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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so frustrated at teen DS?

12 replies

paranoidmumdroid1 · 05/09/2023 11:59

He's 14, very bright and able but takes absolutely no pride in doing anything to a decent standard.
I find it so frustrating and want to snatch it off him and do it properly / micromanage.
School stuff, Scout stuff, anything is the bare minimum. I'm very conscious about not interfering and leaving him to it but i find it soooo hard! I was never like that as child.
He just doesn't care. He does very well academically due to an exceptional memory but something like a presentation at Scouts he won't prepare and it's obvious when he does it. I can't make him care, can I? Just a vent really.

OP posts:

Austrich · 05/09/2023 12:04

It's tough to watch but we all have different personalities.

Perhaps being laid back about such things will stand him in good stead in the future. Better to be chilled about a scout presentation, and it maybe not being the best, than super anxious and suffering.

I know the ideal would be calmly getting it done well!

Perhaps when he's older he'll start caring a bit more but he's not there yet. There's no real harm.

Original poster

paranoidmumdroid1 · 05/09/2023 12:09

@Austrich Thank you. You are right of course, it's his personality and his sister is the complete opposite, and so am I. He's conpletely convinced he'll ace everything always. He gets that from DH! And if he's not top he's not bothered.
I'm an anxious person and it is not a good way to be.

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 05/09/2023 12:12

Well, if he doesn't care there's not much you can do. But surely there is SOMETHING he does care about? Where not putting the effort in WILL be detrimental? Try to find out what that is and push him towards that.

eg, DS really really does care about doing well in his chosen sport. So he puts the effort and time in. He didn't in the beginning - he thought he could just go to practice and that would be enough. But then he saw how others did better or got more match time and so he learnt that lesson. And now he practices at home regularly.

lanthanum · 05/09/2023 12:13

Being able to do the bare minimum without dipping below is quite a useful skill in itself. And perhaps discovering the perils of not quite doing enough is best discovered in his teens rather than in the workplace.

Original poster

paranoidmumdroid1 · 05/09/2023 12:47

@GingerIsBest we havent found that yet. Scouting is the closest we've got (earning lots of badges etc) which is why I'm a bit disappointed. He's not physical at all and flits from hobby to hobby. Which is fine, i've never really had any passion-hobby either, much more of a generalist. But i do/did try my best. So i find it hard to empathise/ understand his attitude.
@lanthanum fair point i suspect that may happen in y10, further maths triple science etc! Let's see.....

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 05/09/2023 12:53

paranoidmumdroid1 · 05/09/2023 12:47

If he does it half heartedly, does he still earn the badge? Because I guess the only way is if he doesn't earn the badge? Maybe aim for badges that are harder and need more work? Do those exist? They did when I was a guide back in the day, but no idea how it works these days.

Twinklebutts · 05/09/2023 13:38

I've got one of these in my boy too. I'm trying to let natural consequences kick in, but he really isn't bothered. I think A levels will sort him out but we are two years off that yet.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/09/2023 13:43

The thing is that if they don't learn how to work before A-levels start then they find A-levels too hard. As an ex A-level teacher, I used to prefer those who struggled to get a good grade but worked hard to those who were naturally clever and did bugger all. There will always come a point where natural brightness just isn't enough.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/09/2023 14:56

He seems to have mastered “Don’t let perfect get in the way of good enough“. That’s honestly not a bad way to be in this world. I mean why stress about being perfect if you still get the badge right?

Let me ask a question how is he when presented a challenge. Does he give up or does he he rise ‘enough’ to meet it? That is the really telling part.

I can see where this stresses you out but the world is full of average happy people who find success without making themselves miserable in the process. I think a bit of recalibration wouldn’t be the worst idea for you (and maybe him at some point if he starts to struggle).

Remember you are actually hurting your argument if he is currently finding success without perfection and hard work. Wait until he fails at something to make your point.

Original poster

paranoidmumdroid1 · 05/09/2023 18:34

Food for thought. Thanks all. @determinedtomakethiswork that is a good point and i think my worry is because i did the same, through Alevels and through Uni! Lucky with natural ability and on paper did well, but I know it was not my best.
My rude awakening was professional papers in my career, i really worked for those.
Hey ho.
Shall be grateful he's a bright, smart (alec!) boy and leave him to it.

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 05/09/2023 18:49

You said you were never like that as a child, and now you say you did the same, which one is it?

Anyway, I'd leave him to it, you can't force someone to take pride in their work.

Original poster

paranoidmumdroid1 · 05/09/2023 19:18

Hmm yes, i did take pride in my pieces of work, but rested on my laurels in exams. I'd never try and blag through a presentation though - i think that's what's prompted this post.
But he's not a mini-me and i need to stop projecting my insecurities

OP posts:

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