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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex told dd about my savings account for her

24 replies

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/09/2023 07:36

I'm not sure what I want typing this, as it can't be undone but I'm so bloody pissed off I need a rant.

My DD is 15 and ever since she's been born, I've paid an amount into a savings account for her to get when she's 18. She's not been aware of this, as I wanted it to be a surprise and haven't always paid the same amount in so don't have an accurate picture of how much it will be (i also don't want her relying on the lump sum early) I'm hoping it will be enough to help her with her first car or at least the insurance.

I've been divorced from my ex since my dd was about 6, one of the reasons was he's extremely selfish with money. Because of this we had separate finances in the end and he wasn't aware of the savings account. So the money going in was from my disposable money and not family money.

I told my ex about the savings account a few months ago (we were talking finances as she's now 50/50 with us both) and asked him not to say anything to her as she didn't know (looking back I could kick myself).

Anyway, my dd came home from seeing him and mentioned that she'd been having a conversation with her df, his gf and dc and he told her about the savings account. This came about because his gf was telling her dc about money she'd saved for her dc that they would get when 18, and he mentioned it then. If I'm feeling generous he did it so she wouldn't feel left out, in reality it's because he didn't want to look like he'd not thought to do the same in front of his gf and her kids.

But I'm sooo fucking angry with him, firstly it wasn't his place to tell her, he's never paid a penny into it (don't get me started on the cm he'd under paid for years), and if he was so bothered about her having an account he could have done the same for her. Plus she's no idea how much so I've had to sit down and manage her expectations on the amount. Im also angry at myself for trusting him with this, hindsight is wonderful thing but I should have known better

OP posts:

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 07/09/2023 07:37

Honestly, I think you're massively overreacting here.

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 07:40

I think it wasn't his place to tell, since you'd specifically said not to. It's not overreacting to be pissed off at him.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 07/09/2023 07:41

I agree with @andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow, although I would be annoyed. It's pretty standard for parents to have a savings account for their dc. I think all you needed to do was correct her and let her know that the money is from you, not you and her dad.

Flickersy · 07/09/2023 07:42

If the only reason for not telling her was because you wanted it to be a surprise then it's a shame, but it's all one to your DD who ultimately this is about.

If you didn't want to tell her because you had it earmarked for university, a house deposit, a car, then tell her that.

Pottedpalm · 07/09/2023 07:42

I wouldn’t have told him.

RavingStyle · 07/09/2023 07:42

What a twunt he is.

Tell him you've told your DD that he's also got her an account, an even bigger one, so he'll have to stump something up in a couple of years, too!

widowtwankywashroom · 07/09/2023 07:43

I think him telling her came from a good place, being generous here, he didn't want her to feel left out
Be honest with her, its only you who has contributed

MidnightOnceMore · 07/09/2023 07:44

He's a dick but I'd just try to focus on your DD. Tell her it was to be discussed when she turns 18 so you can help if there's something she wants to do, that it was something special you wanted to do for her.

Don't let him spoil a good thing. Just make it clear it was your doing.

Barbiesback · 07/09/2023 07:49

I wouldn't of told him. What has your DD actually said? Just play it down and say you've not managed to save much as your father didn't contribute enough over the years. Swiftly move on!

Lesson learnt OP. I won't be telling my ex I have a savings account for our DC!

Dascha · 07/09/2023 07:52

I understand why you're furious at him, it wasn't his news to tell. I imagine you have put a lot of hard work into putting this fund together for her with this goal of a big reveal at 18 in mind. Now you have had that taken away from you.

However it's like throwing a surprise party or giving someone a surprise holiday. The surprise might add a cherry on top but knowing about it and being able to enjoy the anticipation is just as good really - some would say even better.

DD will be absolutely fine knowing it's coming. My kids know they have some savings coming but not how much - I think a lot of children are in this position. They're being given free money, it's all good. But you've every right to be cross at him for taking that reveal moment that you'd been looking forward to away from you.

HeadNorth · 07/09/2023 07:53

What a pathetic twunt your ex is, trying to muscle in on your financial consideration for your DD's future.
When you explain to your DD that it is not that much money, be clear that is because dickhead (obviously don't use that word) never put a penny in.

fairyfluf · 07/09/2023 07:56

He was in a tricky spot. I think it's odd they would all discuss his GF's kids finances in front of her. But no he shouldn't have done it

RagzRebooted · 07/09/2023 07:58

Most kids this age have those government child trust fund things, so are expecting at least a small amount at 18. They discuss it with friends, so tend to ask parents anyway, if they haven't been told. Also, at 16 they have to take ownership of the account. I doubt you'd have made it to 18 without her asking.
Mine all know about theirs as I've discussed with them what it should/could be used for (it's only about £1k). Managing expectations so they don't plan to blow it all!

Hufflepods · 07/09/2023 07:59

Since she already knows now is a good to to consider what you want this money to go towards and if you are happy for it to be frittered away or you would like it to go to something bigger, a uni laptop, a car, towards a house deposit, and start having this discussion with your DD.
Giving her a lump sum at 18 might not be the best move.

The thing with your ex telling her to compete with his GF is annoying but ultimately minor, the surprise is the smaller element compared to actually giving her the money so just try not to dwell on it, it can’t be changed now.

CherryCokeFanatic · 07/09/2023 08:18

Grow up

Tinkerbyebye · 07/09/2023 08:21

Ok it was t his place to tell her, but YOU told him so your reaction is over the top

just make it clear when you speak to her the money is from you only, not him, and she gets it possibly at 18 and there is no need to discuss it further

and now you know not to discuss with him anything you dont want passing on

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/09/2023 08:23

RavingStyle · 07/09/2023 07:42

What a twunt he is.

Tell him you've told your DD that he's also got her an account, an even bigger one, so he'll have to stump something up in a couple of years, too!

😂😂

isthewashingdryyet · 07/09/2023 09:56

Is it in your name or hers, cos if it is in your name it is your money so you can dole it out as she needs it.
if in her name, it is a good idea to start now planning how to spend it wisely, and not on a holiday to Spain

sueelleker · 07/09/2023 10:02

I'm wondering if he's hoping she'll give him some of the money.

Stratocumulus · 07/09/2023 10:04

Learn to keep your mouth shut.

Only ever tell anyone (your ex, neighbours, colleagues, friends) anything on a “need to know basis.” If it’s private information about anything, say nothing. Don’t share. Be discrete.

Stay away from conversations with your ex if he can’t be trusted.

Meanwhile, , what’s done is done. Lessons learned.

evtheria · 07/09/2023 10:36

I'd have said something like "I don't know why he's told you this. I started saving when you were born, he's had nothing to do with it. I wanted it to be a surprise for you when you're an adult, to help you out."

Only so she is perfectly aware you've put in the effort to make this fund, it's not been two parents putting money away.

evtheria · 07/09/2023 10:37

RavingStyle · 07/09/2023 07:42

What a twunt he is.

Tell him you've told your DD that he's also got her an account, an even bigger one, so he'll have to stump something up in a couple of years, too!

🤣🤣🤣

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/09/2023 10:51

Stratocumulus · 07/09/2023 10:04

Learn to keep your mouth shut.

Only ever tell anyone (your ex, neighbours, colleagues, friends) anything on a “need to know basis.” If it’s private information about anything, say nothing. Don’t share. Be discrete.

Stay away from conversations with your ex if he can’t be trusted.

Meanwhile, , what’s done is done. Lessons learned.

This.

caringcarer · 07/09/2023 12:01

RavingStyle · 07/09/2023 07:42

What a twunt he is.

Tell him you've told your DD that he's also got her an account, an even bigger one, so he'll have to stump something up in a couple of years, too!

🤣🤣

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