DS left out

[Rosebel]

Feeling a bit sad tonight but can't work out if I'm being unreasonable. My DS attends the same nursery I work at. Until recently we were both in preschool but I moved last week in to toddler room.
DS has possible ASD or global delay so in a lot of ways is younger than 3.
They had a trial run today with a yoga teacher today in preschool. 18 photos had been taken of the children (uploaded on to parents app), my son was in 1 photo.
He was sat away from the other children, playing with a fidget toy but not even looking at what was happening.
There were 2 members of staff in the photos with the children and it feels like a slap in the face that neither of them sat with my son or encouraged him to join in or even had him sat with the children.
I know they are busy (and likely to get even busier) but all the children were engaged in this activity bar one (my DS). Is he just going to be ignored by the staff now I'm not there.
DH is fuming because he feels DSs needs aren't being met but on the other hand I do get that they can't force DS to join in.
DS is non verbal so it's not like I can ask him about his day either. Also slightly pissed off that this is the only photo this week we've had (supposed to be one a day) and he wasn't engaged and was being ignored.
Am I being really stupid to feel so sad?
YABU they are busy and can't dedicate time to him
YANBU I would be hurt too.

I'm not sure you can judge much from one activity and one set of photos. How do you know they hadn't been really trying to get him to join in and he wouldn't? Would he normally like that type of thing or would he generally be happier with his fidget toys? I think you can ask for the photos you have been promised daily and for feedback about how he has been joining in activities in general and what they are doing to encourage him

At primary school he'll be allocated a 1-2-1 TA

Do they or can they get funding for nursery schools too

Surely you understand that they can not safely give the time your son might require without neglecting other DC

He's safe and cared for even if he doesn't want to join in with activities. There is only so much staff can do

Surely you realise that if he wasn't sitting with them then that was probably his choice and definitely not them neglecting him in the corner

You wouldn't want them dragging him in the mix kicking and screaming for your benefit for a photo opportunity

Have a good think about it

He was quiet and safe in the corner playing with the fidget thing which he was more than likely content with

You have expectations of him joining in with activities that he probably really does not want to be involved in otherwise he would be joining in

I think deciding his needs are not met and he is being ignored based on a few photos is unreasonable. I think it is just that these photos have reminded you that your ds has additional needs and this is upsetting. I get it. Both my children have significant needs. I remember walking past the primary school my dd attended and seeing her playing alone at the edge of the playground. She was very happy but it made me very upset. However, that was what she wanted to do. I also remember the school insisting she take part in the school performance because they wanted to be inclusive. She hated it and it was worse tbh seeing her being coaxed and helped to do some tiny part.

OP I know how you feel, slightly different situation but a few years ago I remember school uploading a few photos of the school ski trip. All the kids were sat outside, playing some sort of game on the decking. DS was sat all by himself in the corner reading a book. I worried about him being left out for the rest of the week, but when I asked him about it when he got home, he said he was perfectly happy, chilling in the sun having a bit of quiet time. He joined in plenty of other activities, but that tiny snap shot I saw, he wanted to be by himself, with his book.

I’d just ask your colleagues how he got on with the yoga, did he join in at all, or was it just not his thing.

Like I said probably being unreasonable. I would rather have seen a photo of him being engaged in something and not seen the yoga one tbh.
He normally loves physical play but maybe this wasn't physical enough or just not his thing.
I know all kids are different but the other SEN child was sat with a staff member joining in but deep down I know that doesn't mean anything.
I think I'm so aware that he has additional needs and I worry about him missing out on things because he does need encouragement.
Unfortunately the nursery would struggle to get any 1:1 for him. He's supposed to get 1:1 or 1:2 with Senco every week but she's had to work in the rooms a lot lately so he doesn't get that either but obviously need to stay in ratio.

Preschool is a different ballgame when it comes to individual attention. Due to staffing ratios they can’t give as close attention or take as many photos. There’s also the matter that nursery employees often get care for free or heavily discounted they may well focus photos and activities on customers but might still be giving your son a lot of attention seperately. You will need to have a conversation I guesd

He's being socialised just by being at the nursery surrounded by other DC, which is bloody hectic, and probably way to much for his senses tbh. Sensory overload.

There are lots of activities should he want to join in

He's not being forced to join in which would be his idea of hell I'm sure

It seems like maybe they're giving him the space he wants and needs

Try not to be too upset and try to have an open and honest conversation with his key worker and what they experience with regards to his interactions, wants and needs. Let them be honest because you want to know how he is around all these other DC etc. don't get upset and offended when you want to hear the raw truth and how you can all work together with his wants and needs.

All of you, you, your DS and the nursery staff are on a learning curve with what's best for him.

He is probably a lot more content than you think by just being left to his own devices. So long of course that he's not being completely neglected which is nigh on impossible. I'd say if they stuck him alone in a room then he's being neglected but not if he's doing his own thing surrounded by other DC modelling to him how other DC play together. He sees that so he's aware of it which is a good thing, he sees and learns but decides it's not for him.

Sadly when schools and nurseries are allocated SENCO staff they are used for all the DC probably to cover breaks etc

I would have a quiet calm word and request / demand that she spends the allocated time with your DC especially with the activities he likes

This makes me very cross actually and most people when there is someone allocated and they're being tasked elsewhere

This is where you need to direct your fight. More 1-2-1 with the dedicated SENCO person

YANBU. My DS hasn't long started nursery and it upsets me when I see group photos of all the children playing together and my DS is either lingering in the background (alone) or nowhere to be seen.

Use this to help you write what you expect from the SENCO member of staff with regards to your DC and his needs and the fact she is a dedicated staff member specific your DS

www.hertfordshire.gov.uk/microsites/local-offer/education-support/help-you-can-get-when-your-child-is-in-school/getting-help-at-school-from-your-senco.aspx

There are online groups of other parents to help you navigate and advocate for your DC

Keep up the good fight for your DC

There are lots of great schools out there who will have your DS best interests

YANBU. Ours was left at the back of the room to play cars at one nursery and all we ever got in terms of photos was the back of his head in one picture every couple of weeks. It didn't move him forward at all and we were bankrupting ourselves (and I was making myself miserable working in a job I hated) to put him in nursery because we thought it would help him in ways I couldn't help by keeping him at home. We ended up taking him out of the setting. Once he was moved into a setting where someone actually gave a shit and knew how to engage him, he advanced massively.

Perhaps the person with the camera that session was also the one working with your son for most of the session.

Perhaps ask whether he engaged with any of the yoga session - maybe he did for a bit, maybe he didn't, but the answer you get will tell you a lot about whether he was being ignored or just couldn't be persuaded to join in.

Maybe it's partly because I haven't seen a photo of him for 2 weeks and then I got one where he isn't even engaged in the activity..
I personally wouldn't send a photo like that to a parent.

Given that you work there, I'd really hope this could be solved with a simple conversation with your colleagues and a request for more photos showing DS being engaged?

Unfortunately the nursery would struggle to get any 1:1 for him. He's supposed to get 1:1 or 1:2 with Senco every week but she's had to work in the rooms a lot lately so he doesn't get that either but obviously need to stay in ratio.

Apply for an EHCP so the nursery get funding to hire a proper 1:1. You can do it yourself if you don't think the nursery senco is up to the task. These is also Early Years Inclusion funding.

Is he on the pathway? Does he have a Sen plan? Is he meeting his targets? He may need 1:1. Nursery can apply for funding through council sen team. My dc was on pathway during nursery. He got 6 of his 15 hours funded. After a term this was increased to 12 hours. You need to speak to the senco

I think you've confused the voting options with your comment.

You are clearly being very unreasonable, but not because they are busy and can't dedicate time to him.

How can you work in the Nursery and not understand how the EYFS works ? The child led part ? The children following their interest part ?
The ratios in pre-school part ?

I now it is a huge emotional journey when your child has developmental issues, but you are directing your energy and anger at the wrong target here.

If you work in a Nursery you will already know that funding for SEND is appalling. That waiting lists for assessment, let alone support are appalling. Focusing on there only being one phot of him on the upload, rather than arranging meetings with the SENCo and your HV and pushing for whatever support you can get is not going to help him at all.

Do you think I'm not already doing that? We have had meetings with the Senco, he is under the paediatric doctor and awaiting several assessments. So I'm not just focusing on the photo but that is what my post was about.
As you said though the waiting lists are long and getting appointments is hard. Your comments suggesting I should know x y and z about nursery are unnecessary. I know all those things but that isn't what my post was about either. It was about being upset that every other child was engaged and he was just sitting on his own playing with the fidget toy but also looking a bit lost or maybe confused.

Apply for a ECHP.

We don't know what you're doing OP we're just trying to help because you're feeling sad

I'm really confused about EHCP. I was going to apply for one but when I mentioned it to the Senco she said that it was easier for her to do and I'd need loads of evidence to get one.

Does the school your son will go to have a nursery?
If so, is there any way you could possibly look to move him there?. A relative’s little one although not totally non verbal sounds very like your son.
He was at a national chain private nursery from 10 months and whilst the staff were always very kind towards him they did little to encourage and help him develop, and kept him in the baby room far longer than he should have been. Talk of applying for funding for extra help got nowhere and when he was offered a place in the school nursery for the 12 months prior to starting in reception his parents decided to move him and reorganise work commitments to cover the shorter nursery hours and holidays.
It was very obvious from the start that the staff and the facilities were so much better geared up to helping those with special needs and the progress he has made is immense. What were a few almost unintelligible words quickly turned into fully understandable sentences and he moved into reception this week so much better placed than he would have been had he stayed within the private nursery setting.