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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Dating for Sport"

30 replies

LipsyLo · 05/09/2023 14:55

DD is 19, about to start her second year of uni. She had a boyfriend but they split last summer.
Im from a very religious family and while I don't practice anymore, I'd say my views on sex and dating are still very reserved. I've only ever slept with my ex husband, and only after we were engaged, been divorced over 10 years and been with no one.
Obviously I don't expect DD to be the same. She is a far more confident and attractive girl than I ever was.
We met for lunch today and I asked if she was dating anyone and she said "I'm dating but just dating for sport". She then got a call and we never got to finish the conversation. A quick google has told me that dating for sport is dating with no intention of it ever being more and dating a-lot of people.
This makes me really uncomfortable !! I'm also thinking it is probably code for sleeping around.
I'm worried she is doing this as an ego boost or something, or need gratification from men to feel good about herself.
WIBU to bring it up to her again? Ask what she meant and express concern? Or do I leave her to live her life?
Also do we think dating for sport means a series of one night stands? Just dating for the free food/drinks/coffee or what?

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 05/09/2023 14:59

It's fun to meet people, go places and socialise. Possibly she is intimate with some of these guys but it sounds like she's just being casual and having fun, not looking for anything serious.

The thing is, it's not your business. You can ask her, from a place of curiosity. But she may not want to tell you. I think you just have to accept she's an adult making her own choices and her own mistakes and just be there for her if she ever wants to talk about it.

Original poster
LipsyLo · 05/09/2023 15:05

beastlyslumber · 05/09/2023 14:59

It's fun to meet people, go places and socialise. Possibly she is intimate with some of these guys but it sounds like she's just being casual and having fun, not looking for anything serious.

The thing is, it's not your business. You can ask her, from a place of curiosity. But she may not want to tell you. I think you just have to accept she's an adult making her own choices and her own mistakes and just be there for her if she ever wants to talk about it.

I think I'm just worried she is doing it for the wrong reasons, I really don't get the whole dating for the sake of dating thing, unless someone is doing it for sex in which case I don't agree with it. Even if it is the DD can do what she wants I just wouldn't want it to be for the wrong reasons.

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 15:09

A quick google has told me that dating for sport is dating with no intention of it ever being more and dating a-lot of people.

And? What’s wrong with her dating without the intention of it becoming more serious? Or what’s wrong about doing it for sex?

Original poster
LipsyLo · 05/09/2023 15:11

Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 15:09

A quick google has told me that dating for sport is dating with no intention of it ever being more and dating a-lot of people.

And? What’s wrong with her dating without the intention of it becoming more serious? Or what’s wrong about doing it for sex?

I'm just worried it would be for the wrong reasons.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 05/09/2023 15:12

Leave her to it. Her sex life is none of your business.

GalileoHumpkins · 05/09/2023 15:12

I did this a lot in my younger years, I didn't want a relationship or commitment but I did want fun and sex!

Barbiesback · 05/09/2023 15:12

It's different times OP. Its really hard to meet someone nowadays where did you meet your ex DH?. Your DD is young and there is nothing wrong with her enjoying herself whilst she doesn't have a family and so on!

GalileoHumpkins · 05/09/2023 15:13

What wrong reasons are you worried about?

Notimeforaname · 05/09/2023 15:14

I'm just worried it would be for the wrong reasons.

You're judging her by your own standards.

What's wrong for you, can be fine and right for someone else.

Original poster
LipsyLo · 05/09/2023 15:14

GalileoHumpkins · 05/09/2023 15:13

What wrong reasons are you worried about?

I guess I worry she is lacking in confidence and seeking validation from men which I don't think is healthy, she shouldn't have to date to feel good about herself.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 05/09/2023 15:15

LipsyLo · 05/09/2023 15:14

I guess I worry she is lacking in confidence and seeking validation from men which I don't think is healthy, she shouldn't have to date to feel good about herself.

Show quote history

But if she was doing it with a view to marriage that would be OK?

Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 15:16

I'm just worried it would be for the wrong reasons.

In what way though? What are the right reasons and what are the wrong reasons, according to you?
You must acknowledge that getting married young, only having sex after engagement and then remaining celebrate for the 10 years after divorce is not strictly normal and your DD isn’t doing anything wrong for not dating to marry at 19?

Original poster
LipsyLo · 05/09/2023 15:17

@GalileoHumpkins well, if she was doing it with the intention of getting into a relationship then that would be different than just dating a different guy or several guys every week for a while.

OP posts:
SillyBillyMother · 05/09/2023 15:20

I agree with you OP. You sound balanced and sensible.

Maybe your dd was trying to shock you, which might suggest it's not really worth your while expecting her to either confide in or listen to you about this. I don't know.

She'll find her own path....
Have you heard of Louise Perry? She has a Substack and the Maiden, Mother, Matriarch podcast, which I think are excellent. She's a feminist and makes very solid arguments for the current 'sex positive' culture of promiscuity not being good for women. Her book is good too.

This might be a good start for a bit of listening, but definitely look for her interviews on YouTube

stillthinking22 · 05/09/2023 15:24

She's young, she's experimenting and trying things out to see what she likes and what she doesn't. This is perfectly normal for a young adult and probably more healthy than being desperate for a relationship surely?

Uterusbegone · 05/09/2023 15:24

You don't get it, that is fine. Many people wouldn't get only sleeping with one person in your life. But the thing is you don't need to 'get it' as it isn't really any of your business

You keep saying you think she might be doing it 'for the wrong reasons' what do you think they are?

NotMadeOfStone · 05/09/2023 15:25

You said in your OP that she's confident...but your later posts worry that she's dating for self-esteem reasons that betray a lack of confidence.

I think this is you judging her by your own beliefs and morals, and she's a completely separate person to you.

She sounds fine, leave her be.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/09/2023 15:31

I think it's quite sensible to not want to get into a serious relationship at 19 when you are focusing on studying and likely to move location etc in the near future.

You seem to be worried that she has low self esteem and needs validation from a man through sex. If this was true then 'dating for sport' would be a result of low self esteem and not the cause of it. Is there anything else that makes you think that she may have low self esteem and be seeking validation from men? If not then I'd leave well alone. Either way I would not quiz her on her sex life, I don't think it will help in any way. And it could actually be the opposite, she enjoys male company but doesn't need to be seen to be in a relationship to feel validated. Either way really unless you have any serious evidence that this is coming from a place of negativity (eg she is calling you crying feeling upset and awful about herself after a one night stand has left) that she has chosen to share with you then I think it's probably none of your business. If you think she needs to build her confidence or self esteem then you can try and work on this with her separately. But from what you ve said she sounds fairly confident already

beastlyslumber · 05/09/2023 15:34

LipsyLo · 05/09/2023 15:14

I guess I worry she is lacking in confidence and seeking validation from men which I don't think is healthy, she shouldn't have to date to feel good about herself.

Show quote history

You said in your OP that she's confident... do you think that's a front and she is actually seeking validation from men? I agree that can be a destructive path. But it is also possible to just date for fun and enjoyment.

Why don't you have a chat with her about what she considers red flags in dating, what kind of men she likes to date etc. Don't judge or comment but you'll soon be able to tell if she has her head screwed on. If you think maybe she needs more confidence and self worth, talk to her about that and support her to find that. You could also talk to her about safe sex and how to get STI check.

Is it possible that she's rebelling a little bit after growing up in an environment where there's been some shame and judgement around sexuality? Maybe she needs to figure it out for herself.

Milanaa · 30/10/2023 09:36

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DonnaBanana · 30/10/2023 10:18

Different times, my bum. I guess none of you had parents who were young in the late 60s. This would all seem tame 😉

Onethingatatime23 · 30/10/2023 10:20

GalileoHumpkins · 05/09/2023 15:12

I did this a lot in my younger years, I didn't want a relationship or commitment but I did want fun and sex!

Me too. In fact when I met DH I was just turned 23 and it took me a long time to decide whether to go out with him as I knew he wanted something serious and I wasn't sure if I was ready for any sort of commitment and had envisaged having a more frivolous sex life for a few more years!

WhateverMate · 30/10/2023 10:22

Dating is fun
Sex is fun
She's 19

Leave her to have fun and enjoy her life. You don't need to be projecting all your own stuff onto her.

RedCoffeeCup · 30/10/2023 10:23

OP, I do understand that you're worried about your DD sleeping around. I have a DD a couple of years younger than yours and I know I wouldn't be delighted about this either.

You can have a chat with her if you like and say you're a bit worried about her and you hope she's being careful.

However, that's all you can do. You can't force her to behave in the way you want. This letting go of control is one of the hardest things about parenting teens and young adults!

Wakeywake · 30/10/2023 10:24

Dating for fun is exactly what she should do at her age. Get some experience in men, learn from her mistakes so she can go into a proper relationship with her eyes wide open. And of course, have some fun along the way.

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