This is a bit rude/thoughtless of DH

[Tacocatgoatcheesepizza]

DH is off work today. There was something (that I won’t detail because it’s outing and doesn’t matter) that he might have had to do today that would have meant he was away but it was decided that he didn’t need to. So he was going to collect ds from school and do a bbq for tea.

Mid morning I got a text saying he had to go after all. Now, that is actually no problem, it is absolutely right and fine that he went anyway. What irks me is that his text literally said just that. Going after all x If it was me I would have added something like sorry I can’t pick ds up, or sorry I won’t be able to do the bbq, something, ANYTHING, that acknowledges that it affects my plans too.

Aibu to think this is a rude way to let me know? It’s been bugging me all day. It’s not the first time either. It’s usually work related because he is the breadwinner and I work p/t so I think he’s maybe just got used to his time being the priority if that’s makes sense.

YABU, a bit - it's a text. A wider issue if you think he doesn't value your time as much as his.

I guess it is a little bit thoughtless - what did you say when he sent it? Our conversation would go along the lines of

Going after all x
Oh! No BBQ i guess! Am I picking up DS then?
Sorry - will make it up to you xx
…

I said ‘what sort of time do you think you’ll be back? Not in time to collect ds I assume!!’
And he just said ‘about 8.’

YANBU. Clearly you're the default parent - always there to backstop him.

Yeah he thinks children are your responsibility

I hear you. It's presumptuous of him, yes.

Agree that I would personally say “sorry can’t pick X up as need to do X after all, are you ok to pick Ds zip?”

and I would expect the same back. It’s not about the wording, it’s about the intent. Acknowledging that they’ve changed their plans which will now have an impact on you, it’s not even that it requires an apology, just some acknowledgment that by changing his plans, you have to change yours.

I agree, I’d be a bit irked if this was a pattern. As a one off I’d assume he was just busy and not thinking (my DP can be a bit like that BUT he is actually extremely supportive, fair and equally responsible for kids and general life admin - so I don’t take offence)

Yes it’s the assumption that it will be fine that bugs me. He said he wasn’t going and I planned accordingly. If the situation had been reversed I would have been making 100% sure it was ok for the him to pick ds up before I agreed to anything else.

He can change his plans at the drop of a hat because you’re the default parent and his safety net.

You should've called his bluff and said you'd made plans now, so what was he going to do about picking up DS.

YANBU. It's rude, especially the reply about being back at 8 - no acknowledgment that now you will need to collect DS and sort dinner when he said he would. It does demonstrate a lack of thought for you, and that he sees you as the default parent.

I am 100% the default parent! It was almost inevitable really - I was a sahm for years and have only returned to work p/t termtime so we don’t have to worry about childcare.

And when I got home he’d not even put his breakfast stuff in the dishwasher!! I’ll do that too then….

I understand your issue but to be fair it seems you knew this was a potential so the plans could change and had discussed it. So I’m not sure it needed more on thr text, I’d certainly not have said more and wouldn’t have thought to apologise as you wished.

@Janieforever I left for work just after 8 and by this point I thought it was set that he wasn’t going to be honest as he was still saying definitely not. He then messaged a couple of hours later to say he was going. It was more that I was surprised he wasn’t going as I thought he would/should but once he’d confirmed that he wasn’t I thought it was settled (if that makes sense!)

It's just a text.

Him going away was something you'd talked about, something you knew might happen, so it can't have been massively unexpected when he said he had to go after all.

You feeling put-upon and like your time doesn't matter is a bit of a separate issue.

What would happen if you didn't answer? Maybe you'd lost your phone?

Would he assume you'd collect without confirmation?

I do think people need to actually consider other people may not magically step in, that stuff happens- like lost phones.