To be looking forward to DSD moving out

[FroggieFynn]

My DH has one DD she's 18 about to leave for uni. Her mum passed when she was 8 and I've been with DH since she was 10. She's the only child we have between us.

DSD is a lovely girl, I'll never take that away from her, she did really well in her exams, going to her first choice uni and is looking forward to it. She is generally fine to live with too, a few clashes here and there but her room is always clean, she's been working since 16 etc.

Despite all this I can't wait for her to move out next week, I feel awful saying it, but we have never had a maternal bond etc.
For a while DH and I have spoke about "when she moves out" so it's hard to not look forward to everything this means we can now do (think term time holidays and the such). DH thinks my attitude is awful but I was never invited in on the fun parts of her life, prom, travel plans etc. So there isn't much for me to miss and really we already barely see her, she works or goes to friends or until recently her boyfriends.

AIBU to be really looking forward to DSD moving out?

I think it’s normal, but be prepared to miss her when she’s gone. She is probably also excited to move out so perhaps it’s right for all of you and you will enjoy a better family dynamic when you’re not all under one roof x

It's fine. Even biological parents often look forward to the freedom that a child flying the nest brings. However be prepared for her to be back after uni, and be prepared for the fact the holidays at uni are almost longer than term times!

I wouldn’t get too excited - she’ll be back for v long holidays and probably a couple years post uni.

You feel how you feel, and a lot of parents quite look forward to getting their lives back at this stage. If you haven’t had a maternal bond with her, when she is back, maybe work on being a friend. She’s going to be in your life for life.

Highly doubt she will be back after uni, we live in the middle of nowhere her degree would be beyond useless here.

Agree you shouldn’t beat yourself up. I am kind of looking forward to getting my bio DD off tomorrow. It was the same when she went travelling. It takes weeks, nay months, of planning, packing and upheaval and after a while it does get wearing. DS who is younger has had no attention as DDs life has been so consuming for years (GCSEs, new college, boyfriend, a levels, new friends, driving test, driving a car, 18th birthday, emotional farewells, three months travelling, welcome home party, part time jobs, looking around unis, filling out forms, constant comings and goings, uni preparation, driving, saying goodbyes again. All packed into in three years).

it takes over!

im knackered!

and after tomorrow I can look forward to Xmas.

I feel like this about my bio dd.

If you're acting outwardly pleased about DSD moving out in front of your DH then I think that's a bit inconsiderate and may come across as cold. I understand that you're looking forward to going on different types of holidays etc. There are ways to go about discussing it though.

I totally agree. I think it's insensitive to be outwardly happy she's moving out in front of her dad, who is probably feeling quite wobbly about it. She is one of the most important people in his life and after losing her mum too, it must be hard for him.

Same here
Uni holidays are long though!

This stood out for me -

“DH thinks my attitude is awful but I was never invited in on the fun parts of her life, prom, travel plans etc. So there isn't much for me to miss”

Why has he not permitted you to join in? Why does he think someone kept at arms length will not begin to see her ‘at arms length’ as it were?

Surely you are behaving exactly like he wants you to do? He didn’t want you to get too involved, and now, completely understandably, you are not too involved 🤷‍♀️. He’s reaping what he has sown isn’t he?

Be pleased about her moving on but don't vocalise your relief to your DH.
He'll miss her and feel as though he's losing not just his DD but the last link to his late wife.
My DH struggled when our DD moved out to Uni whil
e I just felt pleased she was out there growing up.
Be sympathetic and be there for him, make the right noises even if you're dancing a jig when the door closes behind her

YANBU but I probably wouldn’t have let on how happy I am to see her leave. Although he can’t really complain if you weren’t part of the good times with dd.

DS goes back next week after a 14wk summer break! The holidays are long. Are you unreasonable? No, but it’s a shame you never bonded with her

Mines been back longer than that!

I don't think it's unreasonable op but I wouldn't be too vocal about it. If I'm honest I'm looking forward to having more space again when ds goes back next week

it’s fine, but please don’t make her feel unwelcome when she returns in holidays or after she graduates. My mum’s fiancé was furious when I initially returned to live with her after graduating uni followed by a year abroad teaching. His opinion was once you left home, that was it, no coming back. He was nasty to me every day until the day I moved out 6 months later, and drove a huge wedge between my mum and myself.
I’m not trying to imply that you would be unkind, but please keep the door open in case she needs to / wants to return at any point.

It’s not moving out really. My ds is home for a month at Christmas, a month at Easter and 4 months in the summer 😅

Echo not to react badly when she comes back. It will definitely be for holidays for the next few years and probably for a while at least until she finds a job after uni, and maybe more if the job is WFH or local while she saves up a deposit which could take years. We are assuming our kids won't be able to move out immediately after uni given house prices etc.