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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is a major sign

16 replies

ringmybe11 · 05/09/2023 06:55

First day back at work today after 14 months maternity leave. I'm in a senior role, spent years building my career, and deliberated for ages whether to give up my job and take a longer break while DS is little (as we're only having him) and look for a part time role when he's a bit older but still pre school age. Having asked for 3 days I eventually agreed to go back 4 days a week to my old job with minimal changes (that's another story for another day.

Yesterday DS appeared to perhaps have come down with something - lot of sickness at breakfast time but after a quiet day and bland foods he'd been fine the rest of the day so we hoped for the best. It's been a rough night, the 3 of us have hardly slept (not an exaggeration) and he's clearly not well. Now DH has to try and wfh as best he can as I'm expected at the office, and look after him (in an even more senior role than me) - all childcare potentially for the week is off and I feel like the worst mum in the world for not being able to be there for my little boy. I feel like the world is telling me I shouldn't be going back to work!

OP posts:

Simonjt · 05/09/2023 06:58

Why didn’t your husband sleep with him so you could sleep, and then take the day off work to look after him?

PinkRoses1245 · 05/09/2023 07:00

Of course you’re not a bad parent. Does your DH think he’s a bad parent for working? Kids are always going to get ill; you need a plan for when it happens. And it should be shared responsibility when DS is ill. With it being your first day back, you should have slept and DH should have stayed up with him.

nevynevster · 05/09/2023 07:02

Agree with PP, given it was your first day back DH should have stepped in to let you sleep. He can also take a day's leave today rather than try to wfh.
I'm afraid this is the reality of juggling work and kids. Each Sunday I recommend you sit down once baby is in bed and discuss your schedules at work - who is flexible on which days and what major meetings or work events do you have. This way you know which one of you can step in to cover any sickness, emergencies etc.
I suspect first day back will be just admin etc anyway so hopefully coffee will fuel you through

Catsonskis · 05/09/2023 07:03

Sorry lovely, it’s not a sign, it’s just life with a small one in childcare. It’s very notmsl
amd will happen loads. It’s what dependants leave is for.

I also work 4 days and wanted 3. But the balance definitely makes me a better parent. I’m going to change my hours when mine go to school to be able to pick them up a few times a week.

I feel you, it’s so so tough leaving them but he’ll have a ball in childcare and develop so much. Meanwhile you’ll earn money for all your futures!

Hollyhead · 05/09/2023 07:04

Its not a sign, all babies are constantly ill when they start nursery for at least 3 months. Ride it out at least until you decide whether you enjoy parenting toddlers or not - I almost gave up work at your stage but it would have been a terrible mistake as I was rubbish with toddlers and they were much better off in childcare for the week! Now 12 years on my pension/career etc is still intact and my DC are lovely 😁

BeeBelle16 · 05/09/2023 07:08

My first day back at work 8 years ago after having my only dc- they too had picked up a bug from settling in at nursery

I spent the day (well until I went home a few hours in) being sick in the ladies loos as I too then caught the bug!! I think 99% of kids catch a bug when they are around new people/settings

It's tough that first year when you go back tbh they pick up everything

Either leave because you want to and consider your future with that or stick with it and dh needs to crack on with wake ups and sleepless nights now more as your both working but it's not a sign it's just how it goes!

parietal · 05/09/2023 07:30

It's not a sign. It's just what happens when you have a toddler in childcare.

It will get better. Stick to work and power through.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 05/09/2023 07:36

It’s just normal, kids get sick a lot.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2023 07:37

Babies / toddlers are ill very often as they build up their immune system. I’d say perhaps you’re tired, anxious about everything and looking for signs, which aren’t there.

Original poster

ringmybe11 · 05/09/2023 07:53

Thanks everyone for your replies. I did expect him to be ill but it does feel particularly bad luck for it to be my first day back but it is one of those things. To the posters asking why DH didn't get up with him - we've always done it together to be honest as DS is a good sleeper so when he wakes and there's something wrong we both deal with it. Practically one person to comfort DS and the other to change his bed this time made sense and once we were both awake I find it extremely hard to get back to sleep anyway

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 05/09/2023 07:59

This is what it's like at the start when you return. I remember being in floods of tears and nearly quitting my job because DD got so sick in the first 2 months of nursery. She didn't manage a full week for 2 months. I felt like an awful parent and like I was failing her. And then suddenly she was fine. After that first winter she was hardly ever sick and she loved nursery and I'm so glad I didn't give up my career because it was tough at the start.
It is so difficult, but dig in. You'll get through it and be glad that you did.

mn29 · 05/09/2023 08:12

Unfortunately this is normal and frequent where both parents work, little ones get ill and can’t go to nursery constantly. Me and H used to work it out by deeming that the one who had the looming deadline/super important meeting etc should be the one to go in to the office. It’s completely normal to feel like you shouldn’t be leaving your child when you first go back to work, it’s the maternal bond and the fact you’ve been with them pretty much constantly up to this point in their life. I’m sure after a while you’ll be glad of the balance between being mum when you’re home/being someone other than mum in the office - you can always revisit the topic of not working to stay at home with your child if you’re still feeling like this in future.

cheddercherry · 05/09/2023 11:57

I agree with posters that it is just the norm with childcare and some kids pick up more bugs than others.

I also think if you’re asking if it’s a sign then you’re wanting to read it as a sign. Aka, you already know what you want.

If you’re able to take the financial hit and stay home longer with your child I don’t think you should be shamed for wanting to do that. As you say, you won’t get the time again.

If you know that this isn’t possible for your family then I sympathise, it’s just a reality that the early nursery drops offs and then wanting to be with you/ sickness and juggling work are hard work, especially if you’d rather just be with them but looking for signs is probably just going to spark more guilt.

Bellsbeachwaves · 05/09/2023 12:00

Normal. Massive juggle. Just do what you can to get thru it

AbsoFuckingLutelyThis · 05/09/2023 12:04

Don't give up your career, it's not a sign and there are 2 parents. Has your husband cut his hours/considered leaving his job? Doubt it. Don't let mum guilt get to you- your little one will be fine and will go to school, well socialised, happy, well adjusted and you'll be doing well in your career with savings and pension behind you whilst having quality time with your child in between times. When my daughter started school all the upset ones were those who'd never been to nursery clinging to their mums (always mums!) Legs looking as lost and confused as their parent. You can do this, illness is normal, you got this.

Zhougzhoug · 05/09/2023 12:14

Yeah sadly this is not unusual - not surprised it happened on your first day back because you'll probably have a day like this about once a fortnight! The 1-3 age is tricky for childcare but there are things you can do - it's not all or nothing.

At first, we had agency babysitters play with DS in the sitting room while we worked upstairs, knowing they could come and interrupt us if they really needed to. After a while we put an ad on a childcare forum for someone to look after DS when we worked (mostly from home) and we met two fantastic women based locally who worked for us on an ad-hoc basis. I suppose you'd call it a part time nanny or a nanny share but I'd always thought nannies were out of our price range! Anyway they charged about 12/hour and we booked their shifts a week at a time - usually 1-3 days a week, sometimes just half days. After we built up trust I was happy for them to take him out to the park and on days out.

You could see if any friends want to nanny-share or if any local childminders, nannies or nursery workers want extra shifts.

Once you get to know people, there will be a few people you can text to say your DC is ill but you need to work, can they help?

It really got us through the period before he started pre-school at 3.

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