To be fed up of being the listener?

[Greeksummer]

Does anyone else feel like the sounding board/listener who everyone off loads on or comes to for advice but it’s never reciprocated?

Perhaps I just have self centred people in my life but I’ve found that very few people actually care when you’re having a hard time but expect glorified therapy sessions from you when they have a problem. I know that everyone has their own struggles and things going on of course but is it unreasonable to expect a bit more than “oh I’m sure you’ll be fine!” followed by multiple paragraphs about them in response to me saying I’m really struggling at the moment?

Even just in general I feel like a lot of people are only interested in themselves. For example, I had lunch with a relative I’m quite close to at the weekend and I don’t think I said more than 2 sentences. Now, I know not to expect much because this is just the type of person she is and she’s not going to change, but even when I would respond to something she was talking about (you know trying to engage in actual conversation), she’d literally cut me off mid word and totally changed the subject. Being on the receiving end of a 3 hour monologue is actually rather draining!

I’d like to add that this isn’t a pity party. I think I’m finally realising that I need to take a leaf out of their book and be a little bit more selfish and less available.

Yep! I've always prided myself on listening to others, but I find even when having a minor moan within a minute I'm hearing how bad the other person haha.

I'm a mug though. Once a close person simply said (in a very calm and 'sympathetic' manner), "maybe you should kill yourself, there's really nothing to fear".

Be proud of who you are and hopefully people who do care come your way soon enough.

It’s very frustrating. I used to work in an environment where I could hear people conversing. I always envied those who had friends and family who listened and knew how to be part of an engaging conversation. So many people just wait for their turn to speak.

i'm the opposite i have zero to say so seek out the droners in awkward situations. I listen then leave. in my mind i come across as a fascinating enigma!!!

I feel this so much lately, I’ve been thinking of keeping such people at arm’s length.

Some go through the bare minimum ‘hihowareyou’ and as I begin to reply they launch straight into a three hour whinge.

Yesssss. I think that’s why I overshare on here so much 😄 I want people to know I exist. For example, we’re like 3 months into a build and FIL doesn’t even know as he never asks a single question - instead of ‘how are you’ (the most vague and catch-all question possible), he’ll add ‘hope all is well with you’ after a big monologue about him. So many friends are like this too!

I’m so glad I’m not the only one! I’ve always seemed to attract people like this into my life. Yes, it’s extremely frustrating. I don’t mind most of the time as I am more of a listener than a talker, but an interesting conversation now and again or a sympathetic ear on the very rare occasion I need one would be nice 😂

Yep I hear you. I’m always the go to and have happily sat for hours listening, giving advice etc which I’m more than happy to do and feel proud that people know they can offload and trust me with their emotions and personal info. But then when I’ve been at absolute rock bottom, verge of a breakdown, or even just general catching up, it feels like I’m skirted over. ‘Oh you’ll be fine, anyway what about …’
I guess many think I’m strong enough or because I’m always such a positive person I’m not in as much pain. Or maybe I subconsciously try not to offload to other people and give off the impression that I’m rock solid and there as a support that no one seems to listen to me. Who knows.

I feel the same OP. I’ve been particularly disappointed with some close friends and family recently as I’ve had a couple of major life events and could really do with talking. Luckily I have a couple of really good friends who do listen and I have to remind myself to do the same they are so good!! I hope you find the sane soon.

YANBU. Part of it is to do with boundaries, of letting them do this to you (you have a choice of who you are friends with), and part of it is screening your friends earlier in the friendship to pare out the ones who drag you down like this.

Unfortunately, the ones who early on are more responsive and make more effort to stay in touch/meet up (often excessively as they need to offload this week's drama onto someone) tend to be the ones who expect you to be their personal therapist. Back in the day we used to call people like this "emotional vampires" because they are draining to be around but that sort of got hijacked by people who think they are literal vampires(!), so I don't think the term is used anymore. Quite honestly, my life is always better when I drop them because some people just have no understanding that friendship is a two-way street.

When the early signs are obvious, I just let the friendship cool fairly quickly, but sometimes one slides in after seeming ok for a while and that's always more awkward to extricate from. I don't have as many friends now but I'm okay with that because I'm not being taken advantage of, so were they really friends to begin with?

I am glad that I am not the only person who feels like this. Before the start of COVID I had one friend who had serious mental health issues. I was their as a sounding board.
During COVID I would contact her every few days via what's app to see how she was and I told to contact me if she wanted anything.
Towards the end of COVID I told her I was meeting with my family and I then got a lecture about this. She then asked me to stop messaging her.

Since the end of COVID she has seen me and ignored me. Meanwhile she now has several new friends. One of these people will tell everyone her business and won't be their like I was in the past when she gets low.
To be honest I am glad we are no longer friends as looking back she find me when her lows were coming. I then have to listen to the same thing again and again. I tried to help her and give her advice which she refused to listen to.
When you meet or chat to someone you don't want every conversation to be about them and their problems.

I definitely think if you’re perceived to be strong or capable, people just assume you’ll be fine and leave you to it. I’m also very conscious of being a burden to others so never want to offload or talk about myself too much.

I do have one friend who just gets me and we can talk about anything. She’s similar in that she’s the go to for her family and friends so we know we can let off steam with each other. I’m very lucky to have her as a friend and I hope you all have at least one person in your life who’s there for you.

I think that’s so true OP, if you’re seen as capable people just assume you’ll be fine. My mum’s so often like ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘keep on keeping on’ etc… so dismissive. My best friend since we were 7 is the same/never asks a question and so it’s not always as simple as just screening people before you get to know them. See so many people so close with their parents and feel a bit short changed, I know everything about them and they know about me what I can crowbar into the conversation when they take a breath 😁

I actually ended a friendship of 15 years just before covid. We were really close but it had been years of dealing with constant drama and practically having to be on call in case she needed me. I didn’t even really question it as that had just always been our dynamic. Anyway, I went through the worst thing that’s ever happened to me and she could barely muster a “how are you?” text for months but managed to message me every day while I was on holiday because she wanted me to get her something from duty free! It was incredibly hurtful realising my supposed best friend cared so little about me but some people are just that selfish.

I feel the same. There are some people in my life who I know everything about, every minute detail, yet if they were asked what was upsetting me at the moment, they wouldn't be able to tell you - because they never ask me if I'm okay!

Exactly the same for me. I went through a major life event and the person I thought was my closest friend carried on sending me endless monologues about every minor drama in her life and didn’t care that I was going through something huge. She asked me nothing about it. I continued to support her though. Then when I was coming out of my difficult time, she minimised the whole thing I had been through and has never mentioned it since. That’s pretty much the story of my life with people. I feel sucked dry by people.

I’m so sorry @MeerkatsRule I know how hurtful that must have been.

I completely understand feeling sucked dry by others. Hope you’re doing better now.

Definitely not being unreasonable if this is the actual situation. It is rubbish. Some people are all me, me, me. Other people are truly going through a very hard time and don't have the emotional capacity to physically keep themselves together, let alone provide emotional support to others.

I have known people in real life though who have told people similar when I know full well how much they actually offload to others and it is the other way around. Perhaps they don't recognise they are doing it and then are shocked by how much people offload on to them? Who knows?!

I am not saying this is your situation, you are probably correct. There are some people out there though that really do lack self awareness.

That’s so true about the people who are extra pushy when arranging meet ups! Never thought of this before. It makes me feel bad that they do all the ‘work’, as in take the initiative and make the effort and so ultimately I feel I owe them my best listening skills and time.

Yes this is me!

I work with a woman who constantly moans all day, every day about how busy and stressed she is, hates her job, feels undervalued. Then rebuffs anyone's offer of help.

I've been so snappy and short tempered because I know what I walk into every day. I dread going into work.

We are both under pressure however I manage my work load ok and work a day less than her. According to her she works weekends and late at night to catch up.

She's off for a week at the moment and it is heaven.

As for you we all will listen!

"Yes this is me!

I work with a woman who constantly moans all day, every day about how busy and stressed she is, hates her job, feels undervalued. Then rebuffs anyone's offer of help.

I've been so snappy and short tempered because I know what I walk into every day. I dread going into work."

That's not the same. The point is that we're measured, we listen. We're not snappy and short tempered. Not in the slightest. And we're not talking about colleagues but actual friends.

Apologies I should have been more specific. I'm snappy at home because I'm stressed in my personal life then have to deal with that in work. I'm perfectly nice and helpful to my colleague.

Also my SIL constantly moans to me and our other SIL.

Didn't realise it was a competition

YES! But I'm not sure what the answer is, in the rare occasion I come across someone who listens to me I then feel I say too much and worry I'm being like the people we're complaining about in this thread.

I do wish there was a bit more give and take with it. I have a friend who will send me a message that says "are you okay?" Completely out of the blue then when I reply she starts going into the latest drama she's having, why ask how I am? You don't want to know, just tell me what you want to tell me it's frustrating.

Yep I'm currently reevaluating several friendships because I find them to be so self absorbed and fully take advantage of the fact that I'm a good listener.

I also have several family members who do the same but I can't exactly bin them off.

I'm completely fed up with people who take and give fuck all back.

My oldest 'friend' will not let me speak.She is the one who is always keen to meet up,but only to monologue at me.She has always been a bit self centred but as we get older it has got worse.She now never asks me a single thing,not even how I am.
As a result,she knows nothing about anything happening in my life.I find it quite depressing and dont want to meet up at all now.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease. You need to squeak louder.