Worried DS isn't ready

[MsOverrated]

DS is 18, due to start uni this month, I also have a DSD who is 18 (born 15 days apart) going to uni this year.
DS is very quiet, no real friends, skipped prom, no hobbies at all really. He got A*AA in his A-levels but put very little effort in, just picked subjects he was naturally better at. He has barely moved all summer, we encouraged him to get a job but he didn't want to, we give him small allowance (£20 a week), but his dad gives him more. No idea what he spends it on as he only leaves the house to go to his dads. He is just totally unmotivated, I told him we need to order some things for his room at uni, he said I should do it, I said no he will help and it was I'll get it when I'm there then. His attendance at sixth form in the last 4 months was pretty bad, I stopped arguing with him to get up, so he would be late and his dad would just let him have the day off. I don't think he cares about himself, I have to tell him to have a shower everyday, he won't just do it. He is tall and skinny but eats crap, he gets DSD to bring him McDonalds 2/3 times a week, which she does but only ever gets a diet coke for herself, other than that he just snacks all day. His room is a me, he keeps a bin bag in his room for the rubbish, but still there are bottles, dirty clothes everywhere. He can be really rude to DSD, she tries to spend time with him (invited him to go to the cinema with her or join her and some others for drinks), they went to different schools (DSD went to grammar, DS comp), so no mutual friends but she tries.
On the flip DSD is the opposite, also did really well in her A Levels, AAAA (she did further maths), but actually seemed to study and put the effort in, she is a fantastic little cook and is conscious about eating healthy, been working parttime for 2 years, has friends, hobbies, been away with friends on holiday in the summer, is independent and has sorted everything for uni herself, is more than ready.
DH thinks DS is a little less independent and self-sufficient than most his age but DSD makes it look a lot worse as she is more independent than most. I feel like at 18 I was similar to DSD and worry that DS is absolutely not ready for uni. I'm imagining him sleeping in, missing classes and getting kicked off the course!!

AIBU to think DS is really really not ready? or is DSD making him look worse than he is?

You’re just going to have to let him learn the hard way. If he does what you suspect, it won’t be anyone’s fault but his own.

I can understand why you’d be worried. I do think girls mature a lot faster than boys. And there is a wide range of maturity on display at Uni 🤣 Definitely I don’t think he’ll necessarily stick out like a sore thumb there and I do think DSD sounds particularly mature for her age, but I can understand why you’d be a bit worried about his attendance/hygiene/social life/general independence from what you’ve said. Don’t think you can really blame him for not trying harder at school when he came out with all top grades though. It’s not a crime to pick your strongest subjects to take on at sixth form, in fact it’s generally encouraged, and that’s usually what people are also more interested in and more suited to career wise.

Unless he wants to try deferring the place to do a gap year though if it’s not too late to do that, I think you just have to let him go and see how it goes. You’d then have the issue of what he’s going to do on a gap year though which might be even worse as less structured. He might pleasantly surprise you when he actually has to take some responsibility for himself. If he’s going far away in particular then I would try to keep tabs a bit on how things are going though and physically check in on him at least once in the first term.

My son just started sixth form and I definitely have worries about his being the same. As you’ve basically described him how he is now and I’m worried 2 years may not suddenly change things massively. Already I can see that many of his friends are more mature than him especially the girls. He is young for his year and also has ADHD. I’ve already started to say to him it might not be a bad idea to take a year out to work and build up some money for Uni. There are a few reasons I think this would be a good idea but one of them is that I worry he needs to basically grow up a bit more before he’ll be able to cope with uni without it being a disaster. Have you ever wondered about neurodiversity in your DS? And is there anything you regret not doing at my stage to try and get him more ready for Uni?!

I don’t think I was as mature as your DSD at Uni and I managed fine. I’d never had a part time job, had no idea how to cook or wash clothes etc. And had a messy room. Studied hard and got top grades though and wouldn’t have dreamed of bunking off school. And did shower daily! I did take a year out and lived in another country teaching English through a gap year charity before Uni. It helped me grow up a lot. But I didn’t have to worry about cooking and washing clothes etc. there. It was ok. I worked it out when I got to Uni. Lots of phone calls with my mum about how exactly to use the washing machine! And friends I made there taught me how to cook 🤣 I’m still messy, never figured that bit of it out yet!

There are SO many people like your DS at uni. Yes, he might not be ready to make the most of it but he won't be the first to go in that state and learn the hard way.

I am afraid it is time to step back. Get him the basics he will need, when you drop him off take him to the supermarket and then let him do his own thing. He needs to work this part of his life out for himself.

I think Uni aside I’d be a bit worried - not about coping at uni but just that he seems to have a lack of interest in anything or himself?
is there something he is passionate about? I would wonder if a year out before uni would be a good idea? Doing something to help him grow as a person rather than academically which it sounds like he’s got covered. I knew people like this at uni and they nearly always dropped out at some point because you can’t coast along in the same way as school and they didn’t get the most out of it. With the amount it costs these days I’d have a serious think about whether deferring for a year would be worthwhile. There are so many things he could do and it might give him a real focus…