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AIBU?

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Original poster

Nursery

26 replies

cherryscola · 05/09/2023 10:24

Hello,

I feel really anxious.

My sons first proper day at nursery today and drop off was awful.

He has just turned 2 (was 3 months premature) and he was so upset when I left, I kept it short and sweet but it was not nice.

Since then (hour ago), nursery have messaged me quite a few times to say he is still quite unsettled but they will try and get him to nap as I said he was very up and down last night with the warm weather where we are.

They have also messaged me other things like is this normal for him? he's doing xyz - is this normal?

Now I just feel really overwhelmed and like they cannot cope with him and that he isn't going to settle.

Anyone else had this? and is it really not normal (the impression I am being given by all the messages from nursery within only an hour)

Thank you!

OP posts:
Caledoniadreaming · 05/09/2023 11:04

I feel for you, it is hard leaving them when they're upset.

I'm assuming he has had settling in sessions? Was he in childcare before now? If not it's going to be very different - environment, people etc. so yes will take him some time to settle down - but the staff should be able to deal with this, he is unlikely to be the first child who has struggled to settle.

Even my 3 year old, who has been in childcare since he was 7 months old, sometimes has unsettled days - they're still little.

I am surprised the nursery are messaging you this frequently though - before my DS started we were asked to complete an "all about me" page with likes/dislikes, favourite books, toys and things like that. That way they knew how to distract him and get him focussed on other things.

Original poster
cherryscola · 05/09/2023 11:21

It is, I've been trying to concentrate at work and I'm panicking every time my phone goes off.

He has - he wasn't as bad at them as he was today. I'm hoping they are able to get him down for a nap and he is happier when he wakes up.

No, not in childcare settings, he has been with family since I've gone back to work but this was always only short term as my step dad and SIL were both starting new jobs this year. So he is used to being away from me to a certain degree but appreciate it is very different being with a family member to a nursery.

Yes, I think the messages haven't helped - it made me feel like it was really unusual his behaviour and that they weren't able to handle it.

OP posts:
NnarcissaMalfoy · 05/09/2023 11:38

I don't think they should be messaging this much- of course its normal for him to be very unsettled on his first day and they should be able to cope with that. I would let them know that all the messages are making you a bit anxious and upset - maybe they think you want a lot of contact? My DC were v unsettled when they started too and I would have hated all this contact from nursery as, like you, I was stressed and upset at the separation so I needed to feel confident that nursery were handling it.

Original poster
cherryscola · 05/09/2023 16:06

Ah blimey.

I've just picked him up and have been hit with 'he is displaying signs of autism but don't worry as there is lots of help for it out there'

Apparently as he has been chewing non food items like a sponge ball

OP posts:
Original poster
cherryscola · 05/09/2023 16:06

Another thing to now worry about

OP posts:
Wherewithout · 05/09/2023 16:22

I would have found it really concerning if nursery message me several times within the first hour as well! Did he manage to settle in the end and have a nap?

It seems quite quick for them to mention autism after one day - he’s only just turned two, isn’t it normal for toddlers to chew things they shouldn’t?

Hankunamatata · 05/09/2023 16:25

Is it like a app they use so they message you lots of times?

Wouldn't worry about drop off. Two of mine werw awful for about 6 months which was a shock as my older child was so chilled about it. Some kids just don't like changes in routine.

Merryoldgoat · 05/09/2023 16:27

As a parent of two autistic children I’m surprised they’d say that after a day. And so nonchalantly.

Are there any behaviours you’ve been concerned about up to now? How’s his speech?

xxlostxx · 05/09/2023 16:29

I'm so surprised too they'd mention autism after 1 day and at that age!
I say this as a parent of an autistic child and a nursery nurse for many years myself.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 05/09/2023 16:29

They mentioned autism after 1 day? Did they mention more than chewing things? It doesn't sound like they've done a good job of putting you at ease.

ThelastRolo20 · 05/09/2023 16:31

I'm quite surprised at the amount they were messaging! Not sure how they feel they can assess a 2 year old for autism...they're not trained to do so. See how he goes, it took my daughter six weeks to settle (and it is horrible for us so I empathise) but don't be afraid to look at other nurseries if they continue causing you additional worry

Moonflower12 · 05/09/2023 19:35

I'd be concerned about their 'signs of autism' comment.

They're not qualified to diagnose at all. I'm saying this as a nursery teacher and early years sendco who's worked with little ones for over 20 years. I'm not qualified to diagnose- only to assess over a period of time.

Rumplestrumpet · 05/09/2023 19:42

Are you otherwise happy with the nursery? Has it been recommended by friends or family? It seems like quite a strange first day.

Mine were in nursery from 12 months, it was heart breaking at first, and still can be after a long break - tears at the door, clinging onto my legs.... But they have always settled well when given a gentle and caring environment. And the nurseries (3 or 4 different ones between my kids) have never messaged me regularly through the day to say he's not doing well. And yes, the autism comment is very strange.

I would have a chat to them about how they're managing it, what their expectations are for a child of his age with no prior nursery experience, and what they're doing to help him settle. And I'd ask a manager what the autism comment was about - sounds like a junior unqualified member of staff making an out of place comment and should be addressed.

mynameiscalypso · 05/09/2023 19:44

Honestly, it sounds like a pretty terrible nursery.

jallopeno · 05/09/2023 19:46

cherryscola · 05/09/2023 16:06

Ah blimey.

I've just picked him up and have been hit with 'he is displaying signs of autism but don't worry as there is lots of help for it out there'

Apparently as he has been chewing non food items like a sponge ball

It's only been one day. They are being ridiculous.

BeeEyeEnGeeOh · 05/09/2023 19:51

I'd be looking for another setting ASAP. The autism comment is very odd, as others have said, and I wouldn't want to send my child somewhere that doesn't seem to be able to cope with a toddler being a toddler!

MiniEggsAllYear · 05/09/2023 19:53

Gosh it's all quite a lot isn't it. The messaging and the autism comment. I've had one just leave nursery for school and one still there and other than the usual updates and pictures on the app, they have never messaged other than to ring if they wanted to take them out to the park, or if they'd hurt themselves or were sick and needed picking up. After leaving them both for the first time, I would be the one to ring a few hours in to see how they were getting on. We filled in forms with things they'd need to know before they started- that had things on it about how they liked to nap, what their favourite toys and songs are, things like that.
As for the autism comment- it's quite shocking they've mentioned this after one day of having him! They don't know him yet!

BeeEyeEnGeeOh · 05/09/2023 19:55

Honestly, there are so many great nurseries out there that will make this as easy an adjustment as possible for you both, rather than just creating stress!

Theluggagerules · 05/09/2023 19:55

I'd also be looking for another nursery. They don't sound very competent and are certainly not qualified to diagnose autism. Or even assess it after 1 session

Dramatic · 05/09/2023 20:00

Unless he's showing very severe signs of autism that is a strange comment for them to make after one day.

How is his speech/understanding?

Clefable · 05/09/2023 20:01

They sound very unconfident if they are sending you message upon message, unless DC's behaviour was very extreme. Settling a new child is their job.

Also the autism comment after one day is very odd. They might informally suspect it, sometimes I think you can recognise or notice things quite quickly when you are very well versed in child behaviour, but voicing it after one day is very irresponsible of them.

sleighbells00 · 05/09/2023 20:02

cherryscola · 05/09/2023 16:06

Ah blimey.

I've just picked him up and have been hit with 'he is displaying signs of autism but don't worry as there is lots of help for it out there'

Apparently as he has been chewing non food items like a sponge ball

I have many years experience working in nurseries and I am shocked that they would just come out and say that he is showing signs of autism after his first day! There is absolutely no way they would no him well enough to make such an outrageous assumption. Even if they continued to have concerns this would not be the way to communicate them. Plus, a nursery worker should not try to diagnose a child, they are not qualified to. If I have concerns about a child's development, I would invite the parents in for a chat and then advise that relevant referrals are made. I am shocked by this.

GeorgiePorge · 05/09/2023 20:23

I think it is perfectly normal for your son to take a while to settle into a nursery environment... and when children are u settled or nervous they can exhibit different behaviors. My toddler has been in nursery since before a year old and always loved it. he went into the toddler room this term and wouldn't leave my side this morning ... wouldn't look at people or talk and refused his snack... all very unlike him...anyone who didn't know hi. better might have been concerned by his behaviour... one day in getting to know your son in a strange and new environment is absolutely not enough time to make an assessment at that agw even if they were trained to do so.

Original poster
cherryscola · 05/09/2023 20:40

Thank you for your reassuring comments.

When I pressed further on the autism comment she mentioned a condition called PICA? And that it is most common in children with autism but not to worry as there is plenty of help out there nowadays. I have to admit I was very thrown - especially with him being an ex 27 weeker so I am extra vigilant on anything out of the ordinary. He chews anything with an 'interesting' temperament.

His speech is just babbling still, but my daughter was a fairly late talker - it took ages before I could easily recognize clear words.

I do wonder if the fact they are aware he was so early is making them more on the look out for signs of anything than they would normally.

Yes, I have to say I have not been very reassured today and I am already a bit worried about when he goes tomorrow. Feel bad saying that as they do all seem lovely but yeah - not the best first day

OP posts:
Rose1623 · 02/10/2023 21:58

Hi,

Bit confused and stressed mum of 8 and half months boy. He is due to start is nursery from tomorrow. We had our setting in classes from last week and don't think he likes it there. He cries when he sees new people. I am really worried not sure how long it will take him to settle in.. I leave him at nursery for 1 hour with heavy heart. Can anyone please share their experiences? How long it took for the little one to settle in completely?

Thankyou