To outright ask if friends DP doesn’t like us?

[Tangledbaby]

So I don’t know if I should or shouldn’t bother to address this.

I have a good friend of 15 years. She lives about 2 hours away. We always make an effort to meet up every couple of months and send eachother birthday and Christmas presents.

She has a DP of around 3 years who is nice enough and they live together.

On a few occasions we’ve all met up with partners for nights out and events. My DP gets on well with hers or so we thought.

A few months ago, out of the blue he deleted both me and DP off social media. We hadn’t recently met up or anything or even spoken. So it was very strange. He kept her other friends on social media.

My DP NEVER posts on social media, I think his last post was 2021. I hardly ever post other. I only really send memes and reels to friends (not him or anything).

Anyway me and DP thought it was strange but didn’t think too much of it.

Me and my friend have remained the same and still chat several times a week. She hasn’t mentioned anything to do with her DP/Us. So I didn’t bring it up.

Anyway the last two times we were due to meet up she said her DP couldn’t make it for various vague reasons.

Then this weekend we arranged to meet with DPs (instigated by her may I add). Then she said her DP had something he had to do in the morning so will meet us after. I said that was fine as late afternoon actually works better for us so we will meet them afterwards.

Today she messages to say she got her times wrong and her DP is actually now doing the whatever he was doing in the afternoon so won’t be attending but may pop by after if he’s got time.

So it’s quite clear her DP doesn’t want to see us for whatever reason.

Tbh it doesn’t majorly bother me. My own DP has his own friends and life. My and my friend have our own relationship outside of couples. So it’s no great loss.

However I do feel it’s a bit awkward and the elephant in the room with the vague excuses and her pretending to want us four to meet up when he clearly doesn’t want to.

Do I say something when we see her on the weekend? Or just leave it and play along?

It’s very strange.

Do you think it would cause drama if you just asked your friend if you'd done anything? Might be a bit of a relief for her to get everything out in the open and not have to cover any more.

On the flip side, I have a couple of friends where I meet up with them separately without partners. Nothing against them at all, but we don't have anything in common and wouldn't necessarily be friends without our shared link. Could it be something like that?

If it really doesn't matter and you know it won't affect your friendship then don't ask. If you are concerned that it might affect your friendship then ask?

yes it could maybe be a relief for her. Or the confrontation could make her uncomfortable if it’s something bad/rude on his part and make her then feel awkward? I really don’t know.

It’s so random. I think after this weekend I’ll just stick to us meeting up without DPs and if she suggests bringing partners again I’ll make excuses to not as it’s her DP that’s avoiding us.

I feel like she tries to pretend we’ll all meet up with DPs by arranging these things and him not being able to make it last minute to throw us ‘off the scent’ if that makes sense? hoping we won’t recognise he doesn’t like us if she keeps pretending he’s coming to something.

It’s really no skin off our nose. But it changes dynamic having just my DP tag along as it’s all already been arranged and her DP backs out. My DP is then a third wheel to our girl chit chat. When actually he has a lot of other things he could be spending his day off doing.

Is there not a chance that she doesn’t know he’s unfriended you both on social media and that he genuinely has made excuses to her not to come so she’s not actually covering for him?

@s4usagefingers its possible! But they do seem to have quite an open and ‘fiery’ relationship. So for example he’ll tell her if her mum is being overbearing and she’ll tell him if his kids are misbehaving etc.

But maybe he didn’t tell her. Who knows. Do you think i just shouldn’t bring it up?

I am your friend

Or I could be

My DH regularly gets off social media or deletes all but close friends

He has ZERO interest in meeting with partners of my friends. He only socialises with his own friends.

We don't socialise much as a couple as a result. We have only two couples where we're all friends

I have a lovely friend who always wants us to meet up with the husbands.... but my DH is never available

In the end I admitted my DH just doesn't socialise. So now we just meet up the 2 of us

Your friend probably wants to spare your feelings. Just take the hint and meet up without partners

You say you don't mind and it's no skin if your nose, but you seem quite hurt.

So if you want to have it out with her, also be honest about your own feelings maybe

Also, why is she responsible for his actions? Confronting her is a bit unfair.

I've been confronted by friends and I've just had to explain that he is like that with everyone.

I cannot make him do things

Some women think I should be able to make my H do things, but I don't know how. Our relationship is not like that, I would not know how to force him?!

No need to ask. It's not a big deal if he doesn't like you and doesn't want to spend time with you but it WILL be if you make her have to admit to it. Just make sure you only plan things for the two of you from now on🤷‍♀️

I’d probably say with a laugh, ‘Bob hasn’t come to anything for ages-I hope it wasn’t something Pete or I said!?’

and see what she says!

The weird thing is that she keeps instigating meet ups with your partners. Why bother? I'd probably keep quiet but if she suggests it again I'd just say look your DP has deleted us off socials and cancelled us the last few times we were supposed to meet, it seems clear he isn't into it and that's absolutely fine as means more girly drinks (or whatever) but let's just arrange for just the two of us so that it's not messing my partner around again. And then you have an avenue to talk about it and ask the reason if you want to.

What do you hope to gain by raising it?
It's not going to go well is it?

If he's not interested in you why are you bothered.

Just ask. I can't understand any of the reasons for why you wouldn't ask. The elephant in the room will grow. How can you consider eachother close friends if youre not open and honest. No one needs to get hurt by this.

I think you might be reading too much into it. Neither of you are active on social media, so deleting you isn't a surprise.

The thing is you say neither of you are really on social media anyway. It's probably not that odd to unfriend people who are never active anyway. I've certainly done it and had people unfriend me because we never really interacted. There's a possibility he may well be avoiding seeing you but if it wont affect your friendship and your DH has his own social life then there's not a great deal being lost here, is there?

Any chance they've split up and doesn't want to admit it?

Maybe you should just say your husband is busy if she suggests couples things.

Of course you should ask!

Just say "have we done anything to upset name of DP, we noticed he deleted us off Facebook and he seems to be avoiding us?"

Leave your DP at home then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you've read the situation exactly right - he doesn't like one or both of you, but she feels awkward and tries to cover it up. Give her a break and don't say anything if you're not arsed. Who cares what he thinks? Tell her your husband can't make it anyway and see her yourself. Job done, no dramas.

There's a reason but it us usually one you don't want to know. You are either a 'lower' class than he or too much of an 'upper' class for him. You either have too much or too little money.

He clearly doesn't want to spend time with you so let him go off in his huff.

I would ask as it can become a bit awkward each time you and your friend meet.
I had something similar in my friendship group. My dh and my friends dh had a heated discussion one night, and her dh said something which really upset. He decided to not contact her dh and hasn't. This isn't the first time it's happened, but it's the longest they've gone without speaking and I am not sure they ever will again tbh. It makes me and my friend sad as we used to get together a fair amount.
She did ask me the first time what has happened between our dhs and I said what I knew and she said what she knew, was pretty much the same. It was really awkward seeing her the first few times after their spat as I was waiting for her to say something, or thinking this time she'll say this is our friendship over, which is daft as we have known each other forever. This time she asked and is again sad about not being able to do the couple things we used to do, but we will still do stuff together which is important.

There is absolutely nothing in the OP's posts to suggest that his (possible) disinclination to meet the OP and her partner has anything to do with social class or money. What a weird comment. Do you think these are the only viable reasons for disliking someone?

It’s really no skin off our nose. But it changes dynamic having just my DP tag along as it’s all already been arranged and her DP backs out. My DP is then a third wheel to our girl chit chat. When actually he has a lot of other things he could be spending his day off doing.

This is what strikes me as weird in your posts, OP. If neither your DP or her DP actually wants to get together, why on earth would they -- isn't her DP just being more upfront about not doing it? Or are you saying that your DP does like hers and is hurt that the other guy doesn't want to get together?

Basically, why are any of you engaging in this? Only two of you are friends and actually want to see one another! DH and I do see people together, but only if they're actual friends of both of ours, plus I doubt either of our conversation is that gendered!

I'm saying there is a reason but it might not be obvious, I'm suggesting some possibilities.

Do you think these are the only viable reasons for disliking someone?

Of course not. Have you been drinking? 🍸

@VictoriaVenkman, you literally said:

There's a reason but it us usually one you don't want to know. You are either a 'lower' class than he or too much of an 'upper' class for him. You either have too much or too little money.

I mean, maybe the OP laughs like a horse, or her DP talks endlessly about football, or they have an altar to Jacob Rees-Mogg in their house.

Those were possible examples. Not an exhaustive list. Please keep up!

I have been in your friends position.

My husband has a chronic illness. Sometimes is hidden for years at a time, sometimes it's more obvious. In either situation he has limited energy and limited time to do "life". If you sleep 15 hours a day that really cuts down on possibilities.

So yeah he really can not be arsed meeting up with husbands of my friends. They don't have much in common, and he doesn't want to have to prioritise spending time with them over other things (even if it's just resting and conserving energy for something else).
I have a friend who's husband has insomnia. He can be full of beans or If he hasn't been sleeping then absolutely flakes out.
Perhaps it's that - she makes plans when he's "well" but then when it comes to it he's not.