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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People calling over without notice?

23 replies

Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:12

I can't cope with this. My mum just called to say she'll be over in a couple of hours. So drop everything and clean the place. She wouldn't be over too often, so it's a bit of an 'event' iyswim. What really annoys me is that she utterly detested people doing this when we were kids. I don't get why she's doing it to me!?!

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 08/09/2023 13:16

Be more assertive and tell her that you can’t drop your plans for a short notice visit. “I really would love to see you but we’ve got a lot on today so I won’t be around for you to drop by. Have you got any time next weekend? Then I can make sure we are free to spend some proper quality time with you”

and I wouldn’t stress myself out cleaning the house, if your mum said anything about mess I’d just reply with “well I wasn’t expecting last minute company”

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 08/09/2023 13:17

I prefer people giving me plenty of notice if they are going to call at my house. Luckily I don’t have anyone really who just comes to my house without notice.

I actually kind of like having 2-3 hrs notice of some visits as I find I suddenly clean at 3x the speed I normally do so get loads done in a shorter space of time.

I know what you mean though op. Why not just give notice. I’d probably just say sorry but it’s not convenient any time she tried it again until she gets the message she needs to give more notice.

AgentProvocateur · 08/09/2023 13:24

It’s your mum - you don’t need to clean, surely?

Original poster
Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:26

AgentProvocateur · 08/09/2023 13:24

It’s your mum - you don’t need to clean, surely?

You HAVE to clean for your mum!

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2023 13:28
  1. Just tell her no. You're working (or whatever).
  2. If she wants to drop in unannounced she doesn't get to dictate that you must clean your house. This is really very simple. If you're not invited over you can't dictate to people that they prepare for your arrival.
Olika · 08/09/2023 13:28

That's my DH friends and relatives... they just appear behind the door 🤦🏽‍♀️

35965a · 08/09/2023 13:30

She did give you a couple of hours notice, though.

I hate people who just turn up. A text beforehand and half an hour notice minimum is OK for me personally.

Original poster
Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:31

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 08/09/2023 13:17

I prefer people giving me plenty of notice if they are going to call at my house. Luckily I don’t have anyone really who just comes to my house without notice.

I actually kind of like having 2-3 hrs notice of some visits as I find I suddenly clean at 3x the speed I normally do so get loads done in a shorter space of time.

I know what you mean though op. Why not just give notice. I’d probably just say sorry but it’s not convenient any time she tried it again until she gets the message she needs to give more notice.

She texted husband so it was a done deal before i knew about it. And (god love him) he''ll be doing all the work. I just find it so annoying that she's doing exactly what she used to abhor! The visit i assume is bc my daughters birthday was yesterday, so she really could have just given us some effing notice ffs!

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 08/09/2023 13:33

What really annoys me is that she utterly detested people doing this when we were kids. I don't get why she's doing it to me!?!

Ask her?

How often do you invite her over?

Janieforever · 08/09/2023 13:33

She isn’t calling over without notice. She called, asked and gave two hours. It’s your husband and your choice to clean and he could have said we aren’t in. I don’t see what she did as calling in without notice.

Janieforever · 08/09/2023 13:34

Sorry she texted, not called.

alwaysonadiet1 · 08/09/2023 13:37

I like at least a day's notice, I can't stand it when people just turn up unannounced, however happy I am to spend time with them given a bit of notice.

JustFrustrated · 08/09/2023 13:40

It's hardly without notice
Not entirely unexpected
Maybe a wakeup call to keep your house a bit cleaner and tidier if you're now in panic mode

Original poster
Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:42

Whataretheodds · 08/09/2023 13:33

What really annoys me is that she utterly detested people doing this when we were kids. I don't get why she's doing it to me!?!

Ask her?

How often do you invite her over?

Tbf, i don't at all anymore. Thank you for asking actually, i hadn't thought of that. She used to be over every week. Now she 'drops in'. I don't cope with anyone dropping in. And she always doing that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:44

Janieforever · 08/09/2023 13:33

She isn’t calling over without notice. She called, asked and gave two hours. It’s your husband and your choice to clean and he could have said we aren’t in. I don’t see what she did as calling in without notice.

We'll have to agree to disagree there.

OP posts:
TheBarbieEffect · 08/09/2023 13:45

YANBU. Everyone we know knows it’s not acceptable to just pop round. It’s so rude.

BubziOwl · 08/09/2023 13:46

I agree with you to an extent, but I think very close relatives like one's mother are exempt from not being able to drop in surely?! (Besides, she did give you several hours' notice).

Then again, I've never once in my life cleaned up because my mum is coming over. And even for people I would want to clean up for before they came over, surely a couple of hours is plenty of time?

Original poster
Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:54

Just to answer a couple of questions/clarify, i'm essentially incapacitated physically, so all the work falls on DH. His couple of hours is work/shopping/homework. I should have put that in OP, apologies. Even when i was less incapacitated though, i hated people just coming over. It's the way i was brought up, by my mother! I need time mentally to prepare for guests. I'm a bit odd but it is what it is that way. I've asked her before (albeit probably in a roundabout way) to give us notice but it hasn't registered apparently.

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 08/09/2023 13:56

Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:42

Tbf, i don't at all anymore. Thank you for asking actually, i hadn't thought of that. She used to be over every week. Now she 'drops in'. I don't cope with anyone dropping in. And she always doing that.

Show quote history

Okay so with that context I think you are being unreasonable, if you don’t ever make plans to see her or invite her over then you can’t be annoyed that she is making the effort. Yes I get it can a bit annoying but if you made effort with her, maybe she wouldn’t feel the need to drop by so often

Whataretheodds · 08/09/2023 13:59

Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 13:42

Tbf, i don't at all anymore. Thank you for asking actually, i hadn't thought of that. She used to be over every week. Now she 'drops in'. I don't cope with anyone dropping in. And she always doing that.

Show quote history

Definitely worth saying to her, cordially - "you used to get annoyed with people dropping over at short notice. Did you realise you've been doing this recently? I'd love to see you - let's plan when is convenient?"

pizzaHeart · 08/09/2023 14:01

I think @Drummend01 had given you a good advice - be assertive😊.
However you can’t just say “you can’t come” you have to say that you’d love her to come but…. and offer another time. Why she is calling your DH? Could he not to answer next time just until she would be into a new routine of coming prearranged?

Original poster
Chickenkeev · 08/09/2023 18:38

pizzaHeart · 08/09/2023 14:01

I think @Drummend01 had given you a good advice - be assertive😊.
However you can’t just say “you can’t come” you have to say that you’d love her to come but…. and offer another time. Why she is calling your DH? Could he not to answer next time just until she would be into a new routine of coming prearranged?

I'm woefully unassertive. I realise it's my problem. I just need to be able to tell my mum 'no'. And i really struggle with that. She was over today as it happens and was lovely, first time i've seen her in months. I am def more the problem than she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickenkeev · 09/09/2023 01:03

pizzaHeart · 08/09/2023 14:01

I think @Drummend01 had given you a good advice - be assertive😊.
However you can’t just say “you can’t come” you have to say that you’d love her to come but…. and offer another time. Why she is calling your DH? Could he not to answer next time just until she would be into a new routine of coming prearranged?

She's calling DH cos i was in hospital for an extended period. The dynamic is a bit abnormal tbh. And i suppose, in an indirect way, i've become disenfranchised with it. But she did do this prior to my hospitalisation. So it's not that.

Aaanyway, it was lovely to see her, i went down (out of my room,where i live, like a troll). She seemed to take me well enough. It's an odd thing, but mum is like medicine for the soul. I feel so much better for seeing her. Thanks to you all though.

OP posts:
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