To eat my dinner in my study?

[Burnoutqueen]

for context, the evening routine typically involves DH arriving with recently collected DS. DS is ND and has been trying to cope with school/ childcare till this time and therefore on arrival is in burnout and can’t even be spoken to,
’Hi DS how was today? Was it nice to see your friends?’
’shut up silly cunt, don’t talk to me’.
extreme but actual conversation this evening. Often he’ll simply ignore me completely.
DH and I exchange greetings and then he pops to the kitchen to grab a beer and sits and watches crap loudly on his phone to decompress.
DS by now has taken over the only reception room with some awful repetitive shit he likes on YouTube which is basically the ground floor claimed. So when my long awaited meal pings for my attention in the air fryer I plate it up, with my condiments and salad and fuck off upstairs to my little study to watch something on my computer and eat it in peace.
note: DS is on a very restricted diet and doesn’t eat anything remotely appetising or ‘proper meal like’ and will eat some bread and butter at most after being fed at carers on the days he’s there.
DH and I are from different planets with food so we never eat together anyway.
so either way I eat alone. After my meal I then take over the fucking pantomime of trying to get DS ready for bed and settle him- this may go on till way past midnight so I definitely need some energy first.
With my first kids I always did the normal ‘round the table’ mealtimes and they do the same as adults for my grandkids so I can cook family dishes and I’m not lazy but there is no need for it now. Plus I work all day too and have a chronic illness and also don’t want a fight with DS over having Minecraft at 80000 decibels either.
I do however, deeply miss evenings in which those I love actually communicate and eat together but under the circumstances should I feel guilty? Would you do the same?
I sort of feel a bit odd sat here like a stroppy teenager eating in their bedroom.

What is ND? Why can’t people just use words on this site instead of all these stupid initialisms.

ND is neuro diverse.

Neurodiverse, a pretty common abbreviation.

In your shoes OP I’d do the same - in fact I sometimes do when my two ND kids are in need of decompression. The only difference is my study is on the ground floor, we sometimes (more often in your case) just need some space before it all starts over again.

OP, please don't feel guilty. ENJOY your peaceful short break with your dinner. You deserve it.

My child is neurodiverse and can't cope with conversation at mealtimes. When DH and I (also neurodiverse but with a higher need for human contact in the evening as we WFH solitary) want to eat together - we often eat different things but like eachother's company - then DC will read quietly while we eat because we do ask for a quiet downstairs while we eat as this is one of DH's sensory needs. Sometimes DH will eat upstairs in the study and DC and I will watch some dreadful TV while we eat - I keep a dedicated Netflix profile for "the intercept between things both I and DC will tolerate".

ND families do things in the way that works for them. It's OK. Don't feel guilty. You need what you need. When your DS isn't at school any more as an adult and hopefully finds a way to be content in a daily routine that doesn't involve the sensory overload that is intrinsic to school, he may find he can cope with a bit more interaction with the family?

@Jellycatspyjamas thanks. I was sure I wasn’t alone. It’s like a witching hour sometimes isn’t it? When they’ve been behaving all day and they’re finally ‘off stage’. There’s no point even trying to engage and we’re far more likely to get a peaceful night if he’s just left to his devices for a bit. I even welcome the colourful language of late because it replaces holes in walls and torn up cushions. He can call me what he likes , he hasn’t wrecked my house in ages 😂
I gave up having any sort of normal life for a while but I’ve been known to wash my hair and paint my nails at 1am recently when he’s finally asleep as a sort of act of defiance against the madness. At least we have studies/ a sanctuary. People deal with kids like ours in single room dwellings around the world. Imagine that.

@JaukiVexnoydi you’re exactly right. We went away recently and made a point of eating together at the beach/ harbour, obviously that meant chips /pizza every night but he was an absolute sweetheart most of the time on holiday because it was all sensory stuff he likes, swimming etc all day ( kids with his DX are usually obsessed with water) and him watching the boats on the horizon and chatting about them. Totally different kiddo. Didn’t want to come home to be honest.
you sound really intuitive and a bit further on in the journey than me so I’ll take your advice on board re tv etc too. Thanks.

kids with his DX are usually obsessed with water

What dx would a child have that means they're obsessed with water?

@Thelonelygiraffe he has angelman. It’s well documented.

Thanks, @Burnoutqueen . I had no idea.

I hope your evening was relatively peaceful and ds is in bed!

I'm glad you can put up with that. I would runaway.

@Jellycatspyjamas thanks. I was sure I wasn’t alone. It’s like a witching hour sometimes isn’t it? When they’ve been behaving all day and they’re finally ‘off stage’.

Absolutely, my kids will tolerate a family dinner or lunch a few times a week, trying to force otherwise it results in hurricane level meltdowns - which is unpleasant for everyone. Do what works for you and him.

Well I’m not speaking for a whole group, but my son who has ASD with severe delays is water/liquid obsessed and it’s pretty typical. Many people with ASD are ‘sensory seeking’, both my sons Watch repetitive videos at high volumes as well (I know the op said her son has Angelmans syndrome, I’m afraid I don’t know if autism is often part of that diagnosis). Ironically they hate loud noises not under their control, such as sirens and such. Deliberately pressing the fire alarm seems to be a-ok though….

@Gerrataere yes this is true most kids with sensory issues do have a thing for water. Angelman also looks just like autism and sits on a spectrum from mild to severe. The only marked difference being is that there is a known genetic cause (funky chromosome 15 - close cousin of Prader willi) and there are endocrine issues. My sons form is mild and therefore wasn’t picked up until I pushed for testing because I thought he was ‘prader willi shaped’ and had these symptoms. I was almost right. Angelman kids are generally more hypersocial and happy and silly than we expect ASD kids to be, they usually have epilepsy too but my son has never had a proper seizure, just absences. In my sons case his learning delay is relatively mild and puts him at only a couple of years behind his peers atm. His speech is good and he’s a stubborn/ stroppy and cantankerous blighter at times which is a direct result of him being at the clever end of Angelman spectrum. He’s always loved water though, can swim like a fish and will stand in the surf literally all day if allowed. You’re dead right about noise too, freaks out if a door slams but happy to make enough noise to wake the dead. Such fun.

That sounds really tough @Burnoutqueen Fo you and your DH get any respite care for your DS so you can eat together or go out?

Or could you all eat your different foods at the same time at the same table? Might be more calming for a ND child than Minecraft!