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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Supporting DH with MIL's cancer diagnosis

14 replies

juliajmsn · 07/09/2023 22:33

Our relationship with DH is great overall but I've always clashed with his mum, my MIL. Just in that we are quite different people, I've thought she's intrusive, wanted to tell me what to do on many occasions and got sad and shocked when I didn't follow her instructions. DH on the other hand is very close to his mum and perhaps what partly caused the rifts is that for him mum is always right, worships mum, can't stand up to her and can't say a word against her. 90% of our arguments with DH have ever been about MIL.

Of course I never wished her illness or death but now she's been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and docs say she hasn't got long to live. DH is beside himself. I've never seen him cry so much. I love him more than anything and just don't know how to support him best emotionally. I don't want to start suddenly saying how much I love MIL and that she's the best MIL because it'll sound fake which would just push him further away but want him to know I'm here for him.

In terms of practical stuff I do 90% of the parenting, cook all his meals, cleaning is twine cqre or and have taken as many things off his plate as possible to free up time to spend with MIL and to look after himself. But I'm specifically wondering how to support him emotionally without sounding fake.

OP posts:

Original poster

juliajmsn · 07/09/2023 22:34

So would it be unreasonable to say sweet things about MIL? Feels like it would. But then what am I meant to say

OP posts:

LocalHobo · 07/09/2023 22:45

Our relationship with DH is great
90% of our arguments with DH
Who is the other person in your question? Are you asking on behalf of you and your DC?
I think you just have to find positive things; how close MIL is to her son for example, and not come up with fake emotions. You may have admired her personal style, her baking ability etc. even if your personalities clashed.
It will also be fine to express how sad you are that you did not manage to become closer to your MIL whist she had good health.

Original poster

juliajmsn · 07/09/2023 22:59

LocalHobo · 07/09/2023 22:45

Sorry if I made it unclear.

DH and I get on really well but the only thing we tend to argue about is MIL, how often to see her, how much to involve her in our life etc. So the topic of 90% of our arguments is my MIL ie his mum.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 07/09/2023 23:04

I think I’d focus on their relationship - “you’re so close/she knows you love her/must be a real comfort to her to have you there”. That sort of thing. It’s comforting- and it’s true; you can be entirely sincere about it. So sorry - sounds very difficult for your family.

pinkappleorpineapple · 07/09/2023 23:08

I would stick with how you know how close they are and can only imagine how difficult it is for him, and her. Is your DH an only child? Even if he is, hopefully there will be other people in his family who love her as DH does and the can do the reminiscing about how wonderful she is.

I wouldn't say you are sad you didn't become closer to her, you're not and it sounds on a par with saying how great you thought she was.

I would just keep supporting him, facilitating visits and if you are seeing her just let commenta go over your head, any disagreement with his dying mother is not good. Don't let her be the cause of more arguments when she has gone. Be the bigger person in this if you can.

Sisterpita · 07/09/2023 23:45

There is no need to go overboard and start saying things you don’t mean.

Focus on the practical things you can do to make MIL comfortable e.g. specific food or drink, hand cream, blanket, organising carers etc. this shows you care but are not being hypocritical.

With your DH, recognise he is already grieving the loss and this will involve different stages from tears to anger.

MyGardensAMess · 07/09/2023 23:48

My MIL has cancer. I focus on what DH might need. I don't feel the need to start talking her up because she is sick. She's still the same person. I'm sure you can find some positive trait in her if you need to, no-one is all awful. Just focus on making sure DH won't have regrets when she is gone.

mambojambodothetango · 08/09/2023 00:21

Two things: listen (don't talk) and do practical things he might forget to do or not think of. This might be making sure his phone is charged for journeys to see her, researching gifts he can give her or places he can take her. I honestly think these are things he'll appreciate and let him know you're supporting him. Putting your arm around him and saying how sad he must be feeling is just not what he needs. I know because I've been through this with both parents and I felt like DH didn't really register what I was experiencing. I would have loved him to just listen while I talked about her.

CherryMaDeara · 08/09/2023 02:28

I personally think you’re doing plenty. Taking on the practical stuff is allowing him to cry etc. Be careful that you don’t burn out.

Topseyt123 · 08/09/2023 02:52

You are doing plenty and much of it is practical stuff which frees DH up to spend time with his mother.

You can continue with that, plus encouraging him to go and be there without suddenly waxing lyrical about MIL yourself.

Listen to him and take mental note of what is needed.

ShippingNews · 08/09/2023 03:00

Maybe it is Mil who needs the support - she is terminally ill after all. Sounds to me that your husband is making it all about HIM. If he loves her so much, he needs to pull up his pants and show her support, instead of weeping and expecting you to support him .

CherryMaDeara · 08/09/2023 03:07

ShippingNews · 08/09/2023 03:00

Yep.

AmsterdamCruising · 08/09/2023 03:35

i can hear your compassion for your husband, which is lovely. I think keep doing the practical stuff that he doesn’t have capacity for now, and lots of listening and empathy for how upset he is and how hard and horrible this is for him. You don’t need to say anything about his mum, just stick with validating his experience of this. He’s going through s horrible time, but you can show him he doesn’t need to feel it alone.

User1990C · 08/09/2023 06:53

ShippingNews · 08/09/2023 03:00

Utter nonsense and clearly said by someone with a callous heart for others.

Having had a close family member die suddenly of cancer, of course you cry with your spouse. It doesn't mean that OPs DH is crying with his mother.

OP, focus on how close they are and how you'll carry the load as best you can so he can have whatever time he needs to process. If doctors have said not long, they're being incredibly forward with information. Usually, they won't give any indication.

Have you considered hospice care? Arthur Rank are truly wonderful for supporting families and individuals at this time.

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