Family life feels hard

[lking12]

Not sure why I made this an AIBU! But we have three daughters aged 5, 2 and 10 months and just finding it hard at the moment.
I’m back at work and trying to express milk but supply has dropped so baby having formula in the day (this is fine but want her to have some breastmilk until she was 1 like the others had)! Baby and toddler not sleeping through but quick to resettle.
The 2 year old wants to do everything for herself and we spend 75% of our time telling her off to not write on walls/hit her sister/ get changed again/mess around in the toilet etc etc. Though our 5 year old is easy and sweet most of the time.
I want to lose weight and get fit but when? I’m exhausted.
I feel a lot better with a nice clean house but it never stays tidy.
My husband and I are hanging in there, we don’t really laugh anymore, there are lots of frustrations around kids, chores, work, etc.
Our summer holiday was one big stress of packing our whole house, entertaining the kids, getting too tired ourselves. Etc. we came home a day early.

I just don’t feel that happy at the moment which makes me anxious as time feels like it’s going faster.

Any tips? Does it get better? I’m glad we had our third baby but oooof nearly 6 years of babies and I’m bloody knackered.

yabu- don’t worry it gets better
yanbu- this is pretty much how it goes

Your children are 5, 2 and 10 months, of course it's hard! You know it will get better, for one thing sleep is magic so once you get that everything is easier.

It will improve, but it will take time. In the meantime you need to be kind to yourselves, lower your standards and try get a little childfree time together (annual leave while they're in childcare is easiest for us).

But seriously, it feels hard because it is hard.

No real advice but just wanted to say you're not alone. I find it so hard and I only have one, so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Juggling work and parenting is exhausting and it's hard to find time for the basics some days like a shower or eating properly. For us it is not helped by not having understanding family - my mother doesn't understand why I'm on edge all the time even though I've explained how knackered and wrung out I feel. As PP suggests, taking some annual leave time together for a lunch out or even just doing some housework together if that will help you feel better (while in childcare) can really help you to reset, if that's an option. But yes it feels hard because it is hard and you're not alone. It doesn't make it easier. Have you got a support network you can lean on or at least vent to? X

You've got 3 very young kids.

It's hard.

In previous generations the mother wasn't working, rushing around in the car, socialising, beautifying, expecting a 2yo to fit into a schedule and needing to go to the gym to get fit. They were walking everywhere, cooking healthier meals and generally living a life unrecognisable from todays norm.

So yeah, sorry OP but you're one of many victims of "progress"

You’ve got 3 kids. You don’t have 3 kids if you want an easy life 😂

Yeah it is hard OP. Agree with a day annual leave while they’re all in childcare (assuming DH works too and therefore the younger 2 are in childcare).

Yep that sounds hard and you have my sympathy. On a practical level, I got fit by using the app Fiit - bought two sets of dumbbells from Argos and worked out for 25 mins 3x a week. Really important for your mental health

I agree with this. Part of the problem is the price of houses. In years gone by, one salary (nearly always the father's) was enough to pay the mortgage and keep the family. Today that's almost impossible.
If you can afford it, a nanny would make your family life easier. If not then an occasional babysitter so that you can get a few hours' respite.

I mean if you have 3 kids and 2 together in such a short space of time...

10000% this

It just isn’t possible op.

Can you stop working for a while? It sounds to much to me, and you are literally hanging by your finger nails day to day.

Our society needs to make big changes to support families or the birth rate is going to drop off a cliff.

Exactly @Araminta34 - the dual income mortgage has a lot to answer for! OBVIOUSLY I'm not suggested women should be chained to the kitchen sink. I'm a feminist through and though. But equal doesn't mean fair and something has gone badly wrong somewhere.

Thanks all at least that’s a reality check.
hoping it gets easier!
I don’t have leave to use as used it up during maternity for the money.
We do have a great childminder who is only 5 minutes up the road which is great and baby has just started there.

It’s just when ppl say “it doesn’t get easier it just gets different” or sometimes ppl say “they still cost as much when they’re older” and then I say my childcare bill for August was over £2k! That usually shuts them up.

Just hanging on in there, love the bones of them but trying to be fit, pretty, nice house, good job, new car, 3 lovely daughters all in fresh clean clothes, happy at school, who are swimming, dancing, playing a musical instrument and going on lovely family holidays feels a bit…. Much! Phew!

Just on that there’s a 2 year age gap basically and I’m nearly 40 so didn’t really have the luxury of time. Plus I actually think it’s harder going back to baby years when you’ve come out of them (or I did think that!)

Honestly your expectations of yourself are way too high.

Try caring far less about the house, your appearance, kids playing a musical instrument at 5 (no point til they're 7/8 anyway teacher told me when I enquired). Deffo focus on everyone finding time to smile and laugh together.

I agree the admin is overwhelming. Had about 1000'emails from school already

Do you have any family or paid help so you and DH can spend a day together totally alone? Whenever we do this I feel like it makes a huge difference - it really reminds us why we're actually together and doing this 🤣

Can you or dh take a career break?

That sounds very challenging Op. 3 young children will be hard work whatever your circumstances.

May not be the most popular opinion, but I’d drop the expressing. Something’s got to give, and for me that would be one of them. Your DD will not be missing out, and you can never recreate the exact experience your older children had. For a start her life is hugely enriched by having older siblings. I’d either just breastfeed morning and night, or completely switch to formula if that’s not practical for you.

Otherwise I think you’re just hanging on in there til they get older and life gets easier. I only have 2 kids (a third would push me over the edge) but life felt a lot easier once they were about 3 and 5, and it’s got better ever since and they’re 6 and 8 now.

Just hanging on in there, love the bones of them but trying to be fit, pretty, nice house, good job, new car, 3 lovely daughters all in fresh clean clothes, happy at school, who are swimming, dancing, playing a musical instrument and going on lovely family holidays feels a bit…. Much! Phew!*
*
Yes it's does. We're all with you. I don't what the answer is.

Childcare costs will of course reduce from £2k. But from your description of your target lifestyle, then you'll be paying out things like wrap around care, gymnastics club fees, private swimming lessons, expensive bikes, musical lessons, high quality food, saving for uni, family holidays for 5 etc etc so that £24k will definitely get eaten up by other things!! That's ok though, one replaces the other.

My dc are teens. It doesn’t really get easier. Just one issue replaces another. Now I would love to put them in a cot at 7pm and know exactly where they are at midnight!!

Op, it’s not enough to merely survive day to day, you need space to actively enjoy your children and need to throw the kitchen sink at support, help, reduction in hours. Otherwise what is the point? These are precious days.

You will gain a massive amount of headspace when they are all out of nappies and/or sleep through the night.

I have similar age gaps but my youngest is 3 - it does get easier! Just having a 7 and 5 year old who can play tag in the playground without my input every 2 seconds is SO different to managing a 5 year old who wanted me to chase her, a 3 year old who was eating stones and a 1 year old who needed constant vigilance to to avoid creative forms of kamikazism. I think the golden age might be when they're all between 6 and 10....it's coming...!

That said it doesn't get easy as such, and I had to get a bit selfish about insisting on some stuff - eg gym every Saturday morning for an hour, quiet time for everyone to replace nap time (oh god I miss nap time), etc. Otherwise I would have just burnt out.

But I know the feeling and it does improve

Neither of your options fit tbh, as they're both true. It is hard, it is how it is, and it does get better. When they're so little, prioritise quieter time at home than gym, lots of classes etc.

All the “it doesn’t get easier it just gets different” in my experience is nonsense. Though I have yet to reach teenager stage. But having two school age/tween children is a million times easier than a baby and a toddler or a toddler and a preschooler.

They sleep through the night, they go to sleep by themselves, they don’t nap, they don’t need us to haul tons of stuff around, they look after their own toileting and feeding and dressing and bathing, they play independently and entertain themselves, you can turn your back on them for five minutes… and they’re fun and funny actual people who you can hold a conversation with. Yes they have more activities and friendship dramas and school stuff - but did I mention they sleep through the night?!

You’re in a tough stage. I think it’ll get easier, at least for a while! I would let go of the unimportant stuff though. Pick what matters to you and makes you happy and stop worrying about the rest for now - for me that was forgetting about having a nice pretty house, anything nice car related and lots of activities/music lessons. At 5 and 2 they don’t need all of swimming and dancing and music lessons.

When my MIL had three young kids (and hers were close together) she had no washing machine and all the kids were in cloth nappies, and there were no mother and baby groups to meet other mums and make friends. She was extremely lonely. There was no expectation that her husband should help out at all, and there was an expectation that she could keep a good home and make him a meal from scratch every day ( or two at the weekend).

I'm not sure it was easier in the 'good ole' days'.

Most mothers with young kids I know today do not feel the need to be gym buddies or beautify themselves either. In fact, none of them do.