To think my family are cruel?

[BoaBunsAreLovely]

One of my sisters fell out with me & my other sister four years ago over her assuming she wasn’t invited to a charity night. It turns out she was invited, a week after the charity night I seen her in the shop by mine & asked why she had removed herself from the family group chat, after explaining that she was in fact invited but her old number was in the group & she hadn’t updated it she agreed she overreacted.

I assumed it was sorted once that was cleared up, it weren’t as she blocked me & my other sister still. Extremely petty. So for the past four years me & my other sister (who she fell out with too) have just gone about our lives. We’ve always been naturally closer (never been an issue before) My other sis has always said “can’t believe she fell out with us, what did we do?” Always “us” & “we”

That day in the shop four years ago was me reaching out to clear up that it was a complete misunderstanding & one that wasn’t our fault. We didn’t plan the charity night it was a friend of the family. My brother put it in the group as an invite to everyone.

Fast forward to this month & randomly the sister who had decided not to talk to us for years text my other sis & apologised & now I’ve literally been dropped like a hot potato for nothing, I haven’t received an apology which is completely fine at the end of the day that’s her choice not too. But had she have texted me first I’d have said to her “You owe other sis an apology too” but my other sis disregarded the fact that & all is forgotten now between them & I’m just left in the dark.

I can’t help but feel like it’s a kick in the teeth. Nobody was in the wrong, the only person in the wrong was said sister who fell out with me & other sis for four years over nothing. It sounds as pathetic as it is.

Anyway, I’ve completely been pushed to the side, the sis I’m close with or was, isn’t saying “us & we” now, my mum isn’t interested, never texts me anymore, my two sisters are now close again, I’m happy for them but I’m devastated that I haven’t had an apology & that my close sis has disregarded me after always being there for her through everything. It’s confusing to even explain.

The only one to reach out is my nephew (similar age to me) to say, he thinks it’s out of order that she’s apologised to one of us & that nobody is saying “what about BoaBuns” Reading it back it is unbelievably petty & I agree it is, all this over a misunderstanding that wasn’t even my fault. I said to my mum if my daughter fell out with her two siblings for nothing then decided to swan back into one of their lives after years, then I’d say to her you need to speak to your other sister too.

I now have nobody in the family, it’s hurt me as there’s no loyalty to me yet I’m loyal to everyone else. I don’t think I’ve explained it well so I can only apologise. It’s truly immature petty stuff. Before anyone comes for me, I’m aware of bigger problems in the world.

Thanks & sorry for going on x

I doubt the years of no contact were over just the one thing. People usually take so much over time and then an incident will push them over the edge. I think you need to look harder at yourself and the overall dynamic. You also mention your expectations of others several times, but that’s all they are- expectations. You don’t know what’s gone on between your siblings, you are assuming and also assuming they disregarded your unvocalized expectations. You have to tell your sisters what you expect. Not everyone else. I think you need to reach out and talk to them directly and drop the expectations. Just ask what you can do to fix things. If you’re hanging on for an apology for something from years ago, and not even communicating that, you’re the problem.

all sounds very playground - just get on with your own life

“Before anyone comes for me, I’m aware of bigger problems in the world.”

Family is everything. A broken relationship is as important as anything else on the world. Hopefully it’s as important to the rest of your family. And in the end if they really are excluding you and really are being that petty, maybe look elsewhere for the connections you need. Family can be the worst and you can choose better if you need to.

There's a lot of weird dynamics here.
Communication is the key. Talk to them.

@junbean Unfortunately that’s the only reason she fell out with us. I asked her so when I seen her. I did my part of reaching out, I don’t see why I’d need to reach out again. Had I have been in the wrong I’d have also reached out for that but I’ve 100% done nothing wrong to warrant being blocked for four years. It’s as bizarre as it sounds. Sometimes I wish there was more to it as then I’d probably have an answer for all the pettiness.

That’s awful. Was it always like this? I had to do a lot of therapy to understand toxic family dynamics, and it was really eye opening. You might look it up. I was the scapegoat, and I made it easy because I was so sweet and forgiving. They saw that as a weakness and used it against me, blaming me for things I wasn’t even present for. It was insanity. Unfortunately a lot of families have a toxic dynamic and no desire to correct it. You definitely aren’t alone, and it really is okay to look elsewhere for a chosen family. I’m sorry for sounding harsh- it’s hard to really understand the overall dynamic with just one post. I do recommend therapy or doing some online research, it was really worth it for me. It made it so much easier to move on.

All this 'us and we' crap can easily be bullying towards your other sister. It puts her apart from the two of you, like she's not one of you.

Sounds like you need to grow up to be honest.

You didn’t ‘reach out’ though, did you? You saw her in a shop and challenged her about the group chat.

If you want a relationship with them, why don’t you reach out properly? make contact, ask how they’re doing, suggest coffee?

I get you're hurt. However blaming your other sister and mother and expecting them to force your sister to apologize/seek contact with you is weird. I assume everyone in this situation is an adult and so cannot be "forced" to do anything they don't like. Also don't think it's fair that you expect your other family members to "pick sides". You say they haven't said anything to your sister, but how do you know they haven't? What do you expect them to do, give her an ultimatum that either she speaks to you or they'll cut of contact? Of course they're going to be Switzerland in this situation as they love both of you! I personally would try and reach out to my sister and find out if there is a way to mend the relationship, explain you are hurt but miss her and your family is being torn apart because of this and wish to draw a line under the whole thing (no blame, no apology needed etc) and you move forward from here.

Can you arrange to do something with your nice sister and try and improve things with her?

"Of course they're going to be Switzerland in this situation as they love both of you!"

Not necessarily. My mother wouldn't dare say anything to my sister in a similar situation for fear of upsetting her. Regardless of of how upset I was, I'd be expected to take it on the chin and get over it.

OP - what was the relationship between you all like when you were younger?