I feel like I'm drowning and I probably can't see the woods for the trees.
DH left his job 6 months or so before Covid. It was making him unwell. I supported him, and he came to work for my small business. All good.
Covid was tough. The area of the business he looked after had to close, but the other side did well, so we survived. We also moved into a house that, once we were in, was in pretty poor condition and needs a lot of love; and we had our first child a month later.
I went back to work as a white-label resource for agencies when DS was 8 weeks old. DH looked after DS, and all the house stuff. He also started random house projects, like stripping the stairs, but he hasn't finished 90% of them. We had a really tight period financially and he applied to 50-odd jobs; got through to a few final interviews, but ultimately didn't get anything. He had some interview coaching and they said he's good, but his industry hasn't really recovered and his disability might put people off when there's lots of competition for roles.
I work a lot. I'm across four projects at the moment. My last day off was August 12th and my next is September 18th. But we're making okay money right now, and paying off some debt.
DH would like DS to start nursery. I don't disagree that he's probably ready - he's very independent and full of energy. DH feels he's getting behind because he's at home all the time, and his speech isn't as developed as his baby friends who do go to nursery. Even two days a week here, nursery is £600. Full-time is more than DH would earn in his career, realistically. There aren't really other childcare options here; and we have no family support.
DH thinks I just need to start promoting myself again and it'll work out, he can have work back that makes him feel fulfilled and useful; DS can do a couple of days in nursery, and everyone will be happy. But I cannot find time to promote myself, and I have raging imposter syndrome now. I feel like I'm basically starting from the beginning again and I don't know if I've got the confidence and self-belief now. DH can't do it; he doesn't write like me and he's a lot more blunt than I am.
One of the agencies I work with has invited me to lunch with a director on Friday, which I'm hoping is a good thing. It's raised the question of what we'll do if they offer me a job. I don't think I could take it - even on the higher end of their payscale, it'd be a pay cut and we can't really afford one - but there's no guarantee that they'll keep giving me as much work as they do now if I reject. DH isn't keen on me taking it, as he feels that'll put an end to the business and he wants to work with me, he doesn't want to be a SAHD.
Do I need to find a way to have more energy and restart the business properly?
Do I push for a job that pays what I need it to, even though it might mean leaving the niche that I'm really good at and enjoy?
Does it get better when kids are older? DS doesn't sleep through yet, and I am exhausted. DH tries to help but DS only wants me at night. I'm having blood tests to check my thyroid etc right now, and I used to be a daily swimmer but I haven't really had time to work out since DS was born almost 2 years ago, so I'm really unfit and that isn't helping how I feel. But we'd like a second child, so then surely we'd be back to square one anyway...
Thoughts are welcome! Thanks for making it to the end. I should say that DH is a brilliant guy. His disability isn't major but is visible; but he's a hard worker, he'd do anything I ask him to, and he makes sure I get time with friends etc occasionally. I'm aware it's easy to make it sound like he's a cocklodger, and he's anything but; and it was my idea for him to resign and work with me. He does everything and more that I'd do if I was a SAHM.