Was I wrong to tell him the truth?

[teaforme33]

Very long story but the short version is this. My mum is a functioning alcoholic and has been for many years. She's gotten worse over the past few years.

Tonight I had a friend over and my mum came over, clearly drunk. She tried having a conversation with my friend. Not offensive or inappropriate or anything like that but clearly slurring her words, wobbling about and just talking absolute rubbish and acting bizarrely. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and could tell my friend did too, she left soon after.

This happens a lot. I've had many people contact me over the years saying they've seen her in the street and 'is she ok, I was just a bit concerned'. Basically because she wanders about pissed talking shit to people.

But back to tonight. After friend left I basically lost my shit and told my mum I was sick of it. I feel very anxious and on edge in these situations as I don't want to cause a scene but I'm acutely aware of how awkward she's making other people feel and how obvious it is that she's drunk. My 11 year old overheard some of this and accused me of being mean to grandma. He's said this before when I've been short with her or left her house because she's drunk. Always 'why are you so nasty to grandma' as if I'm the bad one in the situation.

Tonight I just thought fuck it and explained to him that grandma was drunk and she's often drunk these days and I find it hard to deal with. I told him I saw it a lot growing up and I don't like it and he'll understand more when he's older. I can see now that this wasn't the greatest idea but I'm so frustrated and being painted as the bad one for trying to have boundaries around mums drinking. I can tell she loves it when she sees ds sticking up her for and causing a rift between us which also really upsets me.

At 11 ds is not a baby but still too young to understand alcoholism. He doesn't realise she's drunk in the same way I do as I guess it's quite subtle to a child. I can tell he was a bit confused over what I'd said and I feel really bad for putting that on him now. But similarly why should I cover it up? Why should I be made out to be cruel?

He’ll be ok. I think it’s worse for him to think his mother is cruel to her own mother. That can be damaging and confusing. Just follow up with him, have a second talk, and answer his questions. You sound like a great mom. I’m very sorry about your mom’s alcoholism, that sounds absolutely terrible to deal with. Please just keep in mind though that trying to talk to your mom while she’s drunk is useless. Good luck.

He's 11; he doesn't understand. I think you need to shield him as much as you can until he's a bit older.

My sibling fell out with me years ago, something to do with our parents' estate, and they were utterly unreasonable. I spoke my mind, they tore me a new one, and ordered me of of their house.

DC1 was furious and blamed me. Had a photo of said sibling on their bedside table - probably around the same age as your DS or younger.

Fast forward in the teens of years, and DC now sees exactly what my sibling is like, as the poor treatment has continued over the years, and has been extremely cruel towards another (vulnerable) sibling. DC now embarrassed about the photo from years back!

You can't put an old head on young shoulders. Understanding will come in the end x

You did the right thing.

I would love to shield him. I would love to not be in this position at all. But I'm finding it increasingly difficult to mask my own feelings and frustrations, especially when it's interfering in my life and making me anxious in social situations. I have tried to talk to my mum about it. I can see now she will never seek help and is unlikely to change. She goes through phases where she maybe won't drink as much but then there are other times when it's daily and at times like that I just can't hide my emotions. I don't want my son thinking I'm a horrible person.

You did the right thing! My nearly 11yo would certainly understand this, I'm not sure why a previous poster thinks not. You're being really strong and well done for being open about it.

You imply the 'losing your shit' and 'putting in boundaries ' are the same thing.

I think you need to think about what boundaries will shield both you and your son. So for example, she isn't allow to your house after in the evenings if that's when she is worse. But I think it is OK for your son to know why those boundaries are in place and it isn't you being mean, and if she comes to the house in the evening she won't be allowed in.

Best of luck it must be hard.

11 is old enough for the explanation you gave.

11 is plenty old enough for him to be given some context: he's secondary school age. He has picked up on the negative interactions and raised the problem with you. He deserves an honest response in return, and you've given it to him: you've dealt with a difficult situation well.

Having seen the messy trajectory of two close friends with raging alcohol addiction (one of whom died, the other of which managed to get to AA etc), I would absolutely say that it's best that your DS has some inkling as to what's going on at this point. Things have then potential to get really messy, and expending your energy on trying to cover it up won't do anyone any favours.

One suggestion: https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ ?

If he's witnessed her behaviour, I don't know what else you could do. Telling him the truth is better than him thinking you're being unkind to her.

I had an alcoholic grandparent. The adults colluded to cover it up, going to ridiculous lengths and denying the bloody obvious and we had to sit there wondering what the hell was going on. By 11 we understood (on an 11 year old level). Now as an adult I feel critical of my parents that they didn't keep the grandparent away from us while actually steaming drunk. But I can see there was and still is all kinds of denial and feelings of duty.

OP I think you've done your son a big favour by telling the truth but it might be a lot for him to take in if he has got, or when he does have, the insight to know what it means.
I am now in the position of protecting my DC from alcoholic relations, easier than my parents had it because it's not the DC's grandparent but still difficult and I can appreciate some of what my parents felt - though I'm taking a firmer stance which mainly involves not seeing them after wine time and we all avoid alcohol at family functions. Which might not be 'right' and probably ironic that we do serve alcohol other times if we know the alcoholics are definitely not coming. Or we serve it after they have left as they invariably leave early to go home to drink as no booze available to them here.

It's such a cliché but it's true you can't change other people, only how you react to them.

FWIW I think you did the right thing. At 11 my daughter would have understood. I've previously had to explain mental health issues to my daughter and she took it rather well.

I'm sorry OP, what a difficult position to be in. I just googled using 'helping children understand alcoholism' - there seem to be a number of useful looking resources on there. Maybe worth a look for guidance and then as PP suggested have a follow up conversation with your DS, answer any questions, make sure he knows you love your Mium. Good luck, can't be easy x

11 isn't too young to understand alcoholism. He's already being impacted by your mother when she enjoys seeing him stick up for her.

You need to protect him, protect you and especially protect your relationship with him by being open and honest with him - and by putting in some boundaries with your mother.

If she's drunk then she shouldn't get to cross your door with your child around.

I think they start from 13, but also consider finding out where your nearest Al ateen group is for him - I opened up a lot more about my family to my peers than I did to my family.

I think it has got to the point where you can't shield him any longer and it sounds like you did it sensitively. At some point another child is going to say they have seen her if she is like this in public. I think you need to keep the conversation open with now so he knows its not taboo to ask you anything. But also important to ensure he doesn't witness your emotions spill out too much.

Thank for your the replies, I feel slightly better about it now. It becomes complicated in my mind because she isn't a terrible drunk, she doesn't go around picking fights or being abusive (although she can be a bit argumentative towards me). It's just the slurring and the odd behaviour and comments. So I guess in the past I've thought 'well it's not that bad'. But over the past few years I've been in one too many situations where I've felt on edge and anxious about how she's behaving in front of other people. She has this habit of bringing up things that have happened in the past and getting all nostalgic and tearful which also makes people feel very awkward. It's hard to explain, I'm just sick of it.

I know addiction isn't always a conscious choice. But in my mind she knows how I feel about the drinking, she knows she has made a fool of herself and yet she still chooses to put the wine in the shopping trolley. It's very frustrating and upsetting.

I grew up in the kind of family where we didn’t talk about things and would have pretended such a situation wasn’t happening, and this is how I ended up married to an alcoholic. Addiction pills in everyone around the person; I didn’t realise at the time that me “managing” the situation, not talking about it etc was a form of codependency. My DCs know their dad has a drinking problem, it was important to me that this cycle didn’t continue. For an 11 year old, you gave a completely appropriate explanation. You are in a horrible
position because who wants to have these conversations?! But you didn’t cause the situation, your mum did. You can’t control it, by “managing” it and pretending.

You totally did the right thing OP. I have an 11 year old and I'd have done exactly the same.

Total understanding from Me. They don't have to be falling over, violent or abusive to be a nightmare to be around. It's miserable being around someone who's constantly drunk like that. The slurring words, the nonsensicle jumbled conversations, the forgetfulness, the randomness.....the anxiety you feel incase they have a fall and smash themselves up. It's a never ending exhaustion of being on edge around them. I completely get how you'd be at the end of your tether with her.

You did the right thing, and now you have to back it up by keeping your mother away from your home and child when she's drunk. You cannot allow drunkenness to be normalised by your son. It's time for tough love with your mother. You will no longer deal with her when she's been drinking, end of.