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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you contact the wife?

13 replies

Wouldyouxxxxx · 04/09/2023 23:15

I'm gonna keep this short. I'm aware some people will reply saying stay out of it, others will say contact her. I just want people's opinions and not a bashing please as I know if I was the wife I would want to be contacted.

I've matched with a man yesterday on Facebook dating. Got on well. Planned to meet tomorrow.

He has told me he split with wife in January. FWB afterwards for a couple months and a couple dates in August but not for him. He said he's got his own house but uses his ex wife's car.

This evening after he had got home from the day out with his kids, and presumably dropped them off at their Mums, we were messaging. And it got flirty. Then all of a sudden he had to go to bed, a few typing errors like he had typed quickly, no typing errors before. He said he's going to sleep and see you tomorrow at arranged time. I replied saying see you then but only one tick. I can still see his picture so he hasn't blocked me.

I found him on Facebook as that plus a few other things felt strange. Cut a long story short I found him and also found his ex wife. Says he's single on Facebook but everything else assumes they're still together, ie commenting hearts on photos etc. From what I gather they are still together.

If you were in this situation would you contact the wife and let her know that her husband is on dating sites meeting up with other women? I'm not going to meet him tomorrow. I don't know what my excuse is going to be or whether I will just be honest and say I know you're still married.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wouldyouxxxxx · 04/09/2023 23:16

Forgot to add I suggested a phone call but he changed the conversation.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 04/09/2023 23:17

No, I don’t. I’d cease contact immediately and extricate myself from somebody else’s circus.

Circumferences · 04/09/2023 23:19

No I wouldn't contact the wife, but I would message him one last time to say I'm not interested in married men.

junbean · 04/09/2023 23:20

I would like to know if it were me. Usually things like this will blow up in your face though, other women might not be appreciative. It just depends if it will weigh on you or not. Personally I wouldn’t bother because 50% or more of men on apps are cheating. I’d be busier contacting women than dating. Always google before dating! Most of them are lying about something major!

Fallingthroughclouds · 04/09/2023 23:23

No just stay well out of it, if it was to develop into an affair she might wish you'd never told her and she could carry on regardless.
As an aside, I'm still friends with my ex on SM and sometimes share photos of us together, (albeit his girlfriend is there too) we like each other photos etc. I know a couple of other people with kids who do this too, so he might not be married.

coffy11 · 04/09/2023 23:27

Its weird that his facebook status is single, surely his wife would see that?

GarlicGrace · 04/09/2023 23:30

Somebody messaged me when I was separated, saying she just wanted to make sure. I thought that was sensible, and told her so.

I didn't tell her were still shagging occasionally.

SlippySarah · 04/09/2023 23:33

I'd just walk away and be glad I didn't get any more involved.

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 23:38

His FB status is single, and the wife is FB friends with him. OK. So, it sounds like he’s single and they still have a good relationship. What if you tell her, they are broken up and still friends (which looks to be the situation), she tells him you tried to blow up his spot, and he comes after you and harasses you because you’ve flipped some anger switch?

You don’t know these people, stay out of it.

TennisWithDeborah · 04/09/2023 23:45

Tbh it sounds to me as if they’ve separated but remained on good terms.

hev126 · 04/09/2023 23:47

Ok so you may be correct,

Or maybe they are friends (presumably are if he drives her car etc)....things got flirty....he was getting turned on.....multitasking wanking/flirting.....explains the typos....turned phone off to concentrate on whatever had distracted him

WhateverMate · 04/09/2023 23:51

No I'd leave them to whatever complicated relationship they may/may not have, and then slap myself for wanting to get involved with anyone who's literally just split up with their spouse this year.

You don't need to be a part of anyone's rebound OP.

Palindrone · 05/09/2023 00:01

I'd leave it be - you've never met this man and don't intend to.

You've made an assumption that is enough to put you off him but you don't know for sure whether he's single or not - he could be lying but equally, they could be a separated couple on good terms.

Two of my friends were together for over 20 years. By the time they finally separated the romantic spark had long since died. However, the friendship remained and they were co-parenting a child so they still interacted with each other positively on social media, hearts on photos, family gatherings with their DD, etc.

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