To wonder why people don’t take to me until they get to know me?

[geip]

I have quite a lot of friends and I know these friendships are genuine. I’m sure people will then say ‘oh well why does this bother you then?’… but it does. People only really seem to like me properly after they’ve got to know me. I don’t seem to have people gravitate to me in social settings, or pursue friendships with me. I make the effort and then it clicks and they begin to make an effort and the friendship develops.

I am not sure I am likeable? I can be really self deprecating and probably make comments that put myself down a bit/laugh at myself and perhaps that is initially off putting? When people learn what I do for work they will often say how impressive that is/they can’t believe I do that job as I don’t come across that seriously etc.

Why do I come across so oddly at first? What is it that people don’t like?

Could you be coming across like a potentially needy friend that needs a lot of boosting up? Perhaps when they realise you hold down a decent job and come across as more competent/capable they see that your actions speak louder than your self-depreciating words. It's hard to know without meeting you.

I'm the same. I think it's because people think I'm distant and aloof as i can stand back and observe a bit initially. So I suppose I am a bit distant to begin with, but I wouldn't equate that with difficult to get to know. When I connect with someone I'm one of the warmest people you'll meet, chatty etc. It doesn't bother me any more. My friendships are meaningful, but relatively few and that's a good thing in my opinion.

@Curseofthenation yeah good point I think it could actually be this. I tend to do that to make myself seem more ‘normal’ I suppose, as people used to make the opposite assumptions about me when I spoke about work/day to day life at work.

Same here.

People think I'm arrogant - I'm not.

Are you attractive, op??

No idea. Could it be your facial expressions or body language? Are you someone that genuinely smiles and/or come across as confident?

I find myself being asked for help by strangers or being pulled into conversation because I give an air that I know where I’m going, what I’m doing, and I’m likely not to be rude about it. I’m pretty easygoing and friendly and I think I exude that.

Saying that, I have also bothered some people with it because they assume my friendliness is fake and they seem more annoyed when it isn’t.

Impossible to say without knowing you, but I can relate!

I think in my case it's because I'm quite shy and reserved. I don't tend to offer up much about myself until I've gotten to know someone, so it's usually only patient people that get to know me. I also have a very dry sense of humor that not everyone gets.

In the past I tried to force myself to act more extraverted but I think then I just came off as trying too hard. So now I'm just myself and I let the people who get me gravitate towards me.

It used to bother me, but some people are just slow burns and I've accepted that I'm such a person.

I think most people don't want to have to put any effort in to get to know others. The confident (and/or arrogant) people who talk about themselves all day and get in peoples' faces tend to be far more successful socially than the shy nice types.

I don't know you OP, but nothing in your post sounds unlikeable at all and your job shouldn't really be relevant (but again, it's easier for people to relate to). Then again, I'm a shy quiet type and it has been a long time since anyone got beyond that (I shan't make new friends now I shouldn't think) so probably not well qualified to talk😀

@coxesorangepippin used to be reasonably attractive but not model material. Always been very slim. I’m nearly 40 now though and do feel I’ve lost most of any looks I did have! Why would any of this be relevant though?

I think your best bet is to ask one of your friends. My guess would be that you’re not very confident. Confidence is attractive but you must remember that people DO want to be your friend when they get to know you. Maybe you should relax and make sure you don’t come across as desperate. X

I can be really self deprecating and probably make comments that put myself down a bit/laugh at myself

Nobody likes this. Stop doing it.

Maybe they are like that with everyone? Like their default is to just not make an effort with new people?

Or maybe some weird social dynamic thing, like maybe you don't completely fit in on some level, so they are not as comfortable/feel like they are on familiar territory?

How people behave initially is no reflection on your character! We have all known lovely people who others just don't notice or take to right away. And others who are full of charm, but it's less than sincere.

Even if you never figure it out, I wouldn't worry too much! It's a compliment that people like you more, the more they know you.

@TheBarbieEffect 😂 fair

Same.

Ask your friends why? I was offered a reason a why by a work colleague, I come across as aloof and arrogant. I’m quiet and shy or used to be in my twenties.
Now I don’t care, I’m also fatter 🥴😂so possibly friendlier looking now? I don’t know.

I have definitely been called aloof before @Missingmyusername ! It could be that

I feel the same. Someone took a picture of me without me realising and my resting face looks fucking miserable but I cannot make it look 'happy' or 'warm' like people who seem gregarious etc. I'm generally very depressed so probably doesn't help. Watching mums on the playground and I've no idea how to do what they do, it seems so fake to me.

I have a strong resting bitch face. I’m also quite uncomfortable in large gatherings where I don’t know many people.
Pretty sure that’s why I don’t tend to have a lot of folk gravitate towards me - the difference being that I don’t actually mind!