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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not reduce my working hours?

26 replies

fr4zzledmum · 06/09/2023 21:31

For background, I have a DD(5). I worked full time until mat leave, had 10 months off, then returned full time. I work in an office in administration.

Even when pregnant with DD, I had never considered dropping any days/hours on my return as (simply) I didn't want to. There were also considerations with my DH, as he has only just recently moved from a casual contract to a permanent one (although always managed to wing full time hours). We are not well off but are comfortable, with the two incomes. We could make it work reducing hours and pay.

Upon my return to work, we were lucky that MIL was happy to prove 2 days of childcare and then 2-3 days were provided by a nursery (my DH sometimes had a day off in the week).

In the past few months, I've heard comments from my in laws on a couple of occasions along the lines of whether it was in a child's best interest for parents to work full time. My sister was also shocked when she realised I'd never reduced my hours. And recently, my MIL asked me if I was going to drop a day at work now - to which I replied wouldn't make any send as DD is now in full time school so I'd be sat doing nothing.

I'm quite lucky that I can work hybridly and and our organisation has a flexi system of working which allows me to do pick ups and drop offs.

We have begun thinking about TTC and I had been considering a temporary reduction in working days to help reduce childcare costs in the first couple of years.

But was I wrong not to consider for my first DC?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 06/09/2023 21:33

Don’t go part time if you’re going to have another period of maternity leave, your pay will be less

Barely anyone I know has dropped hours after returning to work

but it’s really no one else’s business

Hufflepods · 06/09/2023 21:33

In the past few months, I've heard comments from my in laws on a couple of occasions along the lines of whether it was in a child's best interest for parents to work full time.

Point out that their son also works full time so does he not consider the best interests of his child?

It’s got fuck all to do with your in-laws, many women choose to work full time.

hby9628 · 06/09/2023 21:35

Nope not at all. I reduced mine because of childcare costs & that was my preference at the time but many many parents use full time childcare. I'm back to working full time now both my kids are in school. Don't even worry about it.

Olika · 06/09/2023 21:35

There are always relatives sticking their nose in with their opinions. You do whatever you and your DH decide is best for your family. If you are TTC then don't go part time though. Maybe after your maternity leave you can.

PinkRoses1245 · 06/09/2023 21:35

It’s no one’s business but yours and DHs. And I bet they aren’t asking DH why he hasn’t reduced his hours. Don’t reduce now if you’re hoping for another baby, stay full time to get max maternity pay

converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 21:40

It’s no one’s business but yours and DHs

Well MIL provided 2 days childcare so I do actually think she has the right to comment. Maybe she doesn't feel up to 2 days but is concerned that baby will go into full time child care again.

Can DH drop to 4 days? I know it's controversial but I think it's exhausting for babies & toddlers to do FT nursery.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/09/2023 21:46

converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 21:40

It’s no one’s business but yours and DHs

Well MIL provided 2 days childcare so I do actually think she has the right to comment. Maybe she doesn't feel up to 2 days but is concerned that baby will go into full time child care again.

Can DH drop to 4 days? I know it's controversial but I think it's exhausting for babies & toddlers to do FT nursery.

Wtaf

Original poster
fr4zzledmum · 06/09/2023 21:49

converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 21:40

It’s no one’s business but yours and DHs

Well MIL provided 2 days childcare so I do actually think she has the right to comment. Maybe she doesn't feel up to 2 days but is concerned that baby will go into full time child care again.

Can DH drop to 4 days? I know it's controversial but I think it's exhausting for babies & toddlers to do FT nursery.

MIL has not provided us with 2 childcare days for over a year - DD was in half day school and playgroup the school year just gone, so MIL kindly did two school pick ups a week.

The same going forward - as DD is now in full time school, it would just be the two school pick ups.

I'll make it clear that we've always encouraged MIL to let us know if it's too much and we always made it clear that childcare was our responsibility.

Also, no one knows we have been thinking about TTC and so MIL has not been (and wouldn't be asked) to be provide the same level of childcare she did for our DD.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 21:55

@ShirleyPhallus

Upon my return to work, we were lucky that MIL was happy to prove 2 days of childcare and then 2-3 days were provided by a nursery (my DH sometimes had a day off in the week).

It says in the OP that MIL provided 2 days childcare 🤷🏻‍♀️

converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 21:57

@fr4zzledmum

MIL has not provided us with 2 childcare days for over a year

That's not what you said initially. Also it implies she did at some point provide 2 days. Maybe she doesn't feel up to doing that again.

Original poster
fr4zzledmum · 06/09/2023 22:01

converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 21:57

@fr4zzledmum

MIL has not provided us with 2 childcare days for over a year

That's not what you said initially. Also it implies she did at some point provide 2 days. Maybe she doesn't feel up to doing that again.

Pedantic. Apologies I left that sentence off..

TO CLARIFY:
Yes MIL provided 2 days childcare (which I have already stated). This was from when DD was 10 months until 3.5yrs when she started part time school.

:)

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 22:24

So MIL did provide childcare for 2 and a half years for 2 days a week? That's a big commitment. Maybe she doesn't fancy being tied down again. I think she is entitled to an opinion. It would be different if you didn't plan to ask for her help.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/09/2023 08:36

converseandjeans · 06/09/2023 21:55

@ShirleyPhallus

Upon my return to work, we were lucky that MIL was happy to prove 2 days of childcare and then 2-3 days were provided by a nursery (my DH sometimes had a day off in the week).

It says in the OP that MIL provided 2 days childcare 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I’m aware of that. It doesn’t mean that the MIL is entitled to a view on whether the OP should give up work days

Childhoodmemories · 07/09/2023 08:41

I suspect the comments from your in laws are more to do with they are getting older and the prospect of another 4 years of babysitting is daunting. If you are going to stay full time look into alternative care provision

WimpoleHat · 07/09/2023 08:47

It doesn’t mean that the MIL is entitled to a view on whether the OP should give up work days

Of course she isn’t - in the abstract. But if she’s the one who’s going to be called upon to pick up any problems that arise from the decision (holiday childcare, school pickups), then it’s a different kettle of fish because it does affect her. If the OP and her DH are confident that they can manage
entirely without her help, then of course it’s entirely their own decision and they are well within their rights to tell MIL to keep her nose out.

MintJulia · 07/09/2023 08:55

Yanbu. It is no concern of your in/laws or your sister. Whatever works for your family is best.

Don't reduce hours before maternity leave, and make it clear right from the start that you will return to full time as soon as dc2 is in school.

I'm a single mum, have worked full time since my ds was 1. If you find a good childminder, your child will be happy stimulated and well socialised. And you will be more financially secure and probably happier since you enjoy your job.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/09/2023 08:59

WimpoleHat · 07/09/2023 08:47

It doesn’t mean that the MIL is entitled to a view on whether the OP should give up work days

Of course she isn’t - in the abstract. But if she’s the one who’s going to be called upon to pick up any problems that arise from the decision (holiday childcare, school pickups), then it’s a different kettle of fish because it does affect her. If the OP and her DH are confident that they can manage
entirely without her help, then of course it’s entirely their own decision and they are well within their rights to tell MIL to keep her nose out.

Where did you get that from in anything that OP has said?

6ampatrol · 07/09/2023 09:03

So what would your realistic plans be following a second baby OP? MIL has him / her for 2 days a week again? Full time nursery?

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 07/09/2023 09:08

I went back to full time work after both children. I had no option as part time wasn't available and we needed my salary. As my marriage broke down, I was very glad that I was in full time work later on. Ignore the mil comment

Brefugee · 07/09/2023 09:09

Say to MIL "oh yes it would be so great if DH dropped hours" then carry on with your carreer

Original poster
fr4zzledmum · 07/09/2023 10:06

6ampatrol · 07/09/2023 09:03

So what would your realistic plans be following a second baby OP? MIL has him / her for 2 days a week again? Full time nursery?

Again, we're early stages of our consideration to TTC and haven't told anyone. For info, I've been very vocal about not having another, so MIL wouldn't have jn her head about our childcare needs.

I would most likely reduce my working days to four and my DH would have a set day off in the week (as he works weekends). So we'd then look to pay for private paid nursery for three days.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 07/09/2023 10:10

*MIL has not provided us with 2 childcare days for over a year - DD was in half day school and playgroup the school year just gone, so MIL kindly did two school pick ups a week.

The same going forward - as DD is now in full time school, it would just be the two school pick ups.*

@ShirleyPhallus - she’s distinctly said that MIL used to do childcare, now does two pickups and is expecting her to carry on with that.

Cantstaystuckforever · 07/09/2023 10:12

Many of the reasons that people reduce their hours don't apply to you, if you can already do dropoff/pickup around full time work and aren't spending a fortune on childcare.

Agree with PPs that your MIL doesn't get to suggest you drop hours, especially assuming she's no longer doing any regular weekly childcare (is that right?). Even if she is, she's totally within her rights to say that she would like to stop, but not to say you should be the one to drop hours.

converseandjeans · 07/09/2023 22:12

@WimpoleHat I agree. I don't why people are saying I have made statements up! I thought I was going mad.

Wallywobbles · 07/09/2023 22:24

It's cultural. In my culture (France) maternity leave is 13 weeks and I've only known 2 people to take the extended (3 year) version. It totally fucks your pension amongst other things.

My British DSis was shocked. However her own DD1 has also gone back full time after DC2.