To accept a life you didn’t want, am I on the right track?!

[tobuildahome]

I’m late 30s with a three year old. His dad hasn’t seen him since he was six weeks old.

When I say that what I wanted most in life was a marriage and two or three children, I can’t emphasise this enough. I loved being in relationships, had a couple of really lovely ones that just didn’t work out for one reason or another. I enjoy making a cosy home to share with someone and I get immense value, like lots of people, from having that close bond in a romantic relationship. I never ever wanted to be a single parent, let alone a lone parent, and never wanted step children or my child to have a step dad. I didn’t want my relationship with my child’s father to end, but he was truly horrific to me and there was no way back.

I have other interests in my life, not just being married! I have a good job and a nice home and good friends. But I just know now that I will never have a marriage, I won’t have more kids as I don’t want ds to feel less than or be in a blended family. I have fully accepted that the chance to have the family set up I wanted has now gone. I have no interest in another relationship and just want to make life as nice as possible for ds.

Its a massive shock to the system after having these dreams of a traditional family life for most of my life. I am filling it instead with extra courses when ds starts school, and when he goes on school trips or starts with friends and grandparents, I’m going to go away for a night or do walks or paint.

I was telling a friend about this and she said life would be empty and I couldn’t replace companionship with a relationship with ‘things.’ Do you agree? I was hopeful I would build a life I could be content with even if it wasn’t what I wanted. Any tips for building a life different from what you imagined?

I am a lone parent too and can totally relate to you . I think you’ve set yourself up to fail here . You and your son could miss out on someone wonderful . I’d try and let go of the idea of perfect and just be a little
more open minded .

I'd say give it time, focus on yourself for now and make yourself happy, an unexpected romance might come your way in the future, and you wouldn't be doing your ds a disservice by pursuing one.

I was on my own, and focusing on my dc, for coming up 6 years, and very happy and content following my divorce. I have zero intention of having more dc, marrying again, but I'm now at a point where I'm ready to.meet someone again, and looking forward to it.

You don't have to make any drastic decisions about anything, just focus on doing what is right for you

@Rentquery1 thanks. I genuinely don’t have the heart for a relationship anymore, I don’t think my heart could take it (genuinely!)

I advise a dose of feminism. Happy ever after is the greatest trick the patriarchy ever played.

@Summerhillsquare i fell for it for my first 35 years!

I get you OP.

I am a single parent to 3 DC, no involvement in the main from ex. It was an abusive marriage and he made my life then, and after, hell.

We broke up 10 years ago. I've had no relationship since. I couldn't even fathom it.

I was also very certain a blended family or any involvement of a new partner with my DC was not for me (still am).

However, I'm gradually coming into the light, and am beginning to consider that I might have relationships at some point. I'd hate to rule it out completely, especially as my DC get older & move out.

For you, at your age, I agree with PP. Loo after yourself & your happiness, but don't rule future relationships out. There are many possible scenarios where you could be happy. I think so what feels right for you, and see how things go?

Being a single parent is the best thing I ever did - embrace it!

I would be just the same as you.

Good on you for putting your DS first - I bet you will have an amazing life together. I was the child of a blended family and would never, never impose that on my kids.

Well there's no time like the present, and no present like time, so crack on living your own life 😁

I am in a similar position. B6ur further down the road.

2 kids, but one is 19 and one is 13. I won't blend the family and won't get married. I was married but his mental health took a his and he spiralled and doesn't have much to do with the kids since. The last 2 years he hasnr seen them at all. We were pretty happy before that.

My career has took off, I earn more, have a nice home. Even have a nice boyfriend. Bit he won't ever live here. We won't get married (my choice not to risk my assets or have a man living in the house that not their Dad). I had to grieve that life.

I have, mainly, accepted it. But I really miss living with another adult, someone to share the load, someone to support and be supported from, even just planning to build a life with, the trust in eachother and the intimacy built from living together. I am sure loads of people are very happy with the 'together but living apart' set up I have. And I am mainly, but there are times I feel sad i won't be married or living with someone again. My life is a happy one on the whole though.

It's getting less and less as time goes on. But its still there, like a bereavement. Then all of a sudden I remember I dont like sharing the remote and I am OK again 🙂

Why do you have to make all the decisions now? Why not just see where life takes you? Your post is very dreary and defeatist, life doesn't have to be that way. It's fine to feel as you do, your feelings are valid but they may well change. You might meet someone when you are least expecting it and building a life with them may seem less daunting than it does now. Give yourself a chance just see where life takes you.

I was like you and coming from a family where children out of wedlock is frowned upon , I was devastated when I couldn't have my perfect family.

Like PP have said , you don't have to make any decisions right now. If anything is to change , when the time is right , you will know. It took me 9 years but I couldn't be happier.

I think you friend's comments have made you doubt yourself. It sounds like you've made a nice life for yourself. Who knows what the future holds?

Search YouTube for radical acceptance - it's how to come to terms with the fact the life you have, is not the life you ever wanted or imagined. And how to be accepting and happy with what you now have. I find Marsha Linehan really valuable to listen to on this

Plus, things can and do change. Change is an integral part of life. You don't know what the future holds, so don't close your mind too completely x

It sounds like you've thought carefully about what will make you contented

What you have created for yourself sounds lovely - the freedom, the autonomy etc. but as you well know, things don't turn out as planned.

Maybe call it Plan A, and if things change then that's fine too.

I would also do exactly the same thing OP. Well done you for putting your son and therefore your own happiness and well-being above anything else.

One day it may be possible to have a relationship that doesn't impact your son negatively. The right person may just come along at the right time.

For now all the things you've talked about sound fabulous.

To me it sounds like a very fulfilling and enriching life.

I was you when I split up with my EXDP 2 years ago.

That relationship shattered so many of my life dreams, although I did come out of it with my 2 DC.

My EXDP had a DC from a previous relationship, and was a horrific Disney Dad, to the point that he even put our shared DC behind his Golden DC1. I knew I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life.

2 years down the line, I've started tentatively online dating. I miss being in a relationship with a lovely man, as I know how good things can be when they are right.

As previous posters, I'd probably be reluctant to marry and blend a family due to my having assets that will go to my DC, and not wanting to bring someone into their home. However, I'm open to what the future holds, and can't allow the past to define the rest of my life.

The ideal relationship for me would be a living apart, together (LAT) arrangement. Where the couple are very much partners, they just don't live in the same house, merging finances and blending families. Hopefully I'll meet a lovely man looking for similar.

It sounds like deep down you would like a partner, perhaps you just need to reflect on it a bit to see that this may come in a different form to what you previously had in your mind.

I think you can build a perfectly lovely life for now, but don't give up on any sort of relationship forever. I'll never marry again, but having built a really lovely "tribe" of men and women, I am tentatively enjoying a few dates again.