Life is kind of strange when you’re ’different’

[PersonalNameChange]

I can’t relate to anyone, no one relates to me and now I’m scared to even try again. And that feels me left isolated when around people, and nowadays I rather just be alone because that way it hurts less.

So, I’m a weirdo, basically.
I’ve never dated, never been in a relationship, obviosly don’t have kids. Not by choice.
Pretty much these topics are everywhere media is filled with love stuff (tried to watch an action series and it’s full of the bad guy go on how love changed him!), most people want to at least some degree want to talk about these things. I have nothing to say, I’m too embarrassed to talk about my crushing loneliness, so I just sit there in silence.
People who already have so much just complains about the smallists of things and look at me like I have to support them when their husband don’t clear the dishwasher fast enough. Meanwhile I go to my empty home - again.

All the money, time, effort to listen, celebrate, support all these life events. For others.
I am so tired now.

It’s so crazy how everyone else got it all, most have it multiple times and I’m there just 🧍🏻‍♀️…
I don’t nnow it went like this.
And I can’t never talk about this, I’d just be called bitter and jelaous and how other people’s happiness isin’t away from me… and what else… better single than bad relationship, you’re not missing out on anything (this is a lie, right?), it will happen when you least expected….

I'm different.
I'm a loner. I have no friends. I go months upon months without any kind of adult conversations.
I have Schizoid personality disorder and I'm in the autism spectrum.
I don't get in with people, I can't empathize with them, I feel neither joy nor grief and don't understand those emotions in other people. This makes me come across as cold, cynical and I've been called soulless many many times.

All that is to say, you're not alone OP.

The best thing I can suggest you could do for yourself is seek mental health support and see if they can identify anything that explains why you are how you are.

I was how I am for years before the psychiatrists at the hospital suggested SPD, it explained just about everything and it now gives me a 'thing' I can point at and say,

"Fuck you, I'm not an evil soulless future serial murderer, it's a personality disorder..."

There is support out there though, other than mental health support, clubs and organizations and online communities etc. If you have an interest, that's a thing to pursue and it gives you something to discuss with others, just an idea.

I so sorry for you OP, I (think I) understand. You're not a weirdo, based on anything you've written at least 😁, many people in your boat...

And yes, they're lies, easy ways to dismiss your heartache. Had it all my adult life from every friend and relative I've ever known. That's not to say they don't also suffer though, everyone has a right to feel like shit sometimes.

You deserve better, I truly hope it comes one day.

I'm sorry OP. I know that you are not alone because I have supported lots of people in similar scenarios. I just want to challenge this though:
"And I can’t never talk about this, I’d just be called bitter and jelaous and how other people’s happiness isin’t away from me"
You can and should talk about this. Some nasty people might say something like this, but there are a lot of kind and empathetic people who would listen and try to understand. There will be services in your area that can help you to meet new people (who might be in the same boat as you, or a similar one).
I have also felt like an outsider all my life - I have come to realise this is likely related to neurodiversity, and have come to see that there are so many others who feel the same way. I don't feel so "outside" anymore.
There is a ridiculous focus on being in romantic relationships. I have had serious relationships but have been single (happily for a long time). I get those remarks too - "have you got yourself a man yet?", "you'll meet him when you least expect it". It makes my eyes roll, but I don't let it bother me anymore as I know I am happy as I am. However, if you're not, I can understand those comments must really sting.
What is it you want OP? Do you want to fall in love and marry and have kids? Or do you want the world around you to stop making you feel bad about not having or wanting that?

You say you've never dated and that this is not by choice. What have you done in order to try and address this?

I was in similar boat (partly choice partly life circumstances) until I was 32. Not a single date. Then I moved countries and made an actual effort to meet people as I knew no one here (so made it more difficult to just hang in my comfort zone with my family and friends and ignore the loneliness). Dated and met some lovely men (and some not so lovely) and had a couple of relationships. I'm currently with my partner for aprox 5 years. I've also been in a relationship where I was lonely in the relationship, so don't dismiss the people who say you're not missing much (until I met my current partner I'd probably say the same). All this to emphasize that while the romantic idea of sitting at home and meeting someone might work out for some ("you'll meet him when you least expect it"), for the majority and especially in older people (so not uni where you're meeting tons of people and are out often so opportunities to meet new people are boundless) it takes effort to meet people. Try things you haven't (already) tried, like OLD (can be draining and some dangers so make sure you have safeguards in place but it's how I ultimately met my partner so don't dismiss it), matchmaking service, speed dating, single events (I keep getting ads on FB about a company that arranges "solo travel adventures for people in ther 30s and 40s, maybe they know something I don't? LOL) or even as simple as starting a new social activity (litter picking, some type of crafting class, classes at the gym or a new sport you always wanted to try but haven't, specialist/niche board game rooms, ie world of warcraft etc) so you actually meet new people but also get out and do things instead of sitting at home bemoaning your fate and hoping the perfect mate will ring your doorbell and whisk you away.

Last but not least there are worse fates in life than being single and childless, although having been there (the single thing, the childless thing is by choice) I know it's really hard, so try and focus on the positives you have in your life. A lot of life's journey is celebrating other people, their achievements and life stages (I don't wish to have chlidren and unlikely to get married or buy a house, but still have to go to chistenings, baby showers, weddings and housewarming parties of friends and colleagues and celebrate their happiness/success even if I will likely never get the same back). That's just life. Instead on focusing on the things you don't have (and it's easy to do) focuse on the things you do and try and enjoy your life as much as possible, partner or not as you're not getting the years back (having spent most of my twenties in deep depression and wanting to die, trust me, I know what it feels like to regret mssed out opportunities). Big hug and head up!