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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abusive partner or am I to blame?

50 replies

Jojo397 · 06/09/2023 10:04

Hi everyone, this is my first post so apologies if this isn’t in the right place and for the long post but I need some anonymous advice as I can’t face telling anyone I know about this.

I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and on a group holiday with my partner in turkey with his friendship group for a wedding. It’s been mostly great but I have been feeling quite tired and sick for the past few weeks of being pregnant.

Very sadly a close friend of my partner’s passed away 2 days ago while we were on the trip. He is very upset of course but doing his best to hold it together.

Last night we went out for dinner in a group, him and some other boys we were with were drinking very heavily and being quite loud in the restaurant. I was quieter than normal because I wasn’t feeling 100%. My partner kept asking me why I was grumpy with him and I kept telling him I just wasn’t feeling great. He kept on asking to the point it got annoying so I did take a tone but only quietly because i wanted him to stop asking. He got quite angry and quietly called me some nasty names. Him and his friends got progressively louder and quite obnoxious so I moved to the other end of the table to sit with some of the other girlfriends in the group but I want annoyed with him at all. When the meal was finished some of the group went to another bar (because we were embarrassed of some of the group shouting quite offensive things in the restaurant). I kissed my partner, told him where we were going and that I loved him.

I was having a great time at the other bar (obviously not drinking) until my partner came. I went to sit with him and he started spitting venom at me (F you, I hate you etc) quietly so no one else could hear.

Eventually him and I left the bar. The whole walk home he was screaming at me and saying some of the nastiest things (F you again, hate you, you’re such a nasty C, that I was emotionless, wouldn’t care if my best friend died). He even repeatedly shouted at me to get rid of that thing inside me. His justification was that I embarrassed him in front of his friends and left him to go to the other bar when he was in his darkest hour and his phone was dead (when I left he was chanting with the other guys I told him where we were going, yes his phone was dead but the others had phones on them).

His shouting on the walk home that multiple people came out to check I was ok. He did hit me on the arm at one point but not hard. The police were also called by someone who obviously heard and thought I was in danger. I promised them I was ok and they went away.

This morning he’s doubled down, still saying he hates me, it’s my fault and that I’m a nasty C. He’s also denying saying that I should get rid of the baby.

I don’t know what to do. We’re only half way through the trip. Is he abusive or am I awful for not being more understanding?

OP posts:

Katmai · 06/09/2023 14:47

Any man who treats his newly pregnant partner like that is abusive.

I'm so sorry, but I think the advice on here is going to be that you should get out of this relationship before baby arrives.

Tinkerbyebye · 06/09/2023 14:49

Sod the drama about missing a wedding. I would simply get a flight back as soon as you can, and I would let the groom know direct why you are going, his friend is being abusive so much so the police were called

Then at home get your ducks in order for him to leave and find somewhere else

Premfove · 06/09/2023 14:52

The smartest thing you'll ever do in a scenario like this is to leave him and have an abortion.

You may not want to go down that path, which is your choice, but it is the only intelligent move IMO if you don't want to destroy the best years of your life. Whether you leave him or not you'll be stuck with his abusive ways if you have a child together.

Get rid, work on yourself and learn why you are accepting such appalling abusive behavior and then, when you're ready start over with someone kind.

Sapphire387 · 06/09/2023 14:55

He's abusive. Him reacting in grief might be to be a bit snappy at you, like 'where were you, my phone was dead and I couldn't find you?'. That might be a reasonable reaction. Not the swearing and not the hitting. Whether drunk or sober, and I can see he said it when he was both.

Honestly? I would say leave him and seriously consider terminating the pregnancy. I know that is an awful thing to contemplate but you could end up with him hanging around for the next 18 years, making trouble for you and your child even if you have ended your own relationship with him. What kind of father is he going to be? What kind of man treats his pregnant partner the way he has treated you?

Treesinmygarden · 06/09/2023 15:02

He's shown you loud and clear who he is. Please listen. Go home ASAP. Sod the wedding, not your problem.

He should be treating you like a queen - you're carrying his baby.

Take care xx

Conkersinautumn · 06/09/2023 15:07

An you get a flight home? Is it possible to go to the hotel/ villa of someone else at all,so others are around you whilst you get a flight home organised.

There's no way he can excuse his behaviour and attitude towards you, the police aren't called for usual bickering or even arguing. He must have been very extreme.
Please ignore those thinking this is something a relationship can come back from, it's really not. You need to make yourself safe and then decide on your future plans.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 06/09/2023 15:13

Absolutely, 100% it's abuse, and absolutely 100% it will happen again and it will get worse. Because abuse always escalates. Always.

tattygrl · 06/09/2023 15:27

Interesting that this side of him has emerged now that you're recently pregnant (in other words, "trapped").

I myself have gone through a traumatic bereavement, of my best friend. I struggled for a long time and may well not have been myself for a while, but it never crossed my mind or heart to be abusive to my partner or to anyone else during this time. Zero excuse.

He is abusive. Get out before you have the baby. Get out ASAP. He has hit you, and it will only escalate.

MammaTo · 06/09/2023 15:39

pinkyredrose · 06/09/2023 11:26

Honestly, I'd have an abortion and leave him. He's an abusive person, please don't inflict him on a child.

Same

Inkanta · 06/09/2023 15:40

Yes I think you need to leave him He's said really horrible things - too many red flags that you can't unsee.

You did nothing wrong at all. Nothing. This is him being abusive. His mask has dropped - and the nasty things he even repeated the day after.

It's not good. You must be still in shock and shaken up inside. Allow yourself time to get your strength back - then you will be able to think and plan what to do.

Motomum23 · 06/09/2023 15:45

There is no excuse for shouting so much abuse at you that strangers call the police. There is no excuse for hitting you- no matter how lightly. He hit you in anger. He tested your limits - if you just ignore it next time it will be harder.

Fly home - pack a bag and go to a family members house. Make him realise what he's done.

Hummingbird89 · 06/09/2023 15:47

I would be on the next plane home. And truthfully, I would be considering my options with regards to the pregnancy too.

planningnightmare · 06/09/2023 15:56

His shouting on the walk home that multiple people came out to check I was ok.*

^
here is your confirmation: highly abusive, this is not normal.

He did hit me on the arm at one point but not hard.
^
Doesn't matter how hard. The fact you mention "not hard" shows he trained you to excuse his abusive behaviour. Hitting is not normal. its abusive.

The police were also called by someone who obviously heard and thought I was in danger.
^
All your alarm bells should ring. I actually think you were in grater danger than you realise.
I promised them I was ok and they went away.
^
I wished you didn't send them away. I really wished you'd accepted their help. It might have helped you to see in what an awful, abusive and dire situation you are.

I hope you'll find the strength leave this horrible relationship.

Thelonelygiraffe · 06/09/2023 16:00

You're only 8 weeks pregnant. You have choices.

I'd leave ASAP and go home, and make plans top leave him.

There's no coming back from any of that.

TBF, his drunken behaviour with his mates - chanting, shouting - would have given me the complete ick.

He is abusive.

You and your baby deserve better.

PickAChew · 06/09/2023 16:06

This is all on him and, if you stay with him, it won't be the last time and it won't be the worst time.

I would be going home and taking steps to extricate him from my life as thoroughly as possible.

NinaGeiger · 06/09/2023 16:07

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Please leave him. I just wanted to add that I was in an abusive relationship (actually not as bad as what you've described) and he subtly managed to convince me it would be impossible for me to leave. We were renting together and didn't have kids. The first time we split up, we still had 6 months left on our tenancy agreement and he convinced me that it would be impossible for either of us to leave before it ended. My friends got a bit frustrated when I would say it was a given that we had to carry on living together and they'd suggest alternatives like speaking to landlord, one of us moving out and being replaced and I was convinced those things weren't options but not sure why.

We inevitably got back together after living together as friends for a few months.

When we did finally break up a year or so later, I couldn't believe how much easier it was than expected.

Just wanted to add my story because it sounds like you think various factors (the fact you rent together, the dog, that it's been 6 years) mean it will be too hard to leave him but sometimes that's just one of many ways they've got their claws into us.

I also wanted to add that when I left it was like the clouds parted and the sun shone down. I had some lonely times but now I'm with a lovely man who treats me completely differently. When I had my first baby I thought "thank fuck I had this baby with him and not my ex" as having kids is hard but when you have a partner who lightens the load, it's lovely. I know my ex would've used the baby as part of his mind games.

Nicole1111 · 06/09/2023 16:13

I’m not sure if he’s behaved this way before but you’re undoubtedly in an abusive relationship, and it’s worth keeping in mind that domestic abuse often starts or gets worse during pregnancy. A hit on the arm is likely to only be the start of how he is prepared to treat you, especially given he’s continued to be abusive the following day while sober. For the safety of your unborn child you need to get out of this relationship but it’s important you do that as safely as possible. Please contact women’s aid or a domestic abuse charity in your area to get advice about how you can safely leave and to ensure you have emotional support.

Elfandwellbeing · 06/09/2023 16:15

He is absolutely abusive. If you know for certain that you will split up with him then leave early. They are his friends and why does it matter what they think.
I suspect you will patch this up and in that case the drama of you leaving early will just add to the trauma and humiliation he has already caused you.

jannier · 06/09/2023 16:19

You know it is abuse....and for police to be called it's very obvious to everyone who saw or heard him....id look into leaving ask his friends to help if necessary or contact someone at home to pay for a flight them get out of the relationship they all start this way and end I'm violence and control.

Grumpy101 · 06/09/2023 16:20

He's abusive. He's hit you and shouted loud enough to worry those around you. Statistically abuse tends to start in pregnancy when women are more vulnerable.

Fly home early.
Get an abortion. If you have this baby he will always control you and he will abuse the baby too. You will never ever escape him.

Watchkeys · 06/09/2023 19:34

TheShellBeach · 06/09/2023 11:38

This isn't helpful. The OP may not want an abortion.

Show quote history

So it isn't helpful to suggest anything except what somebody wants? Not helpful to suggest alternatives so that they can get a full picture of available options?

LyricalGangsta · 06/09/2023 20:03

He's shown his true colours.
Seriously consider if you want to raise a baby alone.
The baby will mean you are linked to him indefinitely and if he is this vile, will be used as a way to abuse to further.
A truly awful situation to be in.

LyricalGangsta · 06/09/2023 20:03

A way to abuse you further.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 06/09/2023 20:18

pinkyredrose · 06/09/2023 11:26

Honestly, I'd have an abortion and leave him. He's an abusive person, please don't inflict him on a child.

Absolutely this!

Inca22 · 06/09/2023 22:33

I would leave and make the excuses that you weren't feeling very well at all. Everyone will understand given you're pregnant. It also gives a very clear signal to your partner that you won't tolerate his behaviour.

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