Friendship Group

[Paloma52]

We are/were part of a friendship group, but recently fell out with 2 of the group (married) after putting up with their crappy treatment for a lot longer than we should have. We recently all went out, and the husband of the two blocked me from speaking to another friend outside, when all I was trying to do, was check she was ok. He literally blocked my way with his body and would not let me past. I got angry and then also blurted out what had been bothering me for a long time. We have since not spoken and it has now ruined any chance of us doing anything as a group again, as they were the ‘gatekeepers’ to all the upcoming plans including NYE. I am so cross at myself for losing my patience and addressing the issue this way, rather than dealing with it at the time. I guess I kept quiet to keep the peace and the resentment built up and what he did was the ultimate ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ I feel dreadful and so upset.

He sounds like an asshole though. To be honest if the other members of your group are ok with him excluding ye from things from now on, they aren't real friends. Cut your losses.

All the others have messaged me, one even saying that I shouldn’t let 2 people stop us doing things, but however nice that is, realistically it will not happen, as can you imagine the atmosphere if we turned up?

If they were true friends, gatekeepers wouldn’t be necessary. It sounds like friends with conditions to me. It is difficult to let friends go but sometimes all the politics is so dramatic and draining it makes the friendships complex and stressful. YANBU to be upset and have remorse, time will tell if the gateway remains open.

My problem is that by nature I am an over thinker, and my self esteem isn’t great. OH is relieved and said he was proud that out of everyone in the group that all moan to us about these individuals, I am the only one who stuck my neck out. Wish I could feel that way, I just feel terrible and sad. Why is it alway the person that speaks out, the one who feels isolated?

Is there a reason you can't arrange meet ups and social events with your friends from that group?

We can, but due to the fact that half of the group live 40 miles away, arranging things tends to get planned way in advance, so all the dates in the diary are all booked until NYE now. Also, one of the group (female) is particularly close to the couple, especially the husband, and although she has messaged and suggested ‘getting a date in the diary’ I am not deluded enough to think this will happen or that an allegiance will be formed. I am hoping this isn’t the case and I am just being cynical. However, this female was originally friends with the guy’s sister and they all basically decided they didn’t like her new husband (lovely bloke actually), so they are tight knit

It sounds like you mean ‘organisers’ by ‘gatekeepers’ - is that right? In which case, I don’t think all is lost, it just means you have to pick up the baton of organising. For NYE type plans, you can just post in the usual group chat eg ‘what’s the plan / I was thinking x’ etc and continue to assume as if you’ll do things as one big group. For smaller, informal gatherings, can you not either do likewise or pick off individual couples?

it sounds like you’ve been brave to address the arsehole problem, but you don’t have to be passively accepting of their attempts to freeze you out - rise above it and continue to mark your place within the group in a non-aggressive way. They can either fall in line or try to create splinter groups, at which case it’s up to the others to decide who’s more important to them. If the others go along with them because they take care of the organising, that’s even more reason for you to carve that role out for yourself more.

If the couple treat people badly, and the other persons in the group are willing to be their friends anyway, I don't think there is much you can do, except moving on from the group. It's sad.

Give it some time. Aknowledge to yourself that it's sad to lose friendships. Then move on. Do things. Find new friends.

The poster above my previous post has good advice too, I think. Try that first! But if that doesn't work, then move on.

When I say ‘gatekeepers’ I actually mean they want to control the narrative and do not take kindly to anyone else arranging things, and unless there were things we were strongly against, we would just let them get in with it or just not go. However, they started other group chats and inviting us last minute when dates etc had already been arranged, so tough if we couldn’t make it, whereas, I am more ‘let’s get a mutual date’ that most of us can make. Also aware that this isn’t always possible, but a choice would be nice in a friendship group. With regards NYE, tickets were already purchased, and since our disagreement, he has returned our tickets, making it untenable for us to go.

Do you think I should message the couple explaining how they made us feel, or do you think it is pointless?

I think it’s pointless.
However, I agree with your friend, and would go come hell or high water. How DARE they exclude you! If there’s an atmosphere it’s on them. Your other friends seem to want you there. But your own NYE tickets and just turn up.

I dont think messaging them would achieve anything. I think you should more actively plan and organise your social events with your friends going forward, for example buying your own tickets, suggesting places and events etc. If the rest of the group want to keep in touch they'll return that level of effort, if not you know where you stand and can cultivate other friendships

Exactly what OH has said. He is relieved that we are no longer seeing them, it is me that is upset by it all. Being confrontational doesn’t come easy to me and this was highly out of character for me, so has left me feeling crap. I know I need to work on my self esteem, just wish I wasn’t the one to say something. Over the last few years, everyone has come to me moaning about them in some shape or form, but they continue to tolerate it. God, I’m sound pathetic now, sorry 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 Just realising how much it has affected my mental health.

I am also not sure my other friends would us there now, for fear of being an atmosphere 😏

Thank you all for your advice 🥰❤️

Thank You for the update, OP!
I hope it will all work out for the best, somehow.

Update

I texted one of the group yesterday, just a general ‘hi, how are you etc’ and the subject of the fallout was brought up and she admitted that she will find it ‘awkward’ seeing me, but ‘will make something work’ feel this is just a brush off and she has no intention of seeing me.

Pathetic as it sounds, this has really upset me and feel so down.

I’m sorry @Paloma52, that must feel horrible. Fwiw this friend is no real friend and at least you know that now, rather than expending any more emotional energy on them.

Given you haven’t got anything to lose, I’d be tempted to reply back with something like ‘it’s a shame this has created awkwardness, especially given that I only said what others have expressed about X previously. I’d hope we can all move on from this like the grown-ups we are’ or some such. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but this frees you to find friends who aren’t just fairweather friends 💐

I did reply that I understand if she feels awkward, and that we have only ever fallen out with two people our whole life, and that it wasn’t a decision we took lightly.

I feel she fears upsetting this couple, which to me speaks volumes.

I will now not text again, and if she really does want to meet up, she knows where I am.