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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH telling DC plans I've not agreed to

20 replies

teaforall · 07/09/2023 12:34

I'm am running on lack of sleep due to heat/DC sleeping badly so I really didn't handle this well.

A while ago, he laid out plans on the kitchen table in front of our DC (7&8) telling them all about our exciting extension to mean separate bedrooms for them and that it may or may not happen. I am still considering it due to cost and it would change our house massively. He keeps bringing it up in front of them and they are all excitement and questions.

I asked him to stop talking about it in front of them as a. we haven't been given the go from the council and b. I hadn't said a full yes to it all yet. He apologised but I said surely that's a 100% adult decision and they do not need to be involved at this stage.

I also asked him to stop giving DC his phone in the mornings to do times tables 5 mins before we leave as I have to drive them to school and it's a bad time. They ask him for it/or just go on his phone then they take ages to get off it and we are rushing. I've asked him this several times before and he says he just forgets and it's ok really as it's school work.

He says I blame him for everything as I tell him after the event like it's all his fault. I feel like I can't bring stuff up as he dismisses me so I end up putting my opinion across after things have happened. I ended up shouting at him in frustration as he walked off. I'm not a shouty person. I am running on empty.

He says he can't keep hearing me repeating stuff. I say I wouldn't have to if you keep doing it. Classic.

OP posts:

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 12:40

Poor bloke

Original poster

teaforall · 07/09/2023 13:01

I know I've mucked up but I've had lost 4 hours sleep a night for the last week.

But surely it's not unreasonable to ask your DH to do something that will make everything easier for all? I don't know.

OP posts:

Hufflepods · 07/09/2023 13:07

What is the issue with them doing times tables on his phone for 5 mins before you leave?
*I feel like I can't bring stuff up as he dismisses me so I end up putting my opinion across after things have happened. I ended up shouting at him in frustration as he walked off. I'm not a shouty person. I am running on empty.

He says he can't keep hearing me repeating stuff. I say I wouldn't have to if you keep doing it. Classic.*

It sounds like you think you need to have the final decision even for pretty minor things and his parenting should always come second to yours honestly.

I can't believe you turned something so minor into a big shouting episode.

Tohaveandtohold · 07/09/2023 13:14

They both seem so minor to me that I can’t see why you have to shout at your husband for these ‘in frustration’. For the first example, just explain to DC that the council still needs to approve it and you need to check the cost. For the second example, I can’t see any issue with it, maybe because my child also does Timetables on the school run when were driving to school. You simply just leave when it’s time to go.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 07/09/2023 13:19

I think you are being unreasonable here OP - you sound like you snapped for no reason. Why cant YOU just tell the kids its pending approval and costs. Husband sounds excited that's all. Why are you not having discussions as a family? Times table thing is a non issue - youre the mum, tell them to get off or they dont get it tomorrow. Sounds like your making a big deal out of nothing here and you just want to shout at him. Unless massive backstory about how awful he is and how he is abusive and a narcissist - i cant see it. Sorry!

Whattodo112222 · 07/09/2023 13:23

He's brow beaten..

towriteyoumustlive · 07/09/2023 13:24

Regarding the extension, then if you decide not to go ahead, then he can be the one to tell them why. No big deal and it's nice for the kids to have the potential excitement of bigger bedrooms.

The phone thing is annoying, but I'd just tell the child to get in the car with the phone then he can have his phone back when you see him again. If that's inconvenient then he'll remember not to give his phone out.

Colinswheels · 07/09/2023 13:27

I have to wonder at your choice of language regarding the decision over the extension. Surely you are both considering it together? Sounds as if your husband is excited at the idea and you are holding back on giving it the final go ahead.

Original poster

teaforall · 07/09/2023 13:30

Yes I'm not sure yet. He's a wonderful husband and father. We were in a good cop bad cop role a while ago but that's it.

OP posts:

Original poster

teaforall · 07/09/2023 13:31

When I tell him my concerns about it, he's says 'I don't see it like that'.

OP posts:

Ghostjail · 07/09/2023 13:36

Issue 1- it is good for kids to be involved in big changes in the family and even if they don't end up happening it is important for children to understand that sometimes you can't get exactly what you want and might have to compromise or not get it at all.

Issue 2- I get it. Mornings are fraught and it's not unreasonable to be annoyed when you have told him that the kids being given a phone is disruptive to getting them out the door and he still does it any way.

I would have a family meeting this afternoon - put your hands up and apologise for shouting but telling the team that you all need some morning rules to help you all get out on time. Everyone can contribute and make an agreement. This could be extended to more general house rules. If he (and the children) is involved in creating some boundaries he will feel less like he is having to live by yours.

Please don't be too hard on yourself about losing it. Most of us have at some point.

pastaandpesto · 07/09/2023 13:38

I disagree with PPs. Getting the children excited about something that you haven't yet agreed and may not even happen is completely unnecessary. Why do that? What is to be gained by it?

And distracting them right before they are due to leave for school when he's not the one who is responsible for actually getting them there on time? Totally out of order imo.

I'm not surprised you're pissed off OP, you're the one having to be the sensible grown up and he's acting like another child.

Ghostjail · 07/09/2023 13:38

...and making him come up with some boundaries in front of the children equalises things a bit in terms of good cop/bad cop. It's not a healthy dynamic for anyone.

Original poster

teaforall · 07/09/2023 13:49

Getting the children excited about something that you haven't yet agreed and may not even happen is completely unnecessary. This is how I felt this morning.

We've all talked before about what would make mornings easier and what works for our family. I suggested screens off before they get ready as it causes arguments between them. He previously agreed screen time slows everyone down at 8:25. I've got to drive into heavy traffic and I don't want the extra stress of them not wanting to get off the phone to put shoes on. I think that's fair.

OP posts:

Original poster

teaforall · 07/09/2023 13:50

I didn't shout in front of the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

teaforall · 07/09/2023 14:02

If he (and the children) is involved in creating some boundaries he will feel less like he is having to live by yours.

You're right. He hates saying no which is where it's fallen to me in the past.

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 07/09/2023 14:05

So when he discusses the extension leave him to it. If it doesn’t happen he can explain he got it wrong

as to the phone you ask once more with the vacate that if you do it again you take the kids to school. If he does do it again walk away and say dads taking you to school. Each and every time

MoorlandWanderer · 07/09/2023 14:06

I don’t understand the PPs. He sounds like a child. It’s unfair on the kids to talk to them about exciting things if it’s not definite yet. And it’s just fucking stupid to hand a device to a child 5 mins before the other parent needs them out of the house.

Snoken · 07/09/2023 14:28

I think he sounds like a fun parent. I don't see the harm in discussing things like a possible extension with the kids. It will impact their lives too. If it doesn't go ahead you just explain that. Not sure why there needs to be such secrecy about that.

Re the phone before you leave, I guess that would depend on if they are all ready to go or if they still have to brush their teeth, get their uniforms on or whatever. If those 5 minutes is needed for something else then I can see why it would be annoying.

Original poster

teaforall · 08/09/2023 11:24

I think it's less confusing all round if we say got a great surprise for you now it's all final. He talks them through the finer details of what's going on then there's a million questions. They are 7 and 8.

We had a family meeting a while ago about mornings. We agreed no screens after 8am so they can get ready. I've got one child who gets ready quickly and worries he's gonna be late and one who is still in his pants reading and takes lots of chivvying. I've never handed a device to them 5 mins before he's leaving to take them to sports practice etc as I know what a ballache it is getting kids out the door on time anyway. I've told him if he wants to give them a device then walk off to get ready for work, then the rest is up to him.

I've been trying to let things go (so not saying things at the time) and relax so that we don't undermine each other in front of the kids and pick my battles but if something has bothered me, I've been bringing it up the next morning /next evening so we can talk away from them. I bring them up calmly then he gets annoyed that I'm telling him my opinion on something and he says I'm blaming him for something that's going wrong after it's happened. I then end up cross because I'm shattered after 4 hours sleep. We are usually such a good team but this is a pattern and I need to break it. We have talked and I just need to take him to the side at the time and say perhaps XYC.

OP posts:

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