By staying with someone who doesn’t love me

[Mustbemadme]

My not so DH is gaslighting me and has been doing so for 10+ years. I’ve always known it’s not right but stupidly have stayed for the DCs to have us together. This sounds terrible but I wish he would beat me black and blue rather than the emotional stuff as I could defend myself maybe. He’s in my head. I have been here before and almost gone through with it and he’s talked me round. It’s guilt on my kids that’s keeping me here. i don’t feel strong enough to do it but I can’t keep living like this. He’s destroying me. I don’t want to leave and up root the DCs, the explosion of a fall out in front of them is enough to make me stay. Anyone ever stayed for a quiet ish life and just adjusted who they are to not rock the boat?

I’m sorry OP this sounds awful. Emotional abuse is very much still abuse. In what way does he gaslight you?
Do you have any real life support? Or you could call Womens Aid for advice?

It doesn't sound like you're just staying within someone who doesn't love you. You're staying with someone who is destroying your sense of self and self esteem. That's not ok.

OP, honestly, your dcs do not want you to be unhappy. They need a happy cheerful mum who is modelling good relationship choices to help them in the future.

Don't ever feel guilted into staying for the dcs. They will be fully aware of what is happening, so if you can find the strength to leave, don't worry or feel guilty.

'Just adjusted who they are' I definitely pretended I didn't have needs in my last relationship to try and keep the peace. I became a shell of myself

Your children need a happy flourishing mother. You don't sound confident enough to leave now- please confide in a close friend so they can help you x

It could be little things like the reason we’ve argued today is because I did/said the things I did. He goads me and then if I show weakness he will really go in and tell me how weak I am and what a bad mum I am for being upset and making it all about me as usual etc etc. He blames me for anything that might break at home or anything that might go missing. That’s my fault for being too disorganised/ rushing/ too glued to your phone. The thing which hurts the most is the name calling. I know all couples argue and names are a part of that surely, the usual cow, twat etc but he gets personal. Calls me fat, lazy, shit mum etc. never apologises just makes me feel like I deserved the outbreak.
mum just so scared to let that bomb off in the children’s life as I know he will make it so very hard.

@Mustbemadme, your H is a sadistic bully who is crushing your spirit and harming your children. Living in this verbally/emotionally violent home will be damaging them. They’re absorbing a terribly dysfunctional relationship model, and are at risk of becoming bullies or abuse victims themselves.

I hope you will find the strength (via IC, Freedom Programme, etc.) to leave this brute. You and the children deserve a happy, peaceful, emotionally safe home.

Put your children first and leave

All couples do argue but not all couples revert to name calling like children when they do it - my dh has never called me a name when we argue (rarely)

He’s been abusive for so long it’s probably hard to see what’s acceptable op but none of it is; and you’re shaping your children’s views of how relationships work - what would you tell one of them in your position?

Ask the women here whose mothers found the strength to save them from abusive coercive controllers as children whether they would rather have stayed.

And ask the women whose mothers stayed if they wish they had been saved.

Stay - or save?

It's your choice.

And it's terrifying and hard.

There is help.

Everything starts with just one little step.

Start by contacting Women's Aid. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

You say you're scared to "let the bomb off" in the children's life but do you not think what they're currently witnessing is having a profound affect on them?

By staying you are subjecting them to daily abuse by watching their mum being abused emotionally.

Thank you everyone. I know deep down that it’s not right and my children will suffer. If I was an outsider I would have said all of the above advice too. I just haven’t got the strength to go through with it. It’s fear. It’s guilt. It’s consuming me.

If you have a daughter she will probably end up in an abusive relationship similar to the one you're currently in. If you have a son he will probably end up treating his girlfriend in the same abusive way your husband treats you. Is this what you want for your children?

Children are more resilient than you think.
I left with my daughters who were age 2 and 10 at the time and was best thing ever. Your H ( Won't say DH because no darling about him sounds just like my ex H.
My daughters became happier because l was happier.
Do it before you have a nervous breakdown.. your children need you now.. a happy mum.
Phone womens aid.

OP I have been in your situation and I don’t want to minimise how difficult this is but trust me the damage that remaining with an abuser has on your kids far far exceeds the damage from uprooting them.

Thibk about what they are learning and internalising about what adult relationships are and how men treat women and children.

I know it’s terrifying. That doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do.

Talk to Women’s Aid. Do it for your kids if you can’t do it for yourself.

As you know, by staying with him you're training your children to accept this abusive dysfunctional existence. You're modelling how relationships should be to them. Hopefully you want better for them?

My advice.

You will think you can endure. You will think you can grey rock. You can’t and one day the tipping point will come. Then there will be only one thing you can do and that will be to leave. There will be no choice you will just know that you just can’t put up with it a moment longer. The later you leave it, the worse your self esteem will be and the harder your recovery will be.

Please take this from someone who was married 34 years and should have left 10 years before I did.

Accept the fact you will leave sooner or later. Get your ‘ducks in a row’. Know where all the money is, check your state and work? pensions. Look up wikivorce. See if you can get a free consultation with a solicitor. If you know what the finances will look like you can face the future better.

I started by saying I was unhappy and wanted to start couples counselling or we would have to divorce. He said fuck off and get your divorce. It may have been a bluff,I don’t know.

Im reading a brilliant book called the Verbally Abusive Relationship.

You need to find the strength to leave him. Your DC will have absorbed your relationship and think it's Normal for a man to gaslight and belittle his wife.

Thank you all. Of course I wouldn’t want my children to end up in a marriage like mine. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but I’m just terrified of the journey. So much destruction. Thanks again. I will talk to woman’s aid for some help.

You feel that you are staying for the sake of the children - but they are witness to a steady drip drip of a pathological relationship. If you want them to grow up whole, mentally healthy and able to engage in positive relationships they need you to take control of this situation. I know that leaving is a massive step but believe me it is not in the children's best interests to expose them to this sorry situation.

" ....but stupidly have stayed for the DCs to have us together." The last thing they need is you two together - look what they are learning from that. If you have a girl she is learning that it is OK to roll over and be treated like this; if you have a boy he will be learning that this is how women should be treated.

Talk to women's aid - please do. I am sorry you are in this dreadful situation. What is the matter with these men?

I will talk to woman’s aid for some help.

I'm glad. It feels like even contacting them is a huge step but it's not really, it's just a phone call. They won't rush you to do anything you're not ready to do, they understand how hard it is to leave an abuser. They will support you. As will we, please keep posting if you need to

Please do ask Womens aid.

But also OP lots of women stay because of the "broken home" fallacy.

The home is already broken for your DC. You will fix it by leaving.