to expect partner to lose money to share taking time off with sick children?

[workingparentt]

I work Mon-Fri 9-5 from home. I work 5 evenings a week to help with full time nursery costs.

My partner works Mon - Fri 8-6 and also works at the weekend if work is available through their business.

We agreed that I could use the evenings to get extra income and they could use the weekend as it suited their business.

If our children are unwell I have been doing what I can at work during the day whilst caring for them, sometimes very little, sometimes a reasonable amount. I have an amount of days allowance to care for family, I think 10. None of these have ever been taken away from me. I have always been paid in full for any day where I've had kids at home. If my partner takes a day off, pay for month is docked by £300 attendance bonus as well as £150 a day. We both earn a similar daily rate. Either of us taking a day off unpaid (which again I never have had to) would severely impact our ability to meet our minimal commitments with our huge childcare costs, believe me we have cancelled everything non essential other than older child's swimming lessons, and we barely make ends meet. We receive government funding soon for nursery costs towards the two younger ones.

We really have explored all options and neither one of us can afford to pay the other's commitments so we HAVE to work and work extra to have enough to meet bills.

Having had around 20 days "doing what I can" from home whilst caring for our children in the last 3-4 months I am slipping in terms of delivering work, I feel like I'm taking the p**s, particularly on days where I produce very little, and I'm generally very uncomfortable to continue to pick up every single day off sick with our children just because my partner cannot afford to take this pay cut. I would like to apply for a promotion in around 6 months but feel I wouldn't be taken very seriously if things continue and this promotion might allow me to give up working 5 nights a week.

My partner's extra work is from their own business. They've invested time and money into this but it just isn't producing the work and many months has given 0 additional income. They are reluctant to go and get a more structured weekend job employed which may impact their ability to take on their business's work which is much better paid. I understand this and am desperate for their business to succeed which would really sort their income issue out. We have further rises in our outgoings upcoming due to our tenancy agreement ending.

I want to know AIBU to expect my partner to take on some of the parrental responsibility of having children off home ill? If they took on more work (employed) in their free time like I have then they could also take on their share of having time off with the children. THey think I am being unreasonable as my pay isn't affected (but I'm not sure how long this will go on) I think they are being unreasonable to expect me to pick up everything as it is having an impact on my delivery of work. I already do all nursery pickups, drop offs, and drop older child to grandparents to be taken to school. I'm genuinely struggling to see who's being unreasonable here. My further request is suggestions for a solution - not to give up work and claim benefits please - not an option due to our outgoings!!!

Deliberately trying to keep gender neutral here so any responses are free from bias and hoping this won't be the topic of responses! From what I can see there is definitely gender bias in some responses to threads... We are both in our 30s and have 2 preschool age children and a primary school age child.

Of course he should

Generally speaking I think both parents should split childcare but if you don’t lose money and they do then I can see the logic.

A business that takes them away on a weekend with no income is a hobby and not a luxury you can afford if you need money now.

Either way both of you working so much isn’t sustainable long term - you’ll burn out.

Ooh tricky. I think you need to talk together about what is best for your family financially both right now, and looking ahead a bit.

You are both in a similar situation: you are both needing to invest time now which will hopefully lead to more income in future. For you that’s performing well at work in hopes of securing a promotion. For your partner it’s spending weekends working on their business in hopes that will start to generate income.

Either one or other of those is going to have to give. OR you need to find some childcare to support you when the kids are sick.

A compromise might be for your partner to put the business on hold for 6 months, while you work towards a promotion. They could take on some extra work which will bring in income now, giving you as a family some buffer if you need them to take a day off for childcare. Once you have got the promotion, you keep working evenings for 6 months while they spend weekends working on their business.

Different approach: find alternative childcare for when they are sick rather than you trying to manage work and children together. Could Grandparents help out - either come to you or you take poorly child to them?

That all sounds stressful. It sounds like you're both always working.

I think FT childcare results in more illness in small children as they're so tired & seeing so many children they catch everything going.

Could you switch to a childminder? Less children & less exposure.

I've perhaps been lucky but neither me or DH ever took a day off with children when they were small & they would typically be ill maybe 2 days a year? Luckily MIL helped. 20 days in 3 months is a lot of illness to deal with.

I think however if one of you loses £300/month due to missing a day then unfortunately it's unaffordable for them to miss any work.

I can't see the point of them working weekends for no money.

What job do you do in the evening? Could you go for better paid daytime job?

A business that takes them away on a weekend with no income is a hobby and not a luxury you can afford if you need money now.

This. YANBU.

Does your workplace know you are working with children in your care?

20 days in 3-4 months seems
excessive. We didn’t need to take that much time off work during two dcs entire nursery and primary years. Hopefully that will settle down for you very soon. I can see both sides, if you get paid but your partner doesn't, then it makes sense for the paid parent to take the time off.

If one day off would reduce their pay by £450, then that is a big hit for the family finances. I'd say continue as you are but your partner needs to commit to doing more/most childcare outside of their work hours, until you have caught up on any work you miss caring for DC. In weeks where the DC have been ill, would they be able to miss their weekend extra work, so you can use that time?

This is a concern

I just rang a customer service team and she answered the call outside pushing her kid on a swing!!

Yes my employer is aware when I have a baby or both home.

This has always been a short term plan until government funded childcare hours are available.

I will have a better look at replied and suggestions after work tonight or tomorrow, thanks so far.

In that case and if they are happy with it then I would carry on tbh

20 days over 3-4 months is an awful lot.

Would it be "less painful" if your partner took a hit all in one month - so just loose the attendance bonus once, then you do the next month. Rather than loosing the bonus every month?

@workingparentt

This has always been a short term plan until government funded childcare hours are available

But even with government funding they won't take a child who is unwell.

Agree with others. DH needs to quit his hobby. It's bringing no money in.

Thanks all for the comments and suggestions.

My partner not taking a hit every month was going to be one of my suggestions as well, maybe I could do say 2 out of 3 of the months. This is definitely the real issue here. My partner has definitely seen this bonus as part of their standard wage. I have suggested looking for a different firm as the line of work has so many vacancies. My day time job is already quite well paid but with progression I can get more, this is the best solution for me as I can give up my evening job and make up any hours I've not worked once children are in bed. My evening job is call centre work and barely over minimum wage - I accepted it solely because it fitted in around the family - I start after children are in bed and it still allows me a reasonable amount of sleep with future possibility of doing it from home as well. So I still see children after nursery/school, have dinner with them, my partner and I both bath and put babies to bed and I then head out the door.

We've had two sickness bugs for both babies and both staggered from eachother which has had its benefits in not having to deal with two poorly babies at the time but also meant more time off, as well as a physical injury which needed a week off as well as the usual temperatures, rashes needing to be looked at etc. Some of the days have been known appointments inc immunisations, development checks and dentist appointment, which have still taken a chunk of the day out of my work. I keep thinking it will settle down a bit soon and it's still coming through thick and fast!

It's so difficult with the business we both desperately wanted it to take off and we both are passionate about it but I see your point with it not bringing money in right now. I like the suggestion of one of us focussing on prgressing career / business at a time. I also think me using the weekend to catch up on work is plausible. I am reluctant as I only get two days with my children and also use this time to catch up on housework but this is definitely possible and very logical. I will hopefully implement straight away with agreement from my partner - thank you as I really hadn't thought of this.

I always tell my employer if I have a child off sick and whilst they are aware and haven't said anything this is definitely not normal for other employees. Since they have been attending nursery (started in May) I am the only person in my squad who has had a child off sick with me in the day - at least that I know of. So whilst they are aware, this is not standard and I am seeing it as I am extremely lucky that they are being so flexible whilst they are settling into nursery - I certainly don't expect this to last.

Finally childminders are like gold dust where I am - this would hugely reduce our bill as well as the benefits mentioned regarding illness but waiting lists were ridiculous - we had a nursery lined up which an immediate family member also uses and they increased their prices by one third in the space of us holding their places to us signing the agreements. We did manage to find another that we were very happy with and actually preferred with a marginal cost saving but we were too late to be considered for childminders. THis is what has put us in the situation we are in of having to work to pay the huge increase we have experienced. Unfortunately grandparents aren't an option for us as they are either working full time or aren't mobile enough to look after them at their ages. THey do look after our primary aged child though although she really is no issue to have at home with me if she's poorly as I can still do a full days work, she's 10.

Thanks again!