To ask for help supporting teen soon through likely bereavement

[OggieOggieOggie]

DS is 16 and one of his best friends since primary has stage 4 incurable cancer. DS doesn’t know the full extent because we have very much tried to let them be teens together. But his friend has stage 4 cancer & while he seems relatively healthy at the moment, he’s probably going to
deteriorate.

Its AWFUL on all fronts - how do we support him through this? Would appreciate any advice you have 💐

Start by telling him the truth firstly so he can prepare. He’s 16 nearly and adult.
stage 4 cancer isn’t pretty if he is going to maintain that friendship he needs to be prepared. Allow them to have the time together to do things now rather than have regrets that they didn’t do the things they said they were going to do.

Sending lots of love to you and your son. I think telling him the truth is crucial, and talking through how they might make memories. School might have a counsellor too. Such an awful situation x

Get in touch with Winston's Wish.

I was very honest with DS, told him what to expect, his friend needed someone who knew the full story. Someone his own age to talk to. It was still horrific when he died, a double blow for DS as his grandmother died only 36hrs later. The boys have thrown themselves into fundraising for his friends foundation for the homeless, it has really helped. They talk about him all the time and laugh at how they believe he would react to things. But we’re Irish and I do think we have a different approach to death than across the water.

Does his friend know he's terminally ill? It's his friend's decision how much DS is told if he does know.

I agree his friend needs to be in control of how much your son is told, and also, stage 4 terminal cancer is not an necessarily and instant death sentence, I know many people who have lived with this for years. My own father lived with stage 4 incurable cancer for 8 years and I have known people live longer

If the friend is doing reasonably well at the moment and living normally, he may well not want your son to treat him differently and/or behave more awkwardly around him.

I don't think there's any point in getting deeper into things until the friend's condition deteriorates. There's nothing to be gained from your son being given any more information than his friend wants to share with him. And since the friend is 16 I'd respect him by letting him having control of what he wants to share, frankly.

Don't over think it, don't take over the information sharing. It's not your story to share. Let them both be until things change for the worse.

Oh, and if I was the 16 year old's parent, I'd not thank you for saying anything to your son that might affect their friendship and consequently my son's well-being.

He's healthy at the moment. Don't stir things up.

I think I'd have a conversation with the friends parents and be led by them. At some stage they will need, and likely want, your son to know.

It is, as you say, beyond awful. If I could erase a memory from my history it would be living through end stage cancer with my way too young best friend. Your child does need to be helped through this. It's an horrific experience, but like so many "cometh the hour". If he's helped, he can be a help.

@hectica i’m not trying to ‘stir’- I am trying to find the best route through a terrible situation.

Why do you know but your son doesn't - has the friend not told your DS himself?

I would not hide something from my child in this way, I think. You are not sparing him any pain.

Stirring might not be your intention, but you would be stirring things up. At the moment the boy seems to be in calm waters. If your son starts behaving differently with him due to the information you want to give him, you will have stirred those waters.

You need to be led by the friend ot by what you think. Had the friend shared he has stage 4 cancer? If not then it’s not your place to tell your son? If the friend has shared it or is happy for your son to know then be factual - he has stage 4 cancer, it means it’s incurable. Currently he’s living with it and as far as we know he’s reasonably well at the moment. However there may be a pint when he isn’t well and that the situation may change.

as a previous poster said, people can live with stage 4 cancer for days to many years and there’s no date on the dairy for when you will die. I wouldn’t get into the details of death at the moment if it doesn’t look like it’s round the corner.

explain its incurable, it may be controlled longer term it may not but we somply don’t know and yes he may die but he isn’t currently and we should cross that bridge if and when it looks like things are changing

I get that you want to protect your son. But you need to be led by the other family. I am the other family ( see my user name). I do not want my child treated differently. I want a stable ‘normal’ life for as long as is humanely possible. So many friendships ‘lost’ along the way. Don’t stir things up unnecessarily/until the boy or his family mention it. You interpret ‘stir’ as a negative, it just means change/interfere. Very little is stable or reliable in this boy’s life. Let your son continue to be that stable reliable thing.

I wouldn't tell your ds anything without knowing what his friend and his family want. Maybe talk to the pastoral care people at school?

You shouldn't be preparing him for anything, unless his friend or his parents say that he is terminal.

Has your son's friend's family said anything?

Unless you have permission then say nothing.

The less drama the better.
Allow the friend to live well for as long as he can.
Support your son to be the best friend he can be.
There will be plenty of time to grieve but that is for later.

I agree with this

As @fairyfluf say. The family may not want everybody knowing that their son is terminally ill, it definitely isn’t your job to start telling anyone!
i imagine if they’re good friends then the boy will tell your son when he wants to.
Keep quiet Ffs 😡