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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if it's wrong to assume this?

39 replies

BirdBox12 · 05/09/2023 18:02

Not saying who is who in this scenario as I feel it sways responses.
2 adult daughters living at home. One works very short hours but has a boyfriend who pays for everything and treats her constantly and both get spoilt by the parents of the daughters.
The other one is older, single and works but not many hours as has two health conditions which impact on movement and joints. Does a lot around the house and is expected to stay at home as won't be able to afford to move out as a single person in London. The youngest will most likely move but will be reliant on boyfriend for ongoing living because despite having good savings, does not work much at present.
Eldest does a lot around the house in terms of chores and so it's expected that she will stay at home way into the future to care for parents while other daughter and two other siblings all live their lives with partners. Aibu to say this would be assumed?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 05/09/2023 18:04

Sounds very unfair on the older one.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/09/2023 18:05

Aibu to say this would be assumed?

Only if it's now 1950 or earlier.

HarrietJet · 05/09/2023 18:06

Who is assuming this? Has it been said explicitly by the parents?

sunnydayhereandnow · 05/09/2023 18:06

Absolutely not

rubyslippers · 05/09/2023 18:06

So the person with health conditions is being assumed to become a carer
and the person without who should be working FT etc is coasting along assuming her BF will support her
sounds crappy all round

FloweryName · 05/09/2023 18:07

Assumed by who?

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 18:08

Why is anyone assuming anything? Both daughters are entitled to lead their own lives. Why don't they both move somewhere cheaper and affordable ?

VisionsOfSplendour · 05/09/2023 18:08

It wouldn't be soemthing I would assume but you need to be more specific about who you think would assume

Katmai · 05/09/2023 18:09

So the one who already has health problems is expected to remain a spinster, stay at home with the parents and act as their carer into old age, while the younger one skips off into a carefree sunset?

Oh dear.

Optionyougot · 05/09/2023 18:09

I dont think it's fair to assume that the older daughter will remain at home, that the parents will require carers or that the younger daughter won't increase her hours if she decides to move out based on any of the info in the OP

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 05/09/2023 18:10

Absolutely not. A sibling is not a parent and this would only cause bitterness
And resentment

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2023 18:11

If I could, I would be telling the older daughter to run like hell and find your own life away from your parents.

Isthisexpected · 05/09/2023 18:11

I don't follow who is making these assumptions. I wouldn't assume the one with health conditions will stay at home forever. I wouldn't assume any child will or will not choose to become a carer. I wouldn't assume anyone's relationship will last.

WhateverMate · 05/09/2023 18:12

I wouldn't assume anything in this situation, including that the daughter with joint problems might not end up WFH and earning well.

Azaeleasinbloom · 05/09/2023 18:12

Would the elder be classed as disabled ? And if so would she be able to apply for social housing on that basis, and perhaps income support by way of UC, housing support etc?
Does the elder want to stay with parents? Would her health conditions potentially preclude her from providing care ?
Does the younger have any clue as to how vulnerable she is making herself by relying on a boyfriend ?

Bristolnewcomer · 05/09/2023 18:12

Well you’re obviously the elder (if you’re either) as the younger one apparently gets “spoilt” and her working few hours is apparently for no reason while the elder working few hours is explained.

I think you should both move out and stop relying on your parents if you can.

CastleCrasher · 05/09/2023 18:12

It's pretty clear you are the older daughter. No-one has the right to assume you will take on caring responsibilities, that's your decision only. If this isn't what you want, make it clear

Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 18:13

You can’t really assume what’s going to happen in the future though, so many things could change. Why does it matter?

Wakintoblueskies · 05/09/2023 18:13

CastleCrasher · 05/09/2023 18:12

It's pretty clear you are the older daughter. No-one has the right to assume you will take on caring responsibilities, that's your decision only. If this isn't what you want, make it clear

This.

jallopeno · 05/09/2023 18:14

Older daughter should look into possibilities of moving out.

PinkRiceKrispies · 05/09/2023 18:14

People always suggest moving away somewhere cheaper but it isn't that simplistic. If you don't drive or are single/don't have many people in your life then it would put even more of a strain on things mentally.
Also, I despise the word spinster. It's a horrible word for someone who chooses to stay single or is single not through choice.
Unfortunately things are much easier with a willing partner who is happy to pay for the other.

Katmai · 05/09/2023 18:14

I can imagine that some wider family members of a senior generation might automatically fall into the trap of assuming that, yes.

I can also imagine the random 'who gets to inherit?' thoughts that will probably start to bubble up at some point in the not too distant future as well...

Almondmum · 05/09/2023 18:15

I don't understand, are there 2 siblings or three? Who is assuming?

It's pretty obvious you're the older child assumed to be carer so why not post properly from that pov

WhateverMate · 05/09/2023 18:15

Also, how old is everyone in the scenario OP?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/09/2023 18:20

The post is written to incline the reader to be sympathetic to the elder dd, so my guess is that is who you are.

I think that no one should be assuming anything.

No one should assume anyone else is doing all the care, or even that the dps want to be cared for by their dc.

The elder dd definitely shouldn't assume they are welcome to live in their parent's house forever and should make their own arrangements.

The younger dd probably shouldn't assume their dp will always financially support them.

It sounds like the whole family would be better off if both dds grew up and moved into their own place tbh.