Is my friend being unreasonable- ex

[fatherliamdeliverance]

This is posting completely out of interest. I'm not planning to take any action or say anything I am just genuinely interested what others thing.

I met a man 5-6 years ago, 'Tony' online. We dated for a bit, didn't work out (huge cultural and personality differences). We have remained close friends and I can say he is one of my most supportive and best friends. He says the same about me. He has met my now partner who knows how we met. All fine.

Tony has been single since really except a bit of dating. He has now met 'Jane' and it seems to be going well. They come from the same conservative culture and Jane has said one of her deal breakers is partners staying in touch with exes. Tony likes her a lot so far but wants to stay in touch with me as friends.

We live quite far apart and see each other a few times a year usually now with my DP. We text quite regularly but I had noticed this had eased off a bit which is fine.

I said that maybe she would make an exception as we did meet that way but soon realised we were a better fit as friends and have no unfinished business at all or romantic interest. Tony said she is black and white about it, even a previous date would be out. He says this is mostly cultural.

He suggested telling her who I am etc, meeting in time, but just saying we met another way and not mentioning that we dated. It was a funny relationship. He met my friends and family but in a large part because we got on so well as friends, we were just sort of dating because of how we met.

I would be very sad to lose him. I would not like him to lose an opportunity with a woman he gets on well with. I also would be uncomfortable either lying or being the subject of a lie that is against her deal breaker.

Obviously it is his business. I haven't been asked to meet her or anything yet so am not involving myself.

But out of interest, Is He Being Unreasonable?

I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn’t tolerate any partner dictating to me who I’m friends with, male or female. It’s controlling, smacks of huge insecurity, and a gigantic red flag.

I think he’s being a wet lettuce.

We had a man on here only yesterday, pretty much asking just that question OP. She's obviously trying to control him, and regardless of cultural differences, it's a clear sign that she feels threatened by ex's. I think he should tell her the truth, and if she's not happy about it, she's not the right one for him, no matter how well they get on, as they clearly have a different outlooks on things. Him lying to her and expecting you to do it too, is wrong on every level, and of course if the truth ever came out, she'd know him to be a liar and likely dump him anyway. Far better to know the truth now, and see how things go, rather than them be together for years, maybe even get married, and then it all comes out and it's heartbreak all round.

I would go along with the lie- mainly so I could stay in touch and keep an eye on him as this progresses as she sounds really controlling

HIBNU, but personally i wouldn't be able for lying. So i wouldn't agree to that.

Tony should put his big boy pants on and tell her to stop attempting to control him

For what it's worth I too think he should explain and assure her there is nothing but friendship there.

I think he doesn't want to risk putting her off as, whilst he is a lovely bloke, he hasn't had much success with women and she does seem a real catch.

I agree that putting a lie out there could do so much more damage than saying 'I actually have got a good friend I met that way. We don't see each other every day and have both very much moved on. I respect your general view but wondered how you felt about an exception '.

Just to add because I would bet my house on Tony never coming on MN, the suggested explanation of how we know one another would be sticking to the main facts, we met in a bar one night and got chatting, but glossing over the rest.

I hope he doesn't decide to drop me as a friend. That would be very upsetting as he does mean a lot to me. I'm someone with a small number of very close friends, not dozens so it would be a loss.

To be fair to Jane, their culture is one which doesn't really have mixed sex friendships traditionally and women do not spend time unchaperoned with unrelated men traditionally. I doubt she is anywhere near that level but I suppose this hasn't just come from her.

OP, I've been you in the last.
Please take it from me and let him go. Your friendship with him will fade and he needs to move on too.

It just all feels so unnecessary to have such a blanket rule!