maybe try and do some therapy around these things.

It was your mum's job to support both her children throughout whatever challenges they have, not ignore one because the other took up too much time and energy. And it's perfectly normal to still need your parents in your twenties. By all means, forgive your mother if that gives you peace, but stop blaming yourself for things that were beyond your control. This was not your fault.

I also think we all always need support from our family. Or if not need but benefit from. Im in my mid 30s. I think the support is now 50/50 and I can see the balance will change soon to me supporting my parents.

I don't think this situation was anyone's fault. It's a sad situation as mothers aren't robots and only have so much to give. Some mothers have more capacity to give emotional support compared to others for various reasons, whether it is being a caregiver to another child, being a victim of abuse in childhood, having mental health issues etc. Sometimes it's a combination of factors.

In the end, there is no point in holding any resentment towards your mother OR feeling guilt for seeking support from her. In an ideal world, every child would have lifetime support from their parents to call upon when they wish. You aren't alone in lacking support, and you aren't unreasonable for wishing you had it. But what is there to gain from dissecting the past at this point?

I don't resent my mum. It makes me sad in a way though but not a massive deal.

I think I resent the overall situation a bit though.

I love my sib absolutely and will try my best to watch out for them after my stepdad passes away which is hopefully not for a long time.

I developed health issues in my 20s and needed to lean on my parents; your early twenties are still extremely young, you haven't had much practice at being an adult and your first time having serious medical issues is a big deal at any age.

My parents also failed me; they asked me not to talk about it because it was too difficult for them. They had just retired very early and were full of the joys of freedom, and I was raining on their parade.

I wasn't a needy loser, and neither were you.

Sorry posted too soon. Hopefully my stepdad lives to a ripe old age but when the time comes if I outlive him I will be looking out for my sib who I am very protective of.

Sibling will inherit family home one day which is right and proper don't get me wrong. They have lived there their whole lives and it is all they know.

Due to my health as diabetes causes quite serious kidney problems etc I can only work part time. I don't have children due to kidneys too which has been a source of grief for me. Fortunately I'm in a loving marriage where I am supported and don't have to worry about money.

I suppose part of me feels a little vulnerable as I am a dependent in my marriage and that realistically does make me vulnerable in a way if tragedy struck and I was left a widow for example.

It bothers me that my parents never seemed to even see any hint of the aspects of my health that could cause me to be in a bad way.

It is jarring to see how much care goes into making sure sibling will be ok. There didn't seem to be the same thoughtfulness for me.

There is a phrase called Glass sibling, it’s basically a term used to describe the challenges faced by siblings of children with disabilities or chronic illnesses. They are often overlooked or seen through. Obviously your sibling’s issues at the time seemed more pressing to your mother and step father and you were the collateral damage of that.

I’m really sorry for your experience and it sounds like working through some of this in a therapeutic setting might be beneficial for you.

I've heard of the glass sibling before. I had mistakenly thought it only applied to healthy siblings though!

It often can relate to healthy siblings but my friend who also had health and mental health issues but had a brother who was very sick as a child relates to the term as well. It’s more about the damage that feeling unseen because of another sibling’s illness or disability affects how you grow up.

That's interesting, I must rad up on it.

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You are not being unreasonable at all... I’m a 34 year old woman, I have one sibling who’s disabled. It started daunting on me as I’ve gotten older just how different my life is to my peers, and how unseen siblings are. The guilt of not wanting to put any more pressure on your parents at times when you need help, the continuous worry of your siblings needs and additional responsibilities others don’t have. It’s a really hard pill to swallow. I suffer awful depression and anxiety and have to try and hold it together, there’s very little support for siblings but I did find a website called sibs which makes me feel less alone with it all, you should check it out it may help. I can 100%. Empathise with you, it’s so hard when others are clueless to what your life entails having a disabled sibling x