To set up boundaries with friend because of her partner?

[Jaggedpill]

Right, please keep me honest if I am being unreasonable because I might be.
My best friend confided something in me a few weeks ago, and I cannot let it go. Basically her boyfriend assaulted her (she did not use these words, but this is the nicest term I will describe it as), and she decided to forgive him and move on.
I know that I should accept this, but the more I think about it the angrier I get.

I know that I cannot change her mind - if she has forgiven him then I need to accept it, but why did she tell me then?
Secondly, I do not want him anywhere near me, and this is bound to cause some issues if she wants to bring him along to events. For now I have decided that I just will not be OK having him in my house and near my family, but I have not told her so because I am afraid of embarrassing her. I obviously cannot object to meet him in other circumstances.
I don't want to alienate my friend, but I am also not sure how to deal with this knowledge.
Is it reasonable to set up boundaries, even though it does not affect me personally? I feel somewhat selfish, and that's not who I want to be. I am worried about her but I am not sure if she is ready to deal with this yet.

I don't envy you being in this position OP, but if it were me, I would have to tell her that I think she's mad to take him back, assuming you're trying to say that he raped her. If she makes excuses for him, I would ask where her self respect is, and if she's still adamant that she is prepared to forgive him, and put it behind her, then I think, I would have to tell her that while I still want to be her friend, and will be there for her whatever happens, I won't be socialising with him, as I think he's an appalling piece of humanity. I would then hope that by showing her that I have boundaries about this sort of behaviour, she should have too, which just might make her think about what she's actually doing, although I doubt it. Sadly, in this situation, you are likely to end up falling out, as it's really going to continue to worry you, that he's going to do it again, and if he does, having shared it with you once, she's likely to expect you to listen, and support her going back to him again and again, which personally, I wouldn't be able to do. Good luck OP!

I'm in same boat with my SIL. Verbal and pushing/shoving/hair and face grabbing.

I tried ignoring him but she was really upset so I have to grin and bear it.

They have 2 babies and she has no money. She's trapped for now so I don't want to add to her nightmare.

I don't think you have much choice but to do the same. Don't mention boundaries to your friend either, you cut her further off and he will want that.

Just hope the idiot chokes on a chip butty in the meantime.

When a friend is being abused it does affect those close to her as well. Sometimes it’s so bad you have to draw boundaries or cut off until it ends. I’ve been in this position and had to cut her off until she left him. Staying close would have been enabling the abuse. She did leave him and understood my position and was grateful because it helped her leave, something that can be really hard to do. In your position I would tell her exactly how you feel (embarrassed is nothing compared to being abused) and do what you need to. She might take it as a wake up call, or something that will help her leave eventually. It’s totally okay to point out the truth as it gives her permission to face the truth as well. She may or may not take it well. just the nature of the situation. But no you aren’t being unreasonable.

As a precious victim of DV, I would ask her over and explain he isn't welcome and why. This will help her to understand that what he's doing is t tolerable in normal society.

My friend did the same years ago and it made me realise what was happening wasn't ok.

Embrace her with love but explain your decision, and give her the number for Women's Aid. She may stop being friends with you for a while but she will come back when it's over x

Not precious, precious

FFS previous

I’d be there for her, but be clear you won’t meet with him. He may try to alienate her from you anyway if he is abusive.

Thank you. It most definitely was rape but she refuses to even use the word and seems to excuse it. To make it worse she thinks it's because he was angry with her 😞
I know that she'd be to my aid if I told her that someone had hurt me, but I am just unsure because she doesn't want to talk about it really. I still think that she told me for a reason

You could also tell him what you know? I know this isn't your responsibility to do so, and could be dangerous, but I wish someone had called my ex out. The more public the better, or ask DH to do it.

Maybe offer him the number for women's aid so he can check if what he's done is illegal.

I'd also get her a burner phone. But that's just me - one of the cruelest things my ex did was to assault me and put my phone in the microwave so I couldn't call for any help.

Maybe ask her to think about why she thinks she told you?

It is very hrs to support an abused person, I spent a year supporting a friend to leave her abusive partner and she was back with someone else the same within a few months. The. She split with him and moved someone else in ☹️

It’s really difficult but I had to step away. I hope your friend gets the confidence to split from him in the future.

I am really sorry to hear this, and I hope you are ok.
She's just never been like this before (as far as I know) so I was hoping for a good outcome. I want to help but I also want to keep myself safe

For some reason I assumed it was a slap. Assault is assault but rape is a far more delicate subject to speak with her about. It really is a difficult situation. I would not want to be near him or have him in my home. I think a serious convo with her is still in order, but my apologies if my first comment didn’t address the situation well. The poor dear. As a survivor myself I know it’s really hard to get out of that situation. She has to be ready herself. Having the info for resources ready for her, maybe sent to her in an email so she can access it privately when she’s ready might help.

To be clear, you can be friends with whoever you choose and you do not have to let anyone into your life or home who you don't like (for whatever reason, but you have a good one).

Please don't let someone like this get away with keeping up the pretence of being "nice". He isn't.

If I was you I would speak to her and let her know that what he did is not ok and because you love her, you would find it hard to be in the same room as him and say nothing. Therefore if she is going to stay with him, then she should not bring him around you. Tell her that you are there for her but that does not mean that you will accept the situation. Give her details of her local rape crisis or women's aid and let her know that it is not her fault and she is worth so much more than to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that it is ok to do that.

You could also tell him what you know? I know this isn't your responsibility to do so, and could be dangerous

I dont think this is a good idea, it's extremely dangerous.

You need to weigh up whether you want your friend in your life, as this could push her away when she needs you most.

I think you setting your own boundaries signals to her how normal people react to this.

It's like the scenario where everyone is nice to your partner and then is relieved when you break up with them.

It's like gaslighting. Please just tell her you are there for her, but you want to avoid contact with him.

Awful situation. She clearly struggles with boundaries and self worth.

I agree!
I get you wanting to make a stand but honestly letting him know you know outs yoir freind massively at risk
if it were me I’d carry on a usual but be off with him without telling him why all the while working in my friend and trying to get her to see someone from
woman’s aid
your plan will really put her off telling anyone and put her at risk if you tell him
Seeek advise from women’s aid
don’t put her at risk

I don't want him to know that I know. I agree that this would make everything worse. I just have a big "party" coming up and I really don't want this guy in my house or anywhere near my family. I know this sounds like a first world problem but it would be extremely strange to not invite her considerig how close we have always been.
I think I'll swallow it for now and will pretend that everything is "ok", and hopefully I can discuss it with her some time soon when we are on our own.

I really don't think this is a good idea. If you don't set your boundaries now, she will see this as acceptance of the situation and normalise it. I would tell her your thoughts that what has happened to her is not ok, that it isn't something that is easy to accept and that you can't put yourself or your loved ones in harms way. Say she is more than welcome to come to your party but he most certainly is not and he will never be welcome in your home again. Say you will support her, listen to her, help her in anyway you can and will still be her friend and support. But in light of what he has done he is no longer someone who is safe to be around your family.

*Not easy to accept.

But will I not alienate her that way? I don't want her to think that she should regret telling me.

I think you need advice.

This is difficult.

But you have every right to your boundaries too.

I wouldn't have a rapist in my home either, even for a good friend.

I would tell her that I love her and care for her, and will be there for her if she wants to leave him, but I would not be exposing my family and friends to a rapist.

You having him in your home is normalising a completely not normal situation.

She may choose to lie to herself but that doesn't mean you have to.

Anyway someone like that would know within 5 minutes that I was off with him.

Her choices do not mean you should suck up a rapist in your home.

I don't think that your family is at risk of assault from him it's most likely dv. Obviously you judge that though.

Your friend really needs your support. Alienating her won't help. As a sexual assault victim she's just been totally over powered so taking away power from her/ coercing her into dumping him is not what she needs now. Building up her self esteem by pouring love into her and showering her how someone who cares about her well-being and respects her should treat her is the best thing for her, reminding her how loved and adored she is and how much social support she has.

This is really hard for you. If she told you that she believes she was sexually assaulted by him because he was angry with her, I think it's reasonable that you tell her that it's an awful thing that happened to her, totally unacceptable and not her fault, but that she should leave him.

If she was committed to staying with him I don't think she would have told you. I think you need to support her to leave and I think this is why she told you.

Re the party, I just could not have him in my house, and I think you have to tell her that you never want to see him again, as you won't forgive him for what he's done to her. It may help make a decision to leave him - if you are so angry on her behalf it may help her to realise that she's valuable and does not deserve the way she was treated, and that she should get angry too.