Claiming CPTSD but childhood not abusive?

[FeelWorthlessAndAshamed]

Ok I intended to write this thread but mistakenly posted my post on someone else thread.

It was the post on the thread AIBU To Ask for an Extra Therapy Session?

I should type it all out but I'm struggling at the moment health wise.

I don't know how to link to it?

Apologies I'm still getting used to MN.

Your post (copied and pasted):

Feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. Not suicidal but battling urges to self harm.

I have been in therapy for years for Complex PTS D and BPD/EUPD. Done DBT, and now doing trauma work . For the most part it's been terrific for me and I've seen progress but lately I've been struggling again with hypervigilance.

I find it bad at nights. I try not to answer my phone or have it turned off at 9pm so I have a hour to calm down before bed. I struggle with sleep.

My father came round unexpectedly at 10.30 pm ish. He tapped on the window and I jumped out of my skin. He was bringing round a spare landline phone because mine hasn't been working . I don't use it much but my parents hate calling me on my mobile. So it was nice of him to do this but I overreacted and went into meltdown. He got angry and drove off, wouldn't let me explain.

I phone this morning to apologise but he was not happy. He forgave me and didn't shout (thank God as I find that v triggering)_but told me I need to stop overreacting and being so emotional. I told him I would try and tried to explain about CPTSD. he said he didn't think it was trauma and said "what trauma have you been through?"

The thing is I was sexually assaulted a couple of times and was badly bullied at school. Self harming and eating disorders from a young age.

I was sacred of my dad, he has a temper. He would take it out on us, sometimes physically but mostly verbally and emotionally. He loved to make us cry by telling us how worthless we were and would threaten us children my mother and pets with weapons (e.g. Kitchen knives) for bad behaviour or x making mistakes. He frequently threatened and screamed at me for making mistakes as a child or for talking too much and being annoying or not doing well at school. Turns out I had an undiagnosed learning disability . I was so afraid of him I was often sucicdal in my teens (self harming since a child). He wasn't always horrible he could do very kind things for me and I know he tried his best to be a good father. His religion meant he had some funny ideas about mental health and trauma, he would often tell me I was just feeling sorry for myself and have no mental illness. He did a psychology degree in the early 70s, it has taken me years of being in and out of psych treatment to have the diagnoses I have.

He is generally nice to me these days though still not nice to siblings and he often still quite vicious with my mother. He does acknowledge he wasn't the best father and keeps apologising for it . I know he means well. I didn't feel he loved me growing up but I know now he does. I just don't feel safe with him or secure in that love.

the trouble is if I upset him I start to panic he will be angry with me and if he ignored me I feel abandoned. Which is daft because up until recently I wanted him to die. I wanted him out of my life.

but this morning I was trying to explain how I need reassurance that I won't be abandoned or hated or punished and he didn't take it well. He said he never abandoned us and he knows he wasn't the best father. But he says I need to stop being this way.

I know last night was my fault . I know it was and I know I need to not mind having my boundaries moved a bit. I do tend to keep people away at arms length. I don't trust easily and have suffered paranoid ideation in the past.

and the worst thing is, I have hurt my father's feelings and he may take it out on my mother but instead of feeling sad for her today I just feel worthless and sad because I keep thinking what he said that I haven't really had any trauma.

I already struggle with believing that deep down I'm faking the trauma for attention . I didn't used to fake things, but I did exaggerate , I wanted people to take care of me as a child and would make out I was worse off than I was, exaggerating minor sicknesses. It disgusts me now but I have tried to overcome this.

I just feel like a big fat fake because my childhood wasn't awful or anything my mother adored me . My parents used to fight a lot because my mother thought the sun shone out of my backside. Yet I had very low sense of who I was, my sense of self not very stable. I think this may have been the bullying or the minor sexual assaults I suffered (inappropriate touching and fingers forced inside me).

I just don't know what I'm asking for on here. Attention ? Sympathy ? I don't know.

CPTSD = complex post traumatic stress disorder, which has been around suince Judith Herman coined the term in the 1990's - to recognise that single incident trauma (like a car crash) has a different impact than repeated exposure to traumatic events (e.g. threatened or actual physical harm on a repeated basis, emotional abuse, neglect).

Also worth looking at would be the impact of Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs).
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/fastfact.html

From what you have written your dad was abusive, and he is minimising this.
Please stick to your boundaries - these are not about controlling how others respond (we can't do that) but about saying what you will do in response.

I have always felt like I was a fraud and a fake for being in long term treatment for BPD and Complex PTSD, not so much the BPD, I think that diagnosis explains a lot but the CPTSD.

Basically I had an incident last night which triggered an episode of hypervigilance and fight or flight reaction . My father was involved and is very upset with me . He says I have to be less sensitive and emotionally reactive .I have been diagnosed by professionals over a course of years (I'm in my 40s now) but my dad took a degree in psychology in the 1970s.

I tried to explain to him about PTS D and He says he doesn't think I have it. He said to me "what was the trauma?"

The thing is I had a good childhood really . I did have some minor sexual assaults from young child to in my teens (not rape just inappropriate touching and fingers inside me I didn't want).. I was bullied at school badly to the point where I don't trust anyone and feel I need to push people away. I feel dirty and shamed , I think this is the bullying?

The thing is I was scared of my father as a child and a teenager. Like ridiculously so. If he yelled or screamed at me or threatened me with a beating I would take it to heart and start shaking . When I got older I would fantasize about suicide . Had been self harming since I was a child . He didn't actually hit me, it was things like pulling my hair, kicking me (to be fair I was a teenager then so not exactly a vulnerable child).

I was annoying as a child because I was very sensitive and anxious . He would be very abusive to my mother and siblings, even using knives on them. With me it was nothing serious but it's somehow affected me.

He would punish me for mistakes in my schoolwork (turns out I had a mild learning disability) and other mistakes like forgetting to say please and thank you etc.

He is still unkind to my mother sometimes but allows her a lot more freedom now , she can buy things with her money etc. He was very strict when we were young due to his religious beliefs.

He is nice to me now but gets exasperated with me because I suffer with panic and anxiety and need to check things again and again (was diagnosed with OCD too but it's like these days).

He tells me I need to try harder. I have had eating disorders in my past not anorexia but bingeing purgeing and extreme dieting and he says it's just willpower. Also that if my faith in God was strong I wouldn't be mentally ill.

I feel like I'm overreacting to the childhood I had which was nice really. I was loved , even though I didn't feel it and to be honest I hated my dad a lot and wished he was dead.

I know I'm being a bit of a fraud seeking help for a childhood that the wasn't that bad. I have tried really hard to tell the facts to my therapist not to exaggerate or make it sound like I had it bad. In the past I used to exaggerate physical health conditions to get sympathy I just wanted to be cared for . My mum adored me thought I could do no wrong but she was scared of my dad so I felt insecure. I've been told I had a poor attachment and maybe narcissism as well as BPD.

I know I've hurt my dad's feelings and I feel bad. It makes him feel guilt when I talk about having trauma.

In the past he used to tell me I was just feeling sorry for myself and need to stop making things up. Then he started acknowledging he wasn't the best father.

I've tried to stop calling my childhood abusive but it never seemed like I was telling the whole truth when I did that. I think maybe that's my OCD making me feel the need to explain things. I have a fear that I'm lying or making things up? Which is ironic because I used to lie all the time to get people to care for me.

Last night my dad called round with a spare landline phone handset for me (my own landline not working but I am saving up money before I call out an engineer which my father isn't happy about). These days I have very firm boundaries with myself and others , like I like to not answer my phone after 9pm otherwise I can't sleep. I used to be a bit of a people pleaser and my therapist told me to stop this. So anyway my father came round at 10.30 on with a handset so I could test if the problem handset or landline. He was being nice to me but when he tapped on the window I jumped out my skin and went into fight or flight mode. He got angry and drove off as I was starting to have a meltdown. I knew he was upset with me for waiting two weeks to call engineer but I have a holiday booked paid for by someone I know and I'm saving money and energy for that (have some physical health issues which mean need a lot of rest).

So this morning I phoned my dad to put it right. I apologised and he told me he forgives me that I need to stop having these meltdowns. I know I need to try harder with my DBT and inner child work.

But I am devastated because I'm scared he will take it out on my mum later, verbally or physically as he has done a lot before but also a selfish part of me is invalidated that he questions my trauma.

He has often told me that my trauma of wasnt that bad and I should be over it by now? As I may have mentioned he has studied psychology (early 70s so a long time ago). He says he doesn't think I'm unwell but just need to try harder and the way I always try to explain and justify myself puts people off. This hurts because I was bullied and had trouble making friends . So now I'm thinking the bullying was my fault ?

I think the worst thing is, I get paranoid a lot. He is the kind of dad who wants things done 5 minutes ago and seemed frustrated that I won't get my phone fixed until end of September . I know he is like this because he loves me .

I think I have a bit of resentment too because I hate being pushed to do things before I'm ready to do them. I like d be careful with my money as I used to be get reckless with it and ended up in debt and was declared insolvent for some years.

I know my dad loves me. I feel like I'm a bit of golden child
these days because he is kind to me and always buying me things but he treated my mother and siblings so horribly when we were growing up. Like the abuse they had from him was really severe

Thanks so much and thanks for copying and pasting ! I'm really grateful for that and will look through the link as soon as I have time to do so.

OP I’m sorry but this absolutely sounds like an awful (and yes abusive) childhood to me. Your father absolutely sounds like he was abusive to you and your mum growing up. I think a lot of people have a simplistic idea of abusers and think they must be obviously evil monsters at all times, if you look at “the cycle of abuse” you’ll see that in between episodes of abuse (and in public) they might appear to be decent nice people. But it does not negate the abuse.

It makes total sense to me as a child living in that environment that you’d want to be taken care off and exaggerate things to achieve that. You shouldn’t feel bad about that. That is what’s called a normal reaction in an abnormal situation.

Have you discussed any of what you’ve said here about your childhood or your relationship with your father (and mother) now in therapy? It sounds to me like deep down you’re still frightened of his reaction, if not towards yourself then towards your mother, if you behave anything other than what he deems perfectly. He is still abusive (which is not a surprise as abusers tend not to change). It’s not ok for him to tell you that you haven’t had trauma in your life, you absolutely had and he is responsible for a lot of it (I’m assuming the sexual assaults, which don’t sound minor by the way to me, we’re not from him from how you’ve talked about this). But of course he isn’t going to want to take responsibility for his actions.

You absolutely DO need to mind having your boundaries moved a bit. Why should you be asked to move your boundaries for a man who has been the source of so much trauma and pain in your life? He is the problem here, not you. I really think you need to consider keeping him out of your life as much as you possibly can (would be totally reasonable to go no contact but I get that would be a big step for you). I think you need to do a lot of reading and talking with your therapist about being a child victim and witness to domestic abuse and how this has affected you. As an adult victim of domestic abuse from my ex husband, I found the Freedom Programme super helpful, but it probably isn’t totally geared up for someone in your situation as the child in this scenario although it could still be eye opening. I’m so sorry that you have an abusive father and a mother who was unable to protect you more. This was not your fault.

'From what you have written your dad was abusive, and he is minimising this'

Completely agree. Your father's behaviour when you were a child sounds terrifying and traumatising.

'I know I'm being a bit of a fraud seeking help for a childhood that the wasn't that bad.'

I think every survivor of childhood abuse has felt similar. When you grow up in an environment where there was no space for your feelings, it makes sense that you question your feelings all the time as an adult. I don't think a single person on this thread would suggest that your childhood was safe or stable or healthy or in any way 'not that bad'

It sounds very much like your father is not capable of really hearing you or making any space for your feelings or your perception of your childhood. How would it feel to stop talking to him about your childhood experiences and your feelings now?

Listen to yourself excusing and minimising being kicked - KICKED! As a teenager by your own father as no big deal because it wasn’t like you were a vulnerable child. That was NOT OK! It was also not ok that he used knives on your mother and siblings and just witnessing that is major abuse and trauma in itself.

Please listen to that “selfish” part of you screaming to you about the truth here. You need to stop listening to your dad as the ultimate authority on everything. As the abuser he has a vested interest in saying that you’re the crazy one, that never happened etc. Think about it.

Thanks so much to everyone who has commented on this thread. You have offered me some helpful perspectives. I have emailed my therapist for her take on the situation . It feels good to let it all out.

You are not a fraud

You have been abused

You have experienced trauma

You have nothing to feel guilty about

Big hugs and my advice is keep your father at arm's length

No sexual abuse incident involving a child is minor. Have you disclosed this to your therapist?

You definitely had a traumatic childhood from what you have said- an abuse father, sexual and physical abuse. Any one of this things is enough to tip someone over the edge, so please be kind to yourself. As others have said, you have nothing to feel guilty about. This was inflicted on you, not by you.

It sounds like you may be better of reducing ties with your Dad. I know you say you are concerned about your mother, but she is an adult and makes her own choices. Much like on a plane, where you put your own oxygen mask on, you will likely be in a better position to support her if you put own mental health first.

Huge hugs, OP. This is a difficult situation and I am so sorry that your childhood was so traumatic.

Your dad is clearly in the wrong. Who taps on the window of a single woman living alone at 10:30pm at night? Who? Only someone who wants to startle her and make her jump out of her skin.

So no you were not being hypervigilant. This wasn’t your PTSD. This was him being a complete asshole. Call or text ahead. Or at least, ring the fucking door bell like a human being and not a stalker.

He has turned his shit behaviour into the usual you don’t have PTSD argument putting you in the wrong and making you feel bad.

Yes he was abusive and you had a traumatic childhood. It’s not the worst childhood ever, but it was bad.

Stop apologising to him for how you are around him. This is his fault.

I think it's a really good idea to talk more with your therapist about your thoughts about the CPTSD diagnosis. I wonder if the label triggers underlying negative beliefs about your own self worth - accepting that you were abused means accepting that you didn't deserve to be treated the way you were, that it wasn't normal and you are worthy of feeling safe and loved. Given your history, you may find it hard to truly believe that.
I would also add that what makes an event traumatic is partly defined by your own response - a minor prang in a car can cause PTSD depending on how your brain interprets it. It doesn't matter if other people think your experience was traumatic - it was for you and that is what's important in terms of recovery. (Though in your case I agree with PP, your father is very clearly minimising your experiences because he doesn't want to acknowledge how much he's hurt you psychologically).